This Is Who I Am

Against my better judgment, I found myself glued to the show "Intervention" last night. Despite determining I would never put myself through that experience again, I couldn't help it. I am drawn to dysfunctional people like a moth to a flame. It's because I am one.

The particular episode I was unable to drag myself away from documented the struggle of a girl (woman) who had struggled with bulimia for 4years. Sad. Tragic. I had to watch an hour and a half worth of "Golden Girls" after to get over it. The pleas and tears of her family. The dramatically shocking pictures of her physical decline. The heartbreaking loneliness that a TV screen couldn't contain. The utter hopelessness.

I have never struggled with an eating disorder or a drug problem. Only because I've never tried either. I say it all the time, but I have no doubt that if I had allowed myself to "try" any of those routes at weaker times in my life, I would be on that show. I guess that is why it is so hard for me to watch that show. I relate too much. This particular story struck a cord with me because as they began the girl's story her parents and siblings shared how she was a "sensitive" child. I was also a senstive child if there ever was one. Her Mom shared how she had commented one day about what a happy childhood she had. Her Mom then broke down questioning what had happened? I can so relate. When I went through my depression one of the toughest things was talking with counselors and them trying to get to the root of my issues. Growing up with a great family, lots of friends and being fairly successful in most of my endeavors didn't give them a lot to work with.

As the story progressed, I got it. It became perfectly clear what this girl's deal was. And it was most the heartbreaking part of the whole thing. She talked about some people being smart, or talented or pretty. She didn't feel like she was any of those things. So, she was good at watching what she ate. That became her "thing".

Have you ever been there? Desperate to have a "thing"? I know I struggled with that. I had such a great group of friends growing up, but I always felt like there was "the smart one", "the pretty one", "the funny one", "the athletic one". It goes on. I was never sure what my thing was. I can look back now and see that I depended heavily on the things I *did* versus who I *was* to determine my identity. If you want to know what was at the crux of my depression, I believe that it was graduating and leaving behind those *things* that I *did*. I had no idea who Emily was when I wasn't *doing*. I had no idea how to just be. How to feel valuable as a person without those things.

This is one of those times that I felt led to share because I feel like there might be someone who reads this that is dealing with that very thing right now. I hope that what God has done in my life gives you hope. I still don't think of myself as "the smart one" or "the pretty one" and Lord knows I am NOT the athletic one!!!!! So, what, you may be asking, changed? The *thing* that had to change was my heart. I had to learn to see myself as God sees me. As someone important enough to be bought with the blood of His Son. I just came across this verse tonight and it is rocking my world. Because these words that were spoken 1,950 years ago are the exact same ones I want to say to you. "Then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed." Acts 4:10


Change that man to woman, and you have the story of my life. I accepted Jesus as a young child, but it wasn't until I reached a point in my life when I truly had nothing to offer that I learned, I hadn't ever had anything to offer! Not anything that made me one ounce better in the eyes of God. I am valuable because I'm His. End of story. No need to tap dance, win a nobel prize, or go to the Olympics. When we decide to follow Jesus we learn that our true worth comes because of the person God see when He looks at us-Jesus.

Oh, how I wish I could personally go hug that girl. Just wrap my arms around her and tell her the *thing* that could change her life. The *thing* that brings more meaning and hope and purpose to life than anything else. A relationship with the Heavenly Father. I have so many sweet blog readers who leave me the most encouraging and loving comments. Y'all will never know how much it means to me. I love to hear that you think I'm funny, or you can relate to what I'm going through, or you have wise words of advice. But nothing has impacted me as much as having people I've never even met in real life write, "I love your heart." That just blows me away. First, the fact that anybody besides my family reads my blog still blows my mind. Second, for you to say you love my heart means that you appreciate me for me, and not some talent or skill I have to offer. But most importantly, I pray that you love my heart because of what Jesus has made it. And is still making it. I know who I am. An imperfect person full of flaws, sins and insecurities. But I've also been able to glimpse what Jesus can do with an imperfect, flawed, insecure person. He is amazing.

 She was just a girl on TV, but it could have been me.  I can't help but cry out to God that one day the words of Acts 4:10 would be her own life verse.