Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

 I met you on a cold winter's night, sitting in the recliner in my pajamas. I remember you, not because of the celebratory activities I was participating in, but because of the party I couldn't bring myself to go to. Please don't be offended, but I didn't much care about your appearance. In fact, no day, week, or month had impressed me lately. Not since Christmas day had I taken note of what day or hour it was. We buried my Daddy that week after Christmas, shortly before you came. That's the only event I remember, but I don't even know the date that happened.  It wasn't your fault. I'm sure you didn't choose to be THE YEAR. Everyone told me it would take a year. My counseling classes told me that. My work with Hospice told me that. The brochures the dr. gave me told me that. One year. A single year to process and experience what a friend called a tsunami of emotions. Shock. Denial. Anger. Depression. Bargaining.  Acceptance. It sounds so neat and orderly, doesn't it?

When I finally decided to greet you I jumped in with full force. Daily exercise. Vitamins. A new Bible study. I knew I added those things to my life only to have something to fill your days and give me a reason to change out of my pj's. I had no idea how quickly those days would fill themselves or how many emotions would squeeze their way into the neat order of the staged grieving I was trying to checklist my way through. You turned out to not only be the year of grieving. You were a year of moving. After 3 and a half years at our first church God led us to move 7 hours away and take a position at a new church. My heart was unprepared for the amount of grieving that would happen in a different way over that move. It was in the top 5 of tough things from this year and you, 2010, were a tough year! Leaving our first church and the family we had formed there was no easy task. Organizing and packing a house while my mind was anything but organized was just as difficult a task. I can't lie that the distraction of moving kept me from sinking to a very low place and I believe that God had already ordained that that move would happen exactly when it did, months before the plans were official. That battle had belonged to 2009. You brought the answers and direction we had been desperately seeking for months.

Our move brought many exciting new things with it. A new house. New furniture that we like to brag we were able to get because we were poor enough to have such a good tax return. :) Baby showers and visits with family. A new church.  A new church family. New friends, and incredibly special ones at that. While I continued to grieve, you brought new hope. New opportunities. A new niece. A new decade in my life.A new job. Was there anything you left out this year, 2010?

It is easy to be overcome with frustration and sadness over much of this year. You brought the greatest feeling of failure I have ever experienced as we made the decision to hold Sarah back a year in school. I can't explain it, but it may be the number 1 tough thing of this last year. Was it the pride? The fact that nothing hurts a Mama's heart like watching her children struggle? Was it just the fact that it happened on top of so much other grief and change? I don't know. I just know it devastated me in a way that was new for me. You, 2010, hurt me worse than any other year. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We've had some scary times. Some challenging times. You will forever be the year that I had to wear a leotard for the first time after having 3 children. I guarantee I will never forget you, 2010!

You have also brought an equal amount of joy, love and laughter into my life. You've given me a sense of purpose and contentment that no other year has come close to bringing.You've offered me something other years have attempted, but not achieved. You've offered me perspective. As difficult as so many of your days have been, I've forced myself to face them. I've had a passion and a desperation to make the most of them as I now know what a gift they are. And as I get ready to greet 2011, I know you've made me better. God has used your days to refine me, restore me and refresh me. While you may hold my lowest days of grief and failure, you also hold the moments when God lifted me up and showed me that it is possible to walk in the dark and through the wilderness as long as He is guiding.

I was recently told that the whole one year thing isn't really true. So, I hope you don't feel too disappointed with the things we didn't accomplish. Let's face it, you had a lot on your plate. I hope you have a good retirement, you've earned it. I'm pretty sure you contained a decade worth of lessons and experiences. You must be exhausted. I am. Now, we'll let 2011 take over. I know better than to say I hope for nothing but good things in 2011. You taught me better than that, 2010. Instead, I will just pray that 2011 will be as patient a teacher and that it will promise to sprinkle in as much fun and happiness as you did. And I'll promise to do my best to make the most of every day, every lesson, every opportunity. So long 2010!

Sincerely,
Emily of 2010