Medically Necessary

*Due to the sensitive nature of this post, I would like to ask that we just keep this between us, k?

So, we have survived Christmas and are facing the New Year. Today, I made a fateful decision. I stepped on the scale. I  would have stepped on it several days ago, had I been able to get to it under the 95 loads of laundry in our laundry room. So, anyway, having made progress in that area, I stepped on the scale. Up five pounds. Yep. For real. You might think that I collapsed in a heap of tears. I was tempted, but seriously, I didn't want to lay on the dirty clothes. I was tempted to cry a river, but instead I started thinkin'. What, just what if, those five pounds were a good five pounds? What if they went to my chest??? Denial. Yes. Delusional. Yes. I knew it. But that got me to thinkin' about something else. How does my fat decide where it will go? Do my hips and thighs hold up welcome signs and offer free room and a continental breakfast? With my sense of direction, just once couldn't my fat cells get turned around and head to the part of me that could use a little help? As I contemplated this I came to the conclusion that these are my fat cells we're talking about and they are probably just too lazy to travel uphill.

Now I know that those of you who have been blessed in the area that I am so lacking want to tell me how bad you have it. I've heard it all before. You can't find shirts that button. Well boo-hoo. Personally, if I try on a shirt that won't button over my chest (as opposed to my stomach) I do a little happy dance in the dressing room. Just sayin'. And I know, some of you say it hurts your back. In fact many women have surgery to reduce that area to ease the pain. Well, that got me to thinkin' too....

You see a few days ago my back started hurting real bad. I thought it was because I saw a picture similar to this and decided I should try it out. I do teach 3 year olds ballet and all.

The thing is, not only have we been off of dance for the last two weeks, and honestly it's been a long time since I've been stretched out enough to do this sort of thing. Okay, so maybe the last time I was dancing that much we were all doing the Tootsie Roll. Does anybody else feel a woot comin' on? Oh. well. I really don't think I could do this if I stretched 26 hours a day. Dern. I was so hoping we could use this in "Good Ship Lollipop". Maybe we'll wait until they turn 5......BTW, if you ever do see me in this position, please call 911. Odds are good I've fallen down a flight of stairs and broken something. Or everything.

So, there's a chance I may have hurt my back while I was attempting this little pose. But, as I pondered my traveling fat cell issues, I came to another conclusion. You know where I'm going with this, right? Yep, I think I need a booty reduction. For medical reasons of course.

I'm off now to eat a piece of peanut butter pie. Oh, who am I kidding. I just finished it. What? You didn't think I meant to reduce my size by eating healthy and exercising? Puh-leez! It's New Year's Eve. I'll start the whole not eating thing tomorrow. Or the next day......

Happy New Year Y'all!!!