The Good News Is I Don't Have Anthrax

I feel that I owe my blog readers and any breathing human being who has been in my presence in the last couple of weeks an apology. I have been in a funk of epic proportions.  Debby Downer has nothin' on me. I feel like when I walk in the room it is like everyone stops for a minute long enough for the "whaa, whaa, whaa" to play. Plants droop, dogs tails stop wagging, and ice cream melts. Okay, perhaps that is a bit dramatic, but seriously, there's been a cloud over my head for weeks now.

I would like to blame it totally on some medicine I've been on. I was quite impressed by this medicine by the way. It's info. says it treats everything from acne(the 1 hormonal problem I DON'T have) to lyme disease (Lord knows I've had more encounters with ticks than most professional hunters) and get this...ANTHRAX. Personally that seemed a bit much to me, but hey, what do I know? Well, the fun thing about this medicine is that apparently, I'm allergic to it. Took me a full week to figure that out. About a week ago my legs started itching LIKE CRAZY!!! And it was always at bedtime. I would lay in bed and scratch like a dog. Very attractive. Anyway, it finally occured to me that this was an allergic reaction and I am officially not taking this medicine anymore. It also made me not able to sleep (whether it just caused insomnia or it was the hour long scratching fest everynight, I'm not sure), which has made me tired, which made me irritable, which always leads to me over analyzing what kind of person I really am and thinking that I'm terrible and life is terrible and the whole shebang.

So, yes, I would definitely like to blame that stinkin' medicine. But, there has actually been a lot more going on. I haven't been sure how much to share because for the first time in my blogging career it really hit me how the things I write could possibly affect my babies. Sarah is now at an age that while she doesn't read my blog, she is very aware of things and how people treat her and react to her. So I share this trusting that my wonderful bloggy friends will respond with the same love and grace you always do.

A couple of weeks ago we got a note from Sarah's teacher asking for a conference. With ALL of Sarah's teachers AND the principal. We were scared. I was scared because after homeschooling Sarah I knew that what she had been studying wasn't synching up with the school's curriculum and she was really struggling. Yes, I felt like a failure. I would say "feel" but I am really trying to get over it. Anyway, there is a lot to this whole story, but during the conference we became aware of something we had no clue about. The private school that Sarah attended for kindergarten and part of 1st grade had faxed her test results and grades and the principal of Sarah's new school informed us that on the spring test during kindergarten she scored in the 33%. My jaw literally dropped to the ground. I am not kidding. It was the teachers and principals turn to have that reaction when I shared that we were never made aware of that test score. I told them that as far as we knew she had always made straight A's and no one ever once communicated to us that there was any problem whatsoever. I could have spit fire, y'all. I am not even kidding. First, I won't even tell you how much money we paid for Sarah to obviously not learn much at all. Second, the fact that no one thought that was important information for us to know just blows my mind. That score could indicate that Sarah is just a poor test taker, that her teacher didn't do a good job, OR  that there was something serious going on that we needed to address. It really explained a lot of the issues and frustrations I had with homeschooling. I had obviously been expecting her to know things that she didn't.

I know this sounds like I'm trying to pass the blame, but I promise I'm not. I just felt like I learned a very valuable lesson in that we have to be involved and proactive as parents. I've said that when my kids were babies I kept up with every developmental milestone and knew exactly when to expect things like crawling, walking, etc. But as soon as Sarah went to school it never occured to me to keep up with what she should be learning as closely. Josh and I were both honor students and had very little trouble in school. I really didn't expect kindergarten to be that difficult, especially for my Sarah who pretty much came out of the womb talking in complete sentences. I also became concerned after doing some research that she might have dyslexia. I always thought that dyslexia was just reading things backwards or mixing up letters. Sarah has had difficulty with tranposing letters, but I learned from this site that there is a lot more to it. Her teacher will be keeping an eye on her, because some of the symptoms work themselves out around this age. After some assessments and discussing our options like everyday tutoring and other avenues, we made the decision to move Sarah back to 2nd grade. I say that matter of factly, like it is no big deal, but it has been a very big deal. It has consumed my thoughts and kept me awake at night (that and my itchy legs). I've cried and cried and cried some more. I've been angry. I've cried in front of teachers and guidance counselors and principals. I've felt like a failure. Let's face it, you never see a bumper sticker that says "My child had to be moved back a grade because my homeschooling stunk". But, the more I dealt with it and prayed about it and, yep, cried about it, the clearer it became. Of course I had the normal fears of how it would affect Sarah's self-esteem and would she make new friends (bless her heart, it's hard enough to move and start in a new class once, not to mention twice!) But at the end of the day I knew my biggest issue was pride. I'm sure that any parent in this position would feel some responsibility, but knowing that you were homeschooling, you were the one soley responsible for your child's education. It's been devastating. The way my heart has hurt over this has been one of the most painful things I've experienced, and if you know what this last year of my life has been like you know that is saying a lot. I finally concluded that when I questioned what to do the biggest hang up everytime was my pride. And.....I had to get over it. No question about it. I think one of the greatest things about being a Mom is that it has taught me that it doesn't matter how things look, it doesn't matter what people might think or say, the only thing that matters is doing what is right for your kids. Amen.

So, today was Sarah's first day in 2nd grade. She loved it. She has an awesome teacher and knows several other 2nd graders from church. I worried how her friends in 3rd grade would react, but they are all jealous that Sarah gets to have their favorite teacher. :) We are all breathing a little easier tonight that the decision has been made and the hard part is over.

So, that is one of the things that has been weighing on me lately, putting me in my Debby the Downer state. Tonight, I feel like a 1,000 pounds have been lifted off of me. Now that Sarah is successfully settled in 2nd grade and I've quit taking that crazy medicine, I am hoping to get some sleep tonight. Wish me luck!

I leave you with a quote that sums up this whole experience for me:

"You must accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and the best you have to give." - Eleanor Roosevelt