Friday, April 20, 2012

Know Your Role

I didn't get the job. Just thought I would go ahead and put that out there. I am so thankful and grateful for all of you who prayed for me and checked on me this week. I felt really good about my interview so at least I got some practice in that area. They asked some really tough questions. One was how I would change the racial division in our town. Geez, glad we could start with something easy. :) I gave them the best answer I could and then joked that after that I would tackle world peace. Tonight, I'm just working on inner peace.

I didn't expect to have such mixed emotions. I really had my heart set on this job and while I never felt completely confident I would get it, I also hadn't even allowed myself to think beyond it. So, I expected to just be devastated. I was a little bit. Thankfully I was on a field trip with Kate when I got the news so I had to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. But then, something else happened. I almost felt relieved. I won't lie, after being given a very detailed 3 page job description I had come away from the interview feeling a little overwhelmed. It wasn't just going to be a job. It was going to be WORK. And of course that was a reminder that, HELLO, I'm going back to work!

I've tried really hard to keep my emotions in check with this whole process. Giving up a job I love. Getting ready to send my baby to kindergarten. Trying to start a career. And that's the thing, I really am starting a career. I only worked for 2 years after I graduated. I think it has just fully hit me how much time I've devoted to being a Mom. And I don't regret it. I wouldn't trade a minute that I've had with my kids or the other opportunities I've enjoyed because I wasn't working full-time. I've just felt....behind. I don't doubt that the job I applied for went to someone with more experience. And that's the hard thing, experience takes time. My time has been invested in gaining experience in Toddler Tantrums, Expert Stain Removal, How to Put Tights on a 3 year old, Waste Management, Hospitality, Pest Control, Food Services, and Transportation. Hey, I've got some things to add to my resume. :)

What I'm dealing with tonight is that the journey of my life has had me all over the place. I mean really, how exactly do you go from hospice social worker to dance and theater teacher? I'm pretty sure my resume makes  people scratch their heads and they will probably just want to interview me to see if I am for real. 

Our spring theater production is "Mother Goosed" by Jason Pizzarello. It's the story of a rogue news anchor who gets tired of the fairy tales always being the same. He goes out into the field to wreak havoc and change things up. My favorite part is when he convinces Humpty Dumpty not to jump off the wall. It causes some problems for all the king's men though.

BILL: Tensions are increasing between the King's Men and Humpty Dumpty, as Dumpty defiantly sits upon the wall and the Men continue taunting him.

HUMPTY: No, I'm  not doing it. I refuse. Consider this a sit-in.

SOLDIER #3: Well, that's great.

SOLDIER #2: What are we going to do, boss?

SOLDIER #1: Do we still get paid?

BOSS: We don't have a job to do, no one gets paid.

SOLDIER #1: Hey Egg, I've got mouths to feed!

SOLDIER #2: We'll figure out a way to put you back together again, we swear.

HUMPTY: Yeah right!

ALL SOLDIERS: Jump! Jump! Jump!

HUMPTY: Jump? Jump? You mean plummet to my untimely death, is that what you mean? Crack my head open and let my insides spill out?

SOLDIER #1: Well, yeah.

BOSS: Know your role!

SOLDIER #2:  Yeah, know your role, egg!

SOLDIER #3: "Humpty Dumpty had a great fall." That's who you are. If you don't fall, who are you? What's your place in the world?

HUMPTY:  I don't know, okay? I don't know who I am or where I belong. That's the whole problem; I'm having an identity crisis up here. Who are you to judge anyway? You're one of the King's men. You probably don't even have a name.

Photo Courtesy of Google Images
It probably tells you something about my mental status that I am currently relating most to a fictional character in a play. An egg, to be exact. But that's where I've been. Trying to figure out my place in this world. To know my role. I just can't figure out how old I will be before I decide what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I did come across a quote today that reminded me that no matter how many jobs I have in life, my ultimate purpose is to glorify the God who put me in this world. To share His love and message of salvation. My number one role.

