Go Rest High on Rainbow Mountain....

*Warning: Graphic and disturbing images that may not be suitable for younger audience.

Today I am appreciating the wisdom of Hannah Montana. "Nobody's perfect, you live and you learn it." Oh you don't know that song? Well, I will be more than happy to ship that CD to you. :) Anyway, today I want to talk about a lesson I am learning that has been influenced by Hannah Montana, Barbie, honeybuns and the Bible. Are you ready for this??

The topic today: Weight. And beauty. I know I have shared my weight loss plans with you and I really felt like I had arrived when I saw that someone actually found my blog by searching for "Emily Strickland diet". Holy cow! Okay, so obviously there is an Emily Strickland (my maiden name) out there who actually has a diet that is working and that people are wanting to try. But, it was fun for a second to pretend that I would be someone people would seek for weight loss advice. Then reality hit and it was just funny!

I have joked a lot about my weight loss efforts but the truth is that it has been a very serious subject in my life. I'm about to get personal here so I just thought I would warn you. I was diagnosed with my depression in August of 2000 and got engaged in September of 2000. That meant that I started an anti-depressant and birth control in the same year. Many anti-depressants are known to cause weight gain and mine certainly did. Also, when I started on birth control the nurse practictioner told me that it would increase my appetite but it would not cause me to gain weight. I didn't get that because if my appetite is increased I'm gonna eat more! I had already gained about 15 pounds by the time I walked down the aisle and then I started married life as the wife of a breadman. Good grief! Unlimited access to bagels and honeybuns. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how ugly that got. THEN, I got pregnant 4 months after we were married. I gained..........50 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll never forget Easter of that year because I had gained 15 pounds in a month when I went back to the dr. He didn't chastise me or tell me to change my diet. He just said, "Somebody sure enjoyed their Easter bunnies." It is funny now, but to a very hormonal pregnant woman it was not. I called Josh crying and wouldn't tell him why and I know he thought the dr. had told me I was dying. That was how I was acting.

So, that is how my weight loss struggle began. I still remember the first time I really looked at myself in the mirror after Sarah was born. I was disgusted. All of the models and celebraties were in the magazines looking even better after having babies and I looked like I might still have a few more in there waiting for delivery. The models obviously did not have the unlimited resources to carbs that I did. I ordered diet pills. Which was just what my depressed, postpartum hormonal self needed. Like I needed another honeybun.

I never lost all of the weight before I got pregnant with Eli and then I gained 60 POUNDS!!!!! I did do much better after he was born about exercising. For a while. I really got my wake-up call when we moved to Mississippi. God had done amazing things bringing us here, but I won't lie. It was a very stressful time. I was finishing up my last year of school, including an internship in the ER and I had a 3 year old and an infant. Food once again became my comforter. After we moved I received a gift card and I went to try on clothes. I had to buy pants that were 3 sizes bigger than the last time I had bought clothes. It was just a month after that I learned that I was pregnant with Kate and I decided at that moment that things were going to be different.

I was very careful about what I ate. I only gained 35 pounds with her and that was a big accomplishment after my previous pregnancy weight gain. I was extremely motivated after she was born to lose not just the pregnancy weight, but also the depression, birth control pill, honeybun weight. I had such a rough time when she was born that I honestly lost my appetite. That has never happened in my entire life. I really think that helped me the most but I don't recommend going through what I went through to achieve results!! Between nursing and substituting 2 or 3 of my meals everyday with Lean Cuisines or Weight Watcher meals I started losing the weight pretty quickly. I was also still working and would eat low fat subs for lunch most days. It really helped that I was on the go so much for work. That had been my biggest struggle before, being at home surrounded by food and my kids who were constantly eating. I felt like I lived in the kitchen. So, that is my weight loss story. I am actually back in the size I wore in high school.

I share this story for several reasons. 1. I've had several people ask me about how I lost weight. 2. I know SO many people who struggle with this, and probably all moms have struggled with their body image even if they don't share the weight gain. Having a baby just changes your body no matter what! 3. For me I feel like my weight loss was a testimony to how God is involved in all parts of our life. I'm going to share that part now.

