The Worst You

I haven't been myself lately. At least not the self that I am okay being. You see, there is a me that not too many people actually know. Most people know about this me because I have shared stories, but very few people have actually witnessed it.

My first summer after college I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It's a really long story and it was a really long depression. Six years to be exact. I started out sleeping more, isolating myself socially. Then, I started gaining weight. Then I started having angry outbursts. Then, I started having thoughts that scared the mess out of me. I don't really want to talk about it. But, that is why I'm talking about it.

Just a couple of weeks ago I thought about how that time in my life seems like a dream (or nightmare) and how it didn't feel like it had even happened to me. God healed my depression after a six year battle and that was six years ago. I actually felt led to write my story and I did last spring. The whole thing. I shared it with my family which may have been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Even though they all knew about the depression there were lots of things I had never told anyone. Well, for a while I thought that maybe I should try to have it published or let other people read it. Then, that feeling just went away. Which is good because my computer with my story died. So, I decided that I didn't want to tell that story anymore. I wanted to go on with life and act like it had never happened.

No sooner had I decided that depression was no longer my story to tell, it happened. It came back. Please don't panic. I promise I am okay. The fact that I am writing this tells you I'm in a much better place than even just a few days ago. But, I became unbelievably moody, started withdrawing, started having irrational thoughts. I started asking God why. Not a thing had happened in life to trigger it. I've even been having good hair days y'all. :) The more I questioned the more I realized how ready I had been just days ago to forget that part of my life. To pretend that it never happened just because the memory was not so clear. And it was as if God said, "Lest you forget..." I realized that I needed to be reminded of just how far God has brought me. As much as I would like to pretend that depression has never played a role in my life, it has. In a big way.

I'm not gonna lie. I would rather not be telling you about this. I know it will make people who love me worry. I know this is not cute, funny, or fun to read. But there was a time when I felt such a calling to reach out to others who were also experiencing depression. I have said so many times that it is something that you just cannot understand unless you have experienced it. I let myself forget what that was like. I wanted to run as far away from the memories as possible. I could have totally picked up with a cute story about my kids or tell you funny things that happened at church. But this blog is called "Speaking the Truth in Love and Laughter" and so even when there hasn't been much laughter I feel like I owe you the truth. I feel like it would be very misleading to pretend that everything in my life has been peachy when it hasn't.

I do want to tell you a story that came to be from my first bout of depression. It was actually almost two years before I was officially diagnosed, but I was at a point that I was feeling much the same way I have felt this past week. Not like me. I was 18 and had lost my six year old cousin to a very tragic accident. That was the same summer that Josh had started asking me out. I say started because I did turn him down twice before I said yes. He always makes me sound so mean when he tells the story, but I was totally trying to give him an out. I knew I had issues and I was trying to spare him. I'll never forget the day we officially started "going out". It was my 18th birthday and Josh had taken me to the beach. I knew he was going to ask me out because we had planned it a month earlier. (Don't ask, it was all part of my issues. :) Anyway, we walked up and down the beach and talked for what felt like forever. And forever and ever Amen. And he still did not ask me out!

Finally, when we were in the car headed back to my house he asked. Even though I had been waiting for the question I still felt that I should try and talk him out of his fateful decision to pursue someone as messed up as me. You see, I had always been an extremely happy, outgoing, easygoing person. That was Emily. That was the Emily people liked. That was the Emily I wanted to be. When my cousin died it was really my first experience with grief. I didn't like that I wasn't always happy and that I didn't always feel up to entertaining the masses. I assumed no one else would like that Emily either. I explained to Josh how I felt like he was getting the worst me. And do you know what he said? He said, "Well I know if I can love the worst you that I can love the best you." Have I told you this story? Probably, because it is the best story of my life.

I say it is the best story of my life because not only did I get that moment in a camaro with my high school sweetheart on my 18th birthday, but because God spoke those same words to my heart. Unfortunately, Josh would end up going through much worse times with me and seeing versions of Emily I would prefer to not have had to experience myself. But the boy who spoke those beautiful words to me made God's Word come to life for me.

Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."

I don't know if you have someone in your life who has proven that they love the worst you. I pray that you do. I have learned that it is a rare and precious thing to have those people in your life. The ones who hear you say ugly things and don't bring them back up as blackmail. The ones who can handle what you really think. The ones who are okay to let you cry and understand that life is messy and isn't always a party.

I just want to encourage you that even if you think you are at your worst right now, there is Someone who loves you right there. It still blows my mind. It is still hard for me to accept. I still want desperately to become good enough to earn that love. But I can't. I don't have to. He loves the worst you and can't wait to love the best you.