Big Enough

I was once told that my vulnerability is what keeps people reading my blog. I still haven't decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing. As I've said many times, I didn't start this whole blog thing with the intention of people reading it. That just kind of happened. And I don't suppose I aimed at being super honest and vulnerable. I guess that just happened, too. The truth is that, in real life, I find it very hard to be vulnerable. I like to be strong, independent, and private. I prefer to be the one others come to with their problems. So in a way, blogging has introduced me to a new side of myself. The side of me that, for some unknown reason, feels comfortable sharing intensely personal and private things with large numbers of people, some who I've never even met. Lately this has become more of an issue for me. For me, this blog has journaled my life over the last several years. Everything from pregnancy to new jobs, family events to vacations, funny stories to my deepest heartache. And yet even in the depths of vulnerability and sincerity that I strive for, of course there are things I don't share. Can't share. Won't share. Aren't my place to share. You may not believe this, as much as I have shared, but I do believe in TMI. That said, this blog tonight might be TMI.

You see, I have often alluded to some health issues I've been having, but I've been leery of actually discussing them. For several reasons. First, I LOATHE feeling pitied and I know that is a natural response most people have. Second, I have only had an official diagnosis for a few months. Third, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Seriously. It's not. But that is exactly what inspired this blog tonight. You see, I've been going to dr.'s for eight years now. Yep, that is right. From the time I had Sarah I have had one issue after another. I've seen specialists. I've had tests and procedures. I've had surgery. I've taken a steady stream of antibiotics. I've had dr.'s treat me like I'm crazy. I've had dr.'s decide I might possibly have a million other things that I don't have. Finally, after 8 years, I've been diagnosed with endometriosis. I will spare y'all the details (it is a girl thing), but finally having a diagnosis has brought both relief and fear. The thing about it is that it is not a serious, life threatening problem, but it is a chronic one with no cure. So, on one hand it has brought some peace that when I'm in pain I have a name for it, and I'm not dying (as I have often convinced myself), but on the other hand, a part of me wonders what this will mean for the future.

I am soooo blessed that I managed to not be affected by the most devastating symptom which is infertility. I cannot tell you how much I praise God for that. I would be tempted to say that this is something that just came up after Kate, but I know my symptoms and that this is something I have dealt with for many years. I have no idea why God chose to be so good to me and spare me that pain, but I will sing His praises all of my days! I've also wondered if that played a role in dr.'s not considering that it could be my problem.

Anyway, even as I'm typing this I am unsure if sharing it is the right thing. The thing is, that this has become such a part of my life that it seems impossible to not share.  Through the years I have struggled with feeling bad and many different symptoms, but over the last year it has begun to affect me to the point that I almost can't function for a week or sometimes more every month. I really struggle with being tired all of the time and have just recently realized the affect that pain has on your body. Not only do I struggle with going to sleep because I'm in pain, but just the exhaustion of my body being in pain. During those times I kind of have a brain fog. In fact, you could probably go back to my blog archives and see certain times when I haven't blogged as much each month. I can't explain it. I just kind of shut down mentally. I feel like that has really affected me socially because sometimes I just feel so out of it. I try to avoid people for fear that I won't be able to follow a conversation or just because I'm too tired to talk.

I promise I do not write this for your pity. I will go soon for a consultation to schedule a procedure that two of my friends have had and had awesome results with. I write this to share some lessons I've learned. I always say that I feel like if there is a trial I am facing it is so I can encourage someone else in their trial. So, tonight I write this for anyone else who is facing a chronic situation, whether it is medical or something else. God is big enough.

A few nights ago I had to cancel something fun we were going to do with the kids because I felt so bad and just had to go to bed. I found myself praying and getting really honest with God. I told Him that I was lonely. That surprised the heck out of me. I cannot begin to tell you how richly blessed I am in friends. I am not in anyway rich financially, but when it comes to family and friends, I am Bill Gate's kind of rich. So, I was truly shocked to realize that deep in my heart, I felt lonely. Only about this. Because it is just one of those things that I feel like people can't really understand as much as they offer their love, support and prayers. I don't have any obvious physical signs that show I'm sick. I can be fine one day and miserable the next. My way of dealing is just to isolate. Well, the very next morning a dear friend of mine who I hadn't talked to in almost a year called me. She had heard about this struggle and had the same procedure that I am planning to have. It was such a relief just to be able to talk to someone who had been there and really understood. I felt like God led her to call me just to let me know I'm not alone.

That led me to understand something even greater about the amazing God I serve. Not only did I have a friend to lean on, but I was reminded that God is big enough. You see, I have hesitated in asking for prayer with this because I think of people I know who are struggling with REAL, serious, life-threatening medical issues. I feel silly. This has really affected my life, but in the big scheme of things it isn't that big of a deal. But that's when I realized how differently I handle things than the God of the universe handles them. When I did my internship in the ER I learned quickly that injuries and illnesses are prioritized. You better bet somebody with chest pain is going in before someone with abdominal pain. And I realize that in some ways that is how I approach life. I have limited time and attention. I have to prioritize the people and needs in my life. But you know what? God doesn't. He is bigger than that. And the same God who cares about starving orphans and solidiers in combat is capable of caring about the health of a stay at home Mom. It is easy to think that God has too much going on to care about such non-issues. But I was reminded of one of my favorite stories and it took on a whole new meaning for me.

40 Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. 41 Then a man named Jairus, a synagogue leader, came and fell at Jesus’ feet, pleading with him to come to his house 42 because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.



As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43 And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,[c] but no one could heal her. 44 She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.






45 “Who touched me?” Jesus asked.






When they all denied it, Peter said, “Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you.”






46 But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”






47 Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48 Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.”

Luke 8:40-47

I've always loved that story and have applied it to many other areas in my life. The idea of just touching the hem of His garment. But now, it's not just the healing or the woman's faith, it is the woman's story. Hard to think that thousands of years ago there was a woman dealing with "girl stuff" and "no one could heal her". She was desperate. In those days ceremonial law dicatated that women were "unclean" when they were bleeding and thus were isolated during that time. Twelve years for this woman. As this old favorite story became new to me, something stood out to me. The fact that she was dealing with more than a medical issue. She was outcast and she was lonely. And in a crowd of people who were equally desperate to see Jesus and may have even had much worse situations and problems, she caught His attention and she felt His healing. And she left in peace.

I have no idea what situation you are facing, whether it is medical, financial, relational, spiritual, or a multitude of hardships. But I do know that no matter how trivial or big it is that God is big enough to bring healing. A fasle gospel of "health, wealth, and happiness" has become big in churches today and it always scares me. It scares me that we would put our hope in those things. Mostly because I know that all 3 of those are temporary and fleeting. But we can put our faith in a God who is always there, even when health, wealth or happiness seem far out of reach.

I would love to join you in praying over a situation in your life that you are trusting God to be big enough. If you don't feel like sharing here, please feel free to e-mail me at emilyfid06@yahoo.com.