Turn, Turn, Turn

I was really hoping for a funny blog today. I definitely had some moments. Like when my dance girls were gathered around me during break fixing my hair. I was sitting  in a plastic chair and they started whispering. I was then informed they could see my booty. As in, it is so big it was sticking out of the back of the chair. Fabulous. That was moments before one of the girls leaned in and whispered, "When they're done with your hair I'm gonna take it down and do something to make it look pretty." As in, it obviously was not at that moment. And wouldn't you know that at that very moment the photographer who did all of the girls dance pictures walked in to get orders! He laughed. He said, "Now there is a picture." Praise the name of Jesus he did not have his camera. All I can say is that it is good my self-esteem was already shot before I hung out with these girls. :) For the record, Josh just ran to Mr. Cheap Butts (have I ever told y'all we live down the street from a place called Mr. Cheap Butts? Eli had to say it and laugh every time we came home for the first couple of months) and while he did bring me a caffeinated diet coke, I DID NOT get a Twix. I ALWAYS get a Twix. Except now. The day after little girls laughed about my booty.

Okay. Enough about my booty. And my junk food habits. And the classy names of our convenience stores. I just feel the need to let you all know that my week has gotten better. MUCH better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And what I mean by all of this is that there are only 2 days of dance camp left. The truth is, I feel like I've just finally adjusted to the schedule. And now it's almost over. Bummer. I truly have fallen in love with all of the girls over the last two weeks. Even the ones that can't keep up with their shoes and don't listen to a dern thing I say. Even the ones who are brutally honest about the size of my backside. I can't help it, I just love 'em. Hopefully they will all sign up for fall classes and I will still get to see them all the time. I will also miss the daily exercise. I'm serious! Now that my body has gotten over the initial message my body sent me "HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We haven't done these things in 11 years and now we're doing them for 8 hours a day? I hate you!!" I am in love again with stretching and leaping and turning and well, just getting off of the couch.

Now that I have assured you that I am fine and life is good, I feel free to tell you that life was not good last week. As if you hadn't gathered that from my previous posts. Well, I can't really say life wasn't good, but I wasn't good. Hormones, grief, new job anxiety, birthday planning and good old fashioned exhaustion clashed in an epic perfect storm that left me....not okay. Irritable. Short. Snippy. Aggitated. Flaky. Unorganized. Selfish. Grumpy. Withdrawn. Mean. Just to name a few.  I don't know about y'all, but I don't like for things to not be okay. I am one of those people who feels the need to go around and make sure people are not upset with me if perhaps they make a face that I deem not okay. I'm one of those people who feels the need to take a public opinion poll before making a decision. I don't like stress, anxiety or conflict of any kind. Not in the world around me and NOT within me. That is the worst to me. Because even I, on some level. have learned that I am not in control of everything around me and I can't make everybody happy and keep everything "okay" all of the time. But, when it comes to my spirit, to what is going on inside of me, I just don't think there is anything worse than not feeling "okay'.

I knew what was going on. I knew that it was the tragic meeting of so much physical and emotional stress and exhaustion. I have no idea why my heart starts grieving the most at times that are just not convenient. I don't know why my body decided to be extremely uncooperative during the time I really needed it to cooperate more than ever. But I knew I was not okay. And I knew I couldn't stay that way.

This is what I'm feeling now. A week, a good night's sleep and a hormonally balanced week later I can see that there are just times when things are not right. Sometimes it's externally, sometimes internally and unfortunately sometimes both. The Book of Ecclesiastes points out that simple fact to us.

1 There is a time for everything,



and a season for every activity under heaven:


2 a time to be born and a time to die,


a time to plant and a time to uproot,


3 a time to kill and a time to heal,


a time to tear down and a time to build,


4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,


a time to mourn and a time to dance,


5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,


a time to embrace and a time to refrain,


6 a time to search and a time to give up,


a time to keep and a time to throw away,


7 a time to tear and a time to mend,


a time to be silent and a time to speak,



8 a time to love and a time to hate,


a time for war and a time for peace.

I don't think any of us would argue that a time to tear, hate, or go to war are ever good things we hope for. I dont' know about y'all but I'm not a fan of the times of searching or weeping and mourning. But, I was reminded by these words that no matter how unpleasant, they have a time and a place in all of our lives. To pretend that they don't is to ignore the very real things we all experience. If there is anything I want people to see in my life I want it to be that I'm real. That I don't believe in God because everything is always great and perfect in my life. Actually, I believe in Him because of all of those times of being torn down, of mourning and weeping and searching that He has carried me through. That He has gently and patiently held me through until I met the seasons of joy, laughter, mending and dancing.
 
Since I'm being honest tonight, I have to tell you that the number one thing that hasn't been okay for me lately is my relationship with God. I have always strived to put Him first and seek Him continually in all that I do. I realize that I've let the many things going on in life pull me in a million different directions that were all away from Him. And I just can never be okay with that.
 
This week we've been teaching the girls about a very important thing in dance. Spotting. Whenever you do turns in dance you have to learn to find one thing to keep your eyes on while you are turning. You stay focused on that one thing as long as possible and then you turn your head as fast as possible when you turn to find that object again. It's been quite a sight. We have girls ages 5-12 and most have never danced. It often looks like the bar has just closed and we have a bunch of drunks wandering around. It is not an easy skill to learn. There are so many things to get distracted by along the way. Some girls do the basic turn, some can go fast, some turn the wrong direction and some of my little bitty girls come up with moves I've never seen. This week my job has been to stand in the corner they are turning to so they can "spot" me. I've found myself jumping up in the air, waving my arms yelling "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" as the girls just wander all over the room.
 
Tonight, I sat in prayer meeting and talked to my Father. And do you know what He said to me? "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" I understood that I've been dizzily spinning trying to do a hundred things without any direction. Lots of them were even good, well intentioned things. But now I know where I failed. I took my eyes off of Him.
 
O soul, are you weary and troubled?



No light in the darkness you see?


There’s light for a look at the Savior,


And life more abundant and free!


Refrain:


Turn your eyes upon Jesus,


Look full in His wonderful face,


And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,


In the light of His glory and grace.


Through death into life everlasting


He passed, and we follow Him there;


O’er us sin no more hath dominion—


For more than conquerors we are!


His Word shall not fail you—He promised;


Believe Him, and all will be well:


Then go to a world that is dying,


His perfect salvation to tell!

Helen H. Lemmel, 1922