I've Seen Better Days

After battling a cold for the last week, Kate just hasn't been herself. Sleep schedule messed up, extra fussy, the whole deal. I noticed Friday that she was walking funny and that she would straighten her legs and hold them tight when I would pick her up. Saturday I realized she had a bad sore on her bottom. I wanted desperately to avoid an ER trip so I decided I would wait until today and make a dr.'s appointment.

After sitting in the waiting room for close to 3 hours, we went back with a nurse only to be told that she would need to go to the ER. I headed back home to get Josh because I was also told I would need his help. I called my Mom and we dropped Sarah and Eli off at some of our curch member's (who also happen to be our next door neighbor's) house until my Mom could get here. We headed for the ER at the super nice, brand new hospital they just built in our area. Really, it opened 2 weeks after we moved here. Apparently word got out that the most accident prone family of people EVER was  moving to town. :)

I had been forewarned that Kate had a boil that would have to be lanced. Meaning, they would have to take a scapel and cut the wound and let it drain. Yes, it was as bad as it sounds. It was a staph infection on her hiney. (That is technical Mom speak there). The nurses, respiratory therapist, and dr. were all excellent. Everyone did great. Except me.

I am usually pretty good with this kind of thing. I've always been able to be strong and hold it together for my little ones. Not tonight. I knew before we got to the hospital that they would sedate her. What I didn't know is that it would only be a partial sedation. She couldn't feel anything and won't remember anything, but her eyes stayed open. That was what was hard for me.

As soon as the nurse told me that her eyes would be open but not aware, a flood of emotions came over me that I was totally unprepared for. Everyone kept reassuring me that she would be fine, and I just couldn't share with anyone or make them understand why that part was so difficult for me.  You see, it was just a little less than five months ago that I was in a hospital room watching my Dad die. His eyes were open, but they were unaware. They didn't look at me, they looked past me. I have never experienced anything so difficult in my life. I can honestly say without hesitation that was the worst part of what we experienced with my Dad. For him to be gone was one thing. For him to still be there, but NOT be there was beyond what my heart could handle.

Josh did know what I was feeling and he finally convinced me to leave the room for a minute. When I came back they put me in a spot to be close to her but not see what was going on. Everyone kept assuring me that she was going to be just fine. That this is very common and they see it all the time. They just didn't get that my tears had more to do with an event that happened six months ago that was not okay and everything was not just fine.

Thankfully tonight, everything was fine. It took Kate longer to wake up from the sedation than I felt comfortable with, but she did. And it was pretty funny when she did. We took her by Burger King to get some chicken nuggets and when I handed her her drink she kept moving it back and forth in front of her face saying, "Nook". (English translation: "Look.") When we got home she wandered around the house swaying and falling down. Then, she laid on the loveseat wearing Eli's sunglasses, playing with her feet and giggling. We made Eli trade beds tonight because we thought it was a bad idea to let little Miss Happy Feet anywhere near the bunkbed.

I am one grateful, relieved Mama tonight. Relieved that everything is over. That Kate seems to be feeling better already. Relived that she recieved such good care. Grateful for family (real and church) who were praying and caring tonight. Grateful for a husband who is always at my side and is strong enough to hold me emotionally and our two year old physically. And I am grateful and relived that the same Jesus who sat in the hospital through the worst week of my life in December, was there again tonight. And His grace is always enough.