“God’s purpose for my life was that I have a passion for God’s glory and that I have a passion for my joy in that glory, and that these two are one passion.” 
― Jonathan Edwards

Sunday, April 15, 2012


It's that time of year again....ball season! This year is a big deal. We no longer have a t-baller. We have a real, pitching machine league baller. Eli could've played t-ball one more year, but Josh would have none of that. :) So, we're in the big leagues now. Well, Eli's in the big leagues. I'm in the bleachers, the girls are on the playground or at the concession stand, and Josh is pacing. 

It gets pretty tense. Gone are the days of 10 kids running for the ball and 15 chances at the tee. They have to like, catch the ball and hit it and stuff. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it feels tedious. We've gone innings with no hits. And more innings with no balls to catch or throw. We're at that in between stage where it's not as cute as t-ball and not as exciting as the big boys. It's the beginning of learning the basics and it swings between awkward and slow moving to really exciting. Friday night got exciting. I was working on my second cup of boiled peanuts when Eli got up to bat. I get so nervous, y'all. He struggled the first few games with figuring out his timing with the pitching machine(that's what Josh said) and I've just wanted so bad for him to show his coaches and the big kids on his team what he's got. Well, his Dandy bought him a new bat as an early birthday present and it seems to be working some magic. He hit a double!!!! 

The crowd went wild!!!!! Okay, well his Mama did. It was the first hit of the whole game in the top of the 4th! That was exciting in itself, but after that our guys started hitting the ball like crazy! We got 5 runs that inning! I was so proud of Eli, but I realized it just multiplied the excitement that it set off such a chain of events. It was like seeing that somebody else hit the ball gave the other guys the confidence they needed.

It seems that it motivated the guys on the other team too, because they came out and beat our hineys. I've been thinking about it ever since. The need to rally. The thought that sometimes life starts to feel like a no hitter and all the players are twiddling their thumbs in the outfield. Sometimes it seems like every swing you take leads to a strike. You just get discouraged. Then, something happens. You hit the ball. Or a friend hits the ball. There is running, cheering, fist pumping. The scoreboard starts to move. The game changes. And you might even lose the game, but it gives you hope that next time, it's yours.

I'm rallying tonight. A couple of months ago I decided it is time for me to go back to work full-time. These last couple of months have been filled with tears about leaving a job I love, fear of the unknown, excitement about new possibilities, and prayers for direction. One of my specific prayers was that a job would open up here in town. Even as I prayed that I braced myself that I would most likely end up commuting. I was also praying about the timing as I am committed through May with dance and theater. Well, a few weeks ago there was an opening listed here! I sent out my resume, but in just a few days the listing was gone. I was bummed. Strike one. Josh encouraged me to go by the office and take my resume in person. I did and the hiring manager wasn't there. I was told to come back the next week. I went back. Nobody was there. Strike two. I pretty much decided my resume was just floating in cyberspace and nobody would ever see it.

Well, I was discouraged but trying really hard to trust that God had a plan. Then, Friday I got a call asking if I was still interested in the job. I have an interview tomorrow! I'm back to floating between excitement and nerves.Mostly I'm just trying to rally. Trying to get the confidence that after 4 years away from social work (seriously, how did 4 years go by???) that I can do this. I don't know what adventures and trials your week will hold, but I hope I can help you rally too. Don't be afraid to get up to bat. We'll cheer each other on. We'll just keep swinging until we get our timing.And when we do, we'll celebrate with boiled peanuts. :)

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Full of Promise

The Fidlers want to wish you all a very Happy Easter! This day means everything to us. We live because He lives!

"‎"Instead of promises full of emptiness. He gave us emptiness full of promise." Rev. Joshua Fidler

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Sugar and Glue and Gold Medals Too

Okay, this will be my last dance mom post. For a while. It just happened that two of our competitions got cancelled and the only time we could reschedule meant us having competitions back to back. I'm too old for this, y'all. I am wore.slap.out. But that's ok. My motto right now is: Make it through May. Make it through May. Say it with me everybody! Tonight we finished 3 of the 4 dances I'm responsible for for the recital and I may have danced around the room tonight singing, "Wasup wasup!"  When Sarah reaches the age of 11 I am pretty sure she will relocate to another state. Anyway, the only dance I haven't finished is my tiny tots dance. I think if I could expand their attention span from 3 minutes to 5 that we could've finished tonight, but some goals are just too lofty for me, especially on weeks like this where I'm feeling two weeks behind on everything.

