It's 2:00 am and I just finished loading the dishwasher and folding a load of clothes. For some reason my mini-me (Kate) has joined the insomnia bandwagon and is up at this very minute asking me what spiders eat. Does that question keep anybody else up? I'm pretty sure my insomnia has other causes, but at least I've been productive a couple of these insomniac nights. A few nights ago I cleaned out our front closet and would you believe that every person in my house has a minimum of 55 pairs of shoes? I also discovered where all of the missing socks go...I am very tempted to put a sign by the closet door that says NO SOCKS ALLOWED! I would hope that sign would motivate my people to make their way to the laundry room, but I'm guessing we'd just end up with a trail of socks from the front door to the kitchen.....Anyway, there is a good chance Josh may really start believing in the cleaning fairy....
So, the reason I am writing is that obviously this is a challenging time for me and my family. For anyone new to the blog, I lost my Dad last year on Christmas Day. As the one year mark rides in on the holidays, I find myself experiencing a wide range of emotions. It is hard to explain, but as this season began and I started unpacking boxes of Christmas decorations, it was like everything happened yesterday. Like I had just packed those boxes. Or not packed them. Good grief, you would not believe the stuff that got broken. I have no memory of undecorating my house last year, and between that and our move there were quite a few things that have now been retired. I've been telling Josh for months that I had no idea how I would feel or act once this month arrived. So far, it has been a mixture of tears, angry outbursts and excitement. Yes, I've still been able to feel excited. In fact, I've gone into overdrive this year. Y'all, I have a binder. Anyone who knows me well will probably leave their computer right now and come to check and make sure I have not had a brain transplant. I've gone from not even being a list person to having a whole binder full of lists with gift ideas, recipes, and people to send cards to. I haven't even sent cards the last couple of years and that was just out of pure laziness. For some reason I really wanted to send them this year, but as I was ordering them I felt unsure. Does one send cards out the year after such a loss? Should they be serious, sad cards? And it hit me that no one gave me a rule book explaining these things.
Being the overanalyzer that I am I have become aware that my overplanning and list making and binder toting is my attempt to control this time in a way that I obviously could not control what happened last year. Josh shared with me that after what we experienced last year that it gave him a new appreciation for what this time of year is about and that he just wasn't as into all the hoopla this year. That's when I had to break down and tell him that for some weird reason, I am. I had just spent the morning at Lowe's looking longingly at outdoor lights and decorations and searching for the perfect wreath. And I didn't get it. Because I had feared that I would never want to see Christmas decorations or hear Christmas music again. But I do. Maybe this time makes me remember this time last year when my Dad was still here. Maybe I just realize how much I've let little, petty things steal the joy of Christmas from me in the past few years and now I am reminded of what is special about it. Maybe I just desperately need to keep focusing on other things except the tragedy of last year. Whatever it is, when I ashamedly admitted my longing for icicle lights on our house he said, "Well, if it's important to you, than it needs to be important to me." And they were the sweetest words I needed to hear. And as I thought about my card dilemma tonight, I was reminded of them. And I understood that there is no rule book because everyone is different. We all grieve differently. And that's okay. And as we seek to comfort those who are grieving, it's not so much about knowing a magic formula to make things better or the perfect words to say. It's about seeing where they are and holding their hand through it. It's what Jesus what do.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15
4 comments:
My friend Emily...You words touch my very soul but for different reasons. I am sorry that your Dad is not with you this year. But I know your Dad would want you to get excited for your children because if I remember, Christmas was an exciting time around the Strickland home. Your Dad probably did not care if there were lights up or not, but surely appreciated the excitement you, Jenny, Phillip and then those grandchildren got when they saw them. As sad of a reminder as it is, your Dad would love to see the faces of your children as they marvel at the lights and decorations in your home. Maybe this year put something up special for him. Memories are reminders of the good times and you need to make the most of the memories. Why not a "Who Dat" New Orleans tree?
I have found myself moving slowly with the decorations but Mr. Gary has got the yard full of 13 lighted reindeer and two lighted dogs representing our whole family. No matter what goes on, family is what makes the holidays important. Ours has some splits in it this year, but we are still family. God is still in control and He would not want us to forget about the celebration of His Son's birth in the midst of the chaos of our lives. So, I move slowly but I am moving towards getting everything up and ready for all of them to arrive. The joy I will see when they pull up and pick which deer represents them will be worth it all.
I continue to pray for you and your family. But this year, put the Emily touch on Christmas and see the joy that comes on the faces of your family as they gather together. Love you and if you are in Panama City...stop by and see our herd!!!
In Him,
Mrs. P
I love you Em!! I think it is good that you are allowing yourself to have not so great days, where you grieve and are sad, but then have good days where you are excited about decorating, and cards, and all the rest. Yes, your dad would want you to be excited about Christmas, but at the same time you do need to be sad sometimes - your Dad was special and there is a huge hole in yout family now. I'm sure it's exhausting, going though an entire range of extreme emotions, so know that I am most definately praying for you extra hard during the next couple of weeks. ((hugs, hugs, hugs))
Emily have you ever not knew exactly how to put into writing what is really on your heart,well that is so me right now =) You are on my heart! I am praying for you and your family in the next couple of weeks. Love you girl and I love the words that Mrs.P and your friend Karen wrote, wonderful encouraging words!
Oh, how this post makes me want to sit and talk with you until 3 am (the time it is now) and mourn with you and rejoice with you!!! Much love and prayers!
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