What's Love Got To Do With It?

I am up late again with a lot on my mind. Even  more on my heart. I can't tell you how much I covet your prayers right now. I promise I'm not keeping any major, life changing secrets. Just dealing with some growing pains. Growing up emotionally and spiritually is exhausting. And it hurts.

Many moons ago, as a teen, I did Henry Blackaby's "Experiencing God" Bible study. I learned a term (at least the words) during that study. Crisis of belief. I've learned through experience what it really means. I'm so glad that I learned that a crisis of belief is a natural and necessary part of spiritual growth. Some churches teach that you should never question your faith, never consider that any part of your belief system should be examined or shifted. I personally believe that your faith cannot be YOUR faith if you haven't struggled with it, if you haven't really gone deep to know what you really believe. The Bible tells us to "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12).

Lately, I have felt so challenged. Challenged to love in a way that I thought I already was, but realized I was not. I have talked about our "neighborhood kids" and my friends tease me about them and older, wiser mentors encourage me to set healthy boundaries. I'm trying. The truth is, I want desperately to share the love of Jesus with these kids, but if I can be completely honest at a quarter til 1 on this Tuesday morning, it's hard! Sometimes, I don't like these kids. They are dirty and need haircuts and their clothes don't fit (when they wear them). They eat my food, teach my kids bad words, and ring my doorbell at ungodly hours of the morning. They don't have manners and they say "huh?", a pet peeve of mine that is equaled only by nosy people who demand to know more than they should. Like neighborhood kids who think they deserve a detailed explanation of why they can't play or where we are going.

I start feeling resentful or frustrated and God will ask me questions like, "What if one of these boys is your future son-in-law and your family shows him what a family is supposed to look like?"  Or I take a kid with no shoes to church and even though he can't find the numbers in the hymnal, (when he is certainly old enough to) and God asks me "What if I want him to stand in that pulpit one day?"

It overwhelms my puny, self-absorbed little heart. "But Lord, I don't have any time to myself!" "Jesus, these family situations are hopeless!" "Father, can't I just give some money to a good cause or pray for somebody to mentor these kids?"  But, I know the answer.

I've sat in church for so many years of my life and have listened to more sermons than I could recall if my life depended on it. I was told I was a sinner. I was warned about hell. I was blessed to hear the hope of Jesus. But do you know what impacted my life? Being loved. Having people live out in front of me what Jesus looks like. Please don't get me wrong. It's great to give money to good causes. Sometimes we are called to pray for the right people to be placed in a person's life. But many times, WE are the right person that God is waiting to use. And that job is ALWAYS bigger than us. God doesn't bring those kids here because Emily Fidler has anything to offer. In fact, Emily Fidler often acts like a 2 year old experiencing a psychotic break. At least when I count on my love to do the job. But the amazing work of the Holy Spirit, that is where the love comes from. Do you know what some of Jesus' final words to His disciples were? "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:35) He didn't say if we screamed at people, scared them, judged them, condemned them, acted better than them or even fed them. We will be known by our love. A love that is beyond what the natural heart and mind can comprehend. A love that is supernatural. A love like Jesus' that loved people right where they were, and also loved them enough not to leave them there.

Father, Your love is so different than mine. I love the people and things that are easy to love. I love when it is reciprocated and I feel rewarded. I love when it is convenient. Please, make Your love more real in me. Fill me with Your love that is unconditional, that sees people exactly for who they are, but also perfectly sees who they can be. Give me strength and energy to love those who fight it, wisdom for those who think they don't need it and an overabundance for those who seem to need too much of it. Replace my selfishness and human frailty with your unending grace and mercy until it overflows to those around me.