You see, that Christmas that I went shopping for new clothes and had to move into not only a new pant size, but a new department altogether, I realized something. I realized that I was a stress eater. And I realized that was not okay. In the same way that we teach that it is wrong to drown out our sorrows with alcohol or seek an escape with drugs, it was wrong for me to seek food for comfort when Jesus told us that we have a comforter. I realized that instead of casting my cares at His feet I was eating Dove chocolate like it was going out of style. So, this endeavor became more for me than a physical one. It became a spiritual one.

I don't want this to become an issue of what size you are. It's really not about everybody being a certain size. It's about being at a place where you are at peace. With your relationship with God and with how you feel about yourself. I still do not like to see pictures of myself from certain times. And that makes me sad because many of those are pictures with my babies. I became more anti-social because I didn't feel comfortable being seen or participating in certain activities. It has been so freeing and exciting to have fun and not constantly be worried about how I look. Some of that has to do with the weight loss. But mostly it has to do with the work God has done on my heart about accepting myself.

So now that I have shared all of that, I will confess that I am still very much a work in progress. Physically and spiritually. I still have a mummy tummy that will probably never go away. I am slowly trying to accept that. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I don't look like Barbie. That brings me to the next part of this.

I love Barbie. Playing with dolls was my favorite pastime for many years. Above bike riding and roller skating, I loved dolls. Especially my Barbies. So, I'm not here to bash Barbie. I'm just here to lay to rest some of the ideas that Barbie has filled our minds with. I had someone ask me why I struggled with insecurities about how I look. I could totally make a list of every physical flaw I see in myself, but I will spare you. Because I think it is much more simple than that. I'm not Barbie. Have you ever thought about how Barbie has all kinds of friends, but Barbie is the star? It is the same problem I have with children in beauty pageants. They may learn confidence, poise and personality. Or...they must just learn that only 1 girl is pretty and good enough and the rest are not.

You see, our culture has continued to reinforce this idea in movies and TV shows. Casts are made up of all kinds of characters, but there is usually only 1 pretty girl. It is so easy to convince yourself that those around you are so much prettier, skinnier, or likeable. So where does everybody else fit in?

Barbie herself inspired this post. One weekend I spent the majority of my time putting her head back on. Let me explain. Kate shares my passion for dolls. Unfortunately for those dolls she insists on putting them in Speed Racer's car instead of their car. And y'all, Barbie is too big for Speed Racer's car. She don't fit. To add to the humiliation Barbie must feel about being too big, Kate was constantly pulling her head off in the process of car stuffing. It is rough to be a toy in this house. I spent so much time putting her head back on that at one point I found myself saying, "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you in the name of Jesus. Get up and walk!" Seriously, you know you have spent too much time in the house with kids when you are praying for the healing of Barbie dolls. Apparently the Spirit was not with me because instead of "healing" Barbie I broke her head off...for good. So sad. But it taught me a lesson. Even Barbie couldn't cut it when she was put somewhere that wasn't created for her.

So here is what I am getting at. God says that we were created for His glory and in His image. If you have become a follower of Jesus is that what concerns you? I've had to start asking myself, am I more concerned with others seeing Jesus in me or with others thinking I'm beautiful, skinny, attractive, etc.? Does it matter if I'm a size 0 and have perfectly straight, white teeth if my heart is ugly? Do I feel like I don't fit because I'm trying to fit into a mold that wasn't made for me? Whose approval am I seeking?

If you really want to see what happens when you try to fit into something not created for you, check out poor Barbie. My kids didn't even give her a proper burial....

