You Make Me Smile

Last night as I lay in bed searching for sleep, I became a tad bit emotional. My firstborn is 9 today, and that led to the realization that next year she will be 10. And then 11. And then, well, she's just not going to be a little girl anymore. I've never wanted to grieve my children getting older. It's what they're supposed to do. I do look forward to seeing who Sarah becomes in every season of her life. But, it still made me a little weepy as I thought about getting her a doll and going to the park and doing things that she won't want to do in just a few years. Reminds me to make the most of it now!

I also couldn't help thinking about where I was 9 years ago. Funny that I remember. I was up, too excited to sleep, painting my toe nails. And that was no easy feat. I was gigantuan pregnant. Seriously. I got huge with my pregnancies. But I was determined my toe nails would be painted. I was hanging out with our cocker spaniel, Abby, watching "The Other Sister". The next night I headed to the hospital to be induced. They hooked me up to all kinds of machines and we listened to Sarah hiccup the night away. I had felt her do it inside of me for months, but that was Josh's first experience. At that point the machines would show that I was having contractions but I couldn't really feel them yet. We would get so excited. Then, I started feeling them and Josh would watch the machines like a hawk and say, "Whoa, that was a big one!" He learned quickly that, yes, I knew it was a big one. :)

I've shared often what a tough first year that was for me. For many reasons. Sarah had colic and many of my sleep-deprived memories are of both of us in the rocking chair crying. But as the years have passed I find myself finding new memories of that first year. And I remember that in the midst of some bitter times, there were some really sweet ones, too. Mostly, that during one of the hardest times of my life, Sarah could make me smile.

Sarah Beth Fidler, I am so in love with you! You came into this world with your own personality and your own sense of style. You showed me right away that you were not a miniature clone of me or your Daddy. You are your own person, specially designed by a Heavenly Father who knew exactly what He was doing. You were 2 months old the first time you laughed out loud. I mean LAUGHED OUT LOUD! I was feeding you in the bed and Abby jumped up in there with us and started circling like crazy trying to get comfortable. You stopped eating (something you NEVER did! You sucked a bottle dry without stopping) and watched her. Next thing I knew you were laughing hysterically. I had read all of the books and did not expect anything beyond gassy smiles at that point. But there you were, and you had a sense of humor! Praise the Lord, it is a necessary trait in this family!

Another favorite memory of mine was when you were 8 or 9 months old. You had started standing up in your crib and thought you were big stuff. I went in to change you and started coughing. You thought it was hilarious. You would mock me and cough every time I did and then laugh. You were such a silly goose!

You loved the Toby Keith song, "Who's Your Daddy?" and if I would sing it to you it would cause you to cackle. I mean laugh uncontrollably.

I had never experienced the feeling it would give me to see or hear you laugh or smile. Pure joy. I still feel that way. You give me so many reasons to smile. You are so kind and compassionate, thoughtful, and a great friend. You are bright and creative and a nurturer. I was trying to decide if I thought you would become a missionary or a party planner and it came to me that I could totally see you as a missionary who plans parties for people when they ask Jesus into their hearts. That would be THE job for Sarah Beth Fidler.The world is a better place because you are here. I am so proud to be your Mom and you are living proof that kids can turn out okay even when their Mamas are crazy and have no idea what they're doing.

Happy Birthday Sarah! You make me smile!