Not Me

Last night I was driving home from the grocery store. That's another random fact you can know about me. I like to go grocery shopping late at night after everybody is in bed. I'm anti-social that way. Anyway, I made a turn and my eyes immediately spotted a police officer. My first thought- 'Oh crud.' I don't know why. I wasn't even doing anything wrong. At the exact same moment I thought that a car sped by cutting somebody off. My thought then was, 'Ooooh! Ooooh! Did you see that? Look what he did!"  My next thought was, 'Hello Emily from 2nd grade, when did you join the party?'  Nevermind that I've been driving with an expired license for 5 months (please don't turn me in. Do you know it takes an act of congress to renew your license?) Anyway, isn't it amazing how quickly we can find somebody else's faults and point them out? Whether the 2nd grade tattletale comes out or we "politely" share a prayer request about that person in that bad situation, bless their hearts (In case you don't know, saying "bless their hearts" after talking bad about somebody makes it ok. Or so that's what we think.) there is something so appealing about focusing on other people.

Kids are the experts in this area. In fact, not only can they find the fault in others or place the blame on brothers and sisters, they can pass the buck onto nothingness. Let me explain. Last year my kids were on a kick that everytime I would ask, "WHO DUMPED THE CRACKERS ALL OVER THE FLOOR AND STEPPED ON THEM???" they would answer, "NOT ME!".   "WHO PAINTED THE BEDSPREAD WITH NAIL POLISH????"  "NOT ME!!"  For the record, the "NOT ME" would be repeated 3 times. It got so bad that my Mom actually made a Christmas stocking with NOT ME written on it. We're planning to claim him on our taxes. It's been a big joke around here, but I have to be honest tonight. Lately, I've found myself doing some soul searching and have come to the conclusion that I am as guilty as my kids at claiming "NOT ME!"

It doesn't always come out as that. Sometimes it's more like "At least I'm not that bad" or "I don't do that."  Nevermind the 50 other sins in my life that are equally as grievous to God. This has been a hard lesson for me. We are told that the Lord disciplines those He loves (Proverbs 3:12) and I can't lie, I have felt like a 5 year old sent to my room to think about it. It is often easy to pretend that I am better than I am. I am a preacher's wife for pete's sake. But at the end of the day, I'm just a sinner saved by grace. And man does it seem like I need that grace more and more!  I remember days of feeling proud of myself for going to church, not just on Sunday, but on Wednesday night, too. There are so many areas that were once struggles for me as a Christian that seem like nothing now. But I've always heard that the closer you draw to God the more you begin to see yourself for who you really are. I don't mean that to sound arrogant, like I am just so tight with God. But I have had 17 years of growing and learning and what I'm saying is that He doesn't let me off as easy anymore. He has this way of seeing all of the things that others can't. The selfishness, self-absorption, pride, laziness.....maybe I'll just stop there. Like I said, it's been rough. Because He always loves me right where I am, but He loves me in a way that He can't let me stay there. It's a beautiful kind of love, but it's not an easy one.

There was a day not long after I lost my Dad when I was in the trenches of grieving. It was bad. It hurt bad. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I truly understood the word "grieve". I thought about Ephesians 4:30, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption." It goes on to say, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. "  Those are the things that grieve God. That verse washed over me fresh as I grieved and wondered, "Is this how I make God feel?"

I will tell you right now that I believe in security of the believer. I believe that if you confess your sins and repent of them and profess Jesus as your Lord and Savior that you are secure in your salvation and you will spend eternity in Heaven. I know there are many who have different ideas and opinions and I know there are those who use that security to continue to sin in their life. We will all sin because we are human and fallen, but what changes when we accept the grace that comes from God is that it will break our hearts to break His heart. We can point the finger elsewhere and claim, "Not me!" all we want, but we will not have peace until we make peace with Him.

This is the lesson I'm learning:  "Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else,"  (Galatians 6:4)