True Beauty

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

~~~~~~~~~

Written by the late educator-humorist Sam Levinson for his grandchild and read by Audrey Hepburn on Christmas Eve, 1992. It was also used by Ms. Hepburn on occasion when she was asked for beauty tips.

My Day of Beauty

As I mentioned in my last blog I have had a very uneventful week at home sick. I had read all of my library books, googled every website known to mankind, and watched all of my CSI:Miami Season 6 DVD's. So....like I said, it's been pretty uneventful. And, since I was up until 5:00 this morning!!!!!!!!!! because my side hurt every time I laid down I decided maybe it was time to head to the doctor. Josh had planned to be at home today to work on sermons so by the time I rolled out of bed and threw my nappy hair into a clip I headed out for the after hours clinic in Bay Springs. It was SOOOO nice today and I really wanted to be going for a walk and was really kicking myself for not going to the dr. earlier in the week and getting better.

I pulled up and there was a parking lot of people. Yay. I was so thrilled to go expose myself to the multitude of germs that awaited. :) Well, the receptionist looked like she had already had a day and I noticed there was a sign that said they would not be accepting any more patients until after 1:00. Great. I then decided I would go drop off our library books. Sarah just got her first library card and the library has become our favorite hangout. We really missed it this week. We are allowed 10 items from the library at a time on our cards and Sarah feels like me that we should get 10 items everytime we go! So, I had an ARMFUL of books and movies to drop off. I found a way to position them and made my way to the door. What did the sign say? They didn't open until 1:00 today. I made a mental note that if I had to go back to work I wanted a job at the library and hauled my books back to the jeep. I started debating. It was about 11:15. I didn't want to go home just to turn back around. I needed to go get measured for my bridesmaid dress for my sister in law's wedding. I was looking and feeling like the 11th plague, but I figured this might be my only alone time out of the house before I had to have the measurements to her. So, I ventured on to Laurel.

Now, let me stop here and tell you that I cannot think of anything more humiliating than going into a fancy dress shop where all of the salespeople are dressed to the nines and have perfect hair and makeup and having a complete stranger take your measurements. Although, having someone you KNOW may be equally or far more humiliating. That is like when my sister worked at a tanning salon and spray tanned me for her wedding because I was 7 months pregnant and could not tan. I know I could not let a stranger do that, but at the same time I am sure Jenny had horrific nightmares of my blessed belly for months. But...I digress. Anyway, back to feeling humiliated did I also mention that I had taken no time to get ready, had no make-up and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt? I actually passed a pick-up truck on the side of the road where they were selling perfume and I thought about stopping. But I didn't.

Well I got to the dress shop and it actually wasn't too bad. There was another lady in jeans and a t-shirt so I didn't feel so bad. The lady made me stand in front of a full length mirror which I do not understand. I guess it was so I could have a visual of the abysmal measurements she was writing down. It also gave me the chance to see a bleach spot on my t-shirt. Not a big one, just big enough to say "I have no self pride and don't even look at myself before I leave the house." :) It was pretty quick and painless until I got out of the store and looked at the paper. As my friend Shelly says, "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!" I can never remember what "normal" measurements are and I was trying to remember that Baby got Back song when he says the measurements. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, all I could think when I saw my hip measurement is that Mr. Sir Mix-A-Lot would probably consider me quite the overacheiver!!

After vowing not to eat for the next 3 months I realized I still had a little bit of time before the magical 1:00 hour when the clinic and the library would come to life. On my way I had noticed a Sally Beauty supply store but as I was sitting there I noticed something even more glorious across the street. A Walgreens! Please do not ask what my deal is with drugstores. I truly do not know. I do know that when I check out I become convinced I need a 12 step program. And...it is March! I love March! It is just so exciting to me when the weather starts to change and spring is on the way. So how do I celebrate every year? With new make-up of course! So I spent a few minutes at Walgreens. I was proud to realize that I have gained a great deal of self-control in the last few years, mainly due to the fact that I've finally learned there are some beauty issues that they just don't make products for!! I did get a new mascara and nail polish. That is also a sign of spring. I get very lazy about painting my toenails during the winter so it is like a rite of passage to get my new toenail polish for sandal season!