I just thought I would hit on some highlights from last weekend before I forget them.

* We took a chartered bus and I am praising God I survived. First, the driver announced that we would be driving for 2 hours before we would be stopping. Say wha? You don't understand. I can literally drink 3 oz. of water and have to look for a rest area. Then, this bus driver was super nice, but his driving scared the mess out of me. I promise, everytime I would look up we would be about to hit somebody or run off the road. I would give one of the other mom's a look and say, "Just don't look." So, I read a lot. 

* The night we got there we ate at Dreamland Bar-B-Que and even though I was exhausted and experiencing PTSD from the bus ride, it was so much fun. The owner made us sing and dance to our table. He entertained the whole restaurant and when our girls would get up and walk around the restaurant we would look up and he would be dragging them by their hair asking where their Mama's were. This is some of our girls in an impromptu performance. :)
* Our girls asked to rehearse that night so I took them to a ballroom where Barbie was rehearsing one of the older girls. They did their dance and rocked it. 

* Sat. morning the tap trio and moms ate breakfast together at the hotel and then went to work on make-up. They had a later performance time than last week and we made sure hair was done before breakfast. I thought we were all over it. I mean, we actually got to sit down and eat real food. I learned that however long it normally takes to get ready you should add on 25 minutes per fake eyelash you have to put on. My word, I am definitely not a make-up artist. You know it's getting crazy the 8th time you say, "Please do not spin in that chair while I am gluing your eyelashes!!"

* Our girls rocked their dance and then we stood on the side and watched one of our other trios. After it was over they ran backstage smiling ear to ear and hugging. That's the moment you live for. At that point it totally doesn't matter what the judges thought. When you know you've done your best and you feel that good about it, that's all that matters! I was so impressed with how improved our girls were just a week later. They took it seriously!

* Sarah's trio got gold! From silver to gold in a week, not bad! They also won the judge's award for "Classy Tappers". I just love that. Classy is my favorite adjective. :)
* Unfortunately there were some not classy performances. I try really hard to appreciate and encourage everyone who dances, not just our girls, but there was a dance that made my skin crawl. I would've taken Sarah out, but I couldn't get my jaw off the ground fast enough.Teenage girls dancing in lingerie to a song that I won't even put the words to. I don't get it. Why do people think that's ok? Even if I were not a Christian or a preacher's wife, that kind of stuff just offends me as a woman and a dancer. I know how hard dancers work and it is so offensive to basically do a striptease and perpetuate that idea that people have of dancing. Not classy!

*Okay, I will get off of that soapbox. In kind of related news, I was sitting behind a dad (you always hope it is a dad and not just some random guy) who was snoozing through the competition. He woke up when a clogging number came on. They danced to "Pour Some Sugar on Me". He really jammed out then. It made me think of my Dad and how he would have appreciated a song like that in the middle of all the broadway tunes. :)  You may wonder how I can be okay with this song and not the other. I was contemplating that and came to 2 conclusions. 
1. I was like 8 when that song came out and in my mind I still have innocent thoughts about it. I imagine kids with bags of sugar pouring it on each other. Like an 8 year old's dream of Candyland or something. 
2. You cannot be sexy clogging. I'm sorry. It's just not possible. I bet if you go back and study the history of dance and courtship, you will find nothing about clogging. Just sayin'.  

* Our girls performed all throughout the day and we sat through 3 awards ceremonies. I'm a big believer that they all need to be there to support each other. So, we were. And every.single.time. they would play the Macerana. It was fun the first time. It was annoying the second time. By the third time at 9:00 at night I was singing and dancing and delusional. 

*We finally ate supper at 9:30. This pic says it all....
* We headed out Sunday morning and halfway through our trip the A/C went out in the bus. Fun times. I suddenly felt inspired to choreograph a clogging number in the style of Flashdance called "Pour Some Water on Me."  Needless to say, I was thrilled to get home and sleep in my own bed. Sarah was thrilled when she finally got the last of the glue out of her eyelashes.