He's Just Here For You.....

I cannot believe it is Christmas Eve. Blows my mind. I have no idea where the last year of my life has gone. I mean, with the exception of moving, starting a new church and job, putting the kids in school, welcoming a new niece into the family, and caring for a litter of puppies I just don't know what we've had going on. :)

I have expected this week to be so emotional and upsetting. I just did. And while I've had a few moments, for the most part it hasn't been that way. I think being too busy to think or sit has helped with that. For anyone who doesn't know, this time last year my Daddy was in ICU on a ventilator. We were waiting for the official word from the neurologist that he had suffered too much brain damage after a heart attack and discussing what that would mean and what decision would need to be made. I can type that matter of factly because even as I remember completely falling apart in the hospital, I do not remember the feeling. Does that make sense? I can't explain it. I guess some would call it shock and denial and I believe those are both gifts. But I also believe in something much greater and while I don't know exactly how to explain it, I call it grace. While this time last year was without a doubt the most diffcult time of my life, I was also overwhelmed by the presence of God that enveloped me during that time. His Spirit was the air bag that cushioned the blow of complete and utter devastation in my life.

Christmas Eve afternoon we got the official word and while there was total heartbreak, there was no question for my family what we needed to do. My Dad had always made it clear that he would not want to be kept alive in those circumstances. My Daddy had been a nursing home adminstrator for almost all of his adult life and had spoken often of his wishes for situations like this. I was so thankful that we had had those discussions, morbid as they seem sometimes. It helped that I could know in my heart that the decision we made was what my Daddy expressed as his wishes. So, we made the decision to take him off of the ventilator and that began the most tragic and traumatic hours of our lives. TV gives us the idea that the dr. pulls the plug and the person just goes to sleep. That was not the case. For hours we watched me Daddy struggle to breathe. I thought the hardest part through everything was watching him be unresponsive to us, but just this last week I visited a friend who has spent the last week in ICU with her mother who is not expected to make it. She was aware, but confused about things going on and it made me almost thankful that my Daddy wasn't aware to know what was going on.

I know this is a depressing story to share on Christmas Eve when we are gathering with friends and family to celebrate and enjoy this time. I just couldn't let this day pass without sharing with you the reason I truly celebrate this holiday. You see, that night, just a few hours after we took my Daddy off of the ventilator our family gathered to be there with him. When I say my family, I do not just mean my Mom and brother and sister. I mean my Dad's brothers and their wives and my cousins who drove many miles to be there. In fact, they had been there since the beginning of the week when my Dad was first taken to the hospital. We have always lived spread out from our extended family on both sides, and this was the first time in years that I had seen them. It still to this day is such a gift to me that my cousins sacrificed Christmas with their own families to be with us. It is still a gift to me that my Uncle Reggie was there telling stories from my Dad's childhood that I might not otherwise know. It was a gift that my Uncle Jamie was there to put his arm around me. It was a gift that they were voices of reason during a time when we were too emotional to think straight. I still remember talking to a nurse and learning that we had to make yet another impossible decision. And my uncle gathering us and saying, "This will be the most difficult night of your life."  And I prayed that it would be, because I didn't think my heart could handle anything worse than this.

Well, during this time my Aunt Trish came in to tell me about an encounter she and my Uncle Reggie had in the waiting room. While getting coffee they began talking with an older man and learned that he had lost a twin brother not too long ago. (Uncle Reggie was my Dad's twin.) They talked some more and Uncle Reggie inquired who he was in the hospital with. He answered, "I'm just here for you."  That story still gives me chills, but about a month later Uncle Reggie called and told me the rest of the story. After that encounter my Dad was moved to a different room on another floor. I ended up leaving in the wee hours of the morning so I would be there for my kids on Christmas morning. Uncle Reggie stayed there with my Mom and he said that in those early morning hours, not very long at all before my Daddy took his last breath, that man was walking away from my Dad's room. He said that he had no idea how the man even knew where my Dad was since he had been moved out of ICU. Call me crazy, (and I know y'all have. :)  but I know how he knew. He was there for us.

We prayed so hard for a Christmas miracle last year. We didn't get the one we prayed for. But I learned that just because we don't get the miracle we pray for doesn't mean there aren't miracles happening. God is always there for us and that is what Christmas means. I experienced that last Christmas in a way I had never experienced it. There is no question in my mind that He was there for us. With us.

For many people Christmas equals lights and food and trees and presents. I love all of those things. I do. I would say that even after last year I still love them. But really it is more like especially because of last year. I just have a greater appreciation for everything in life to be honest with you. But so much more than those things, Christmas to me equals having my Lord and Savior with me.

This Christmas has been equally sad and tragic for many close to me. So much loss and heartache. Loss is never easy, but let's face it, it is just that much harder during a time when everyone else is celebrating and enjoying life. I could pray they get the Christmas miracles they want. But, I can't guarantee them. I can guarantee that prayers for them to feel the presence of God will be answered. Because, when a baby was born in a manger and placed in swaddling cloths, God came to be with us! That is what Christmas means to me. He's just here for you....

“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).


Matthew 1:23