When I left I decided to bite the bullet and go get my eyebrows waxed. It was way overdue and my time out of the house alone is about as rare as finding something that's not fried on a Mississippi menu. I figured I was already feeling bad, might as well just suffer through it all at once. :) Can I just say that sometimes it stinks being a girl and especially a girl with dark hair? Let's face it, blonde girls can get away less grooming. They just can. That's why blondes have more fun! They don't have to get waxed as much!! The girl put the wax on and as soon as she did I knew it. I could feel it. I was thinking, 'Isn't that half of my eyebrow?' She gave me the mirror to see after she was done but what can you say? At that point it is done. Do you demand her to put it back? Ask her to go ahead and take all of it and get intensive lessons in penciling in eyebrows? What can you do? I was just glad it was on the side that my bangs lay. Praise God for small mercies, right? No, there will be no pictures with this post. There will probably be no pics of me for quite a while!!

On my way home I started thinking about my "day of beauty". I know I've blogged about seeking that inner beauty and the beauty that only comes from our Lord. But I gotta tell ya, sometimes I wish the plain old physical kind was easier to come by! I was raised by a true southern belle. I don't think I saw my mama without make-up until I was like 10. Seriously. Mississippi girls don't do the dishes without lipstick on do you hear me? My mom is beautiful and I have a drop dead gorgeous sister who has done modeling and was blessed with all of the fashion sense between us. She always has the cutets outfits and the best hair. I have struggled to overcome my jeans, t-shirts and ponytail ways. I've always wanted to be one of those perfectly manicured, meticulously dressed, look like they just walked out of the salon people. Of course the people who walk out of the salon with both of their eyebrows!! :) I blame my lazy fashion ways on growing up a dancer. I had a dance class at school, and band practice after school and then usually another dance class after that. While going through the shed at my parent's house I found one of my dance team t-shirts and my brother said "You lived in that" and it is so true! I also was never allowed to have fingernail polish on the dance team. Even though we wore hideous white gloves when we performed we still got checked at every game. For real, y'all!!

So, now I've traded my dancing shoes for tennis shoes as I run errands and do chores. I choose my clothes based on what I will not have to iron and what will hide baby drool and apple juice the best. I continually have the best intentions about keeping my nails painted and my lipstick on. My poor husband! I guess I have learned that when you go days without makeup living in jeans and a t-shirt you definitely get noticed for even the smallest attempt made! I like to set the bar low!!! I am a total candidate for "What Not to Wear" and please, somebody feel free to nominate me! Just DON'T ASK FOR MY MEASUREMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

As Seen On TV....

So, this is kind of random, but I'm just wondering...does anybody else feel the need to lose 30 pounds or get their teeth whitened when they get online? I mean, according to all of the advertisements popping up on my pages (and maybe it's just my pages) I've got a lot of work to do. Of course, I already knew that. I just would feel a little better if I didn't look so much like all of the before pictures.

It's the internet now, but a few years back it was infomercials. When Josh and I first got married he was working ALL the time and I spent way too much time watching TV. Without fail, every Saturday would be infomercial day. I have never been overly confident in myself as it is, but let me tell you after a day of infomercials you become aware of insecurities you didn't know you should have!I have to be completely honest and say that I worry way too much about how I look. I have to also say that I haven't met a girl yet who doesn't. It's hard in the world we live in. We are constantly bombarded with beautiful people and their $39.99 secrets to beauty. We are also a society obsessed with makeover shows. We makeover people's houses, cars, wardrobes, and even do plastic surgery for the ultimate makeover. Somehow we've all decided that things that look good can fix the things that make us feel bad.

Lately I have been having a come to Jesus meeting with myself. That's a Mississippi term for a time when you just get it all out there in the open. Anyway, I've had to accept that wrinkles have come and will stay, stretch marks don't fade as much I'd like, and it takes time to recover from bad haircuts. But, I've also realized that those wrinkles have come from laughter and stretch marks from bringing 3 people into the world (okay, and eating a case of honeybuns at a time!). You see, I'm having to learn about a different kind of beauty, the kind they don't sell creams for. Authentic beauty. My friend Karen passed this quote on to me from the book Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. I want to pass it on to you...

"Authentic beauty may very well be one of the rarest earthly treasures today. It holds a magnetism far beyond the loveliness of a properly painted face, and it possesses a charm that towers over the enchanting grace of a sweet personality. It is not ever to be discovered in the pomp and polish of high society, nor in the silk and satin of those conformed to popular culture. Rather it emerges only rarely in each generation, and that in the life of a young woman-a young woman who is deeply in love with the Prince of her soul."