Processing

The other day Josh and I were discussing a teenage couple we know and I asked, "Do you remember how it felt to be the age? Do you remember how everything felt?"  I was referring to the intense, powerful emotions (also known as hormones) that make every moment of life feel like a life altering, world coming to an end event. Do you know what I'm talking about? It just seems like you feel things more intensely during that time. Or maybe it was just me. My feelings reigned and they were always clear cut and easy to follow. Happy. Sad. Confused. Excited. Whatever it was, I mostly experienced one at a time and I experienced it with all of my being. Well, things just don't seem to be so clear cut anymore. If you asked me how I was this week I would most likely answer "fine", but I would be thinking, "I feel excited and depressed and overjoyed and lost. I'm at peace and totally stressed out." Hello, my name is Emily and I have multiple personalities.

This week is Spring Break and our Moms have gifted us with two nights of childfree leisure. Josh's Mom picked up the kids Sunday afternoon. Josh and I lived wild by getting fast food and EATING IN THE LIVING ROOM!! Shh....don't tell Kate. She stays in trouble for brining food in the living room. Anyway, we had all day Monday to run errands and just hang out until we met Josh's parents at the ballpark (Josh is playing softball this year) at 8:00 that night. We brought the kids home and put them in bed and turned right around the next day and my Mom came and picked them up. I had dreamt of all kinds of things Josh and I would do like going for a walk on the beach and stuff like that. Instead, I was feeling bad. So, I literally laid on the couch and watched movies. A lot of movies. And, I thought. A lot. It's a problem I have. I do not know how to stop thinking.

This week there has been even more on my mind. The people of Japan. A classmate that was tragically killed by her own father last week. Some friends who are dealing with some tough things. The fact that we just celebrated our one year anniversary here. Last night I was home alone and I realized it may be the first time I've had that much complete and total alone time since we moved. Or maybe since I gave birth for the first time 8 years ago. I don't know. However, it became clear to me that my heart and mind are just in overdrive. As I contemplated the fact that we have been here for a year it is almost too much to wrap my mind around how much has happened in that year. I have felt a fresh wave of grief over the last week or so as well, and it has occurred to me that I'm not sure if I have allowed myself to grieve the way that I need to. I keep thinking about how exciting this time was last year. Everything was new. I was so determined to face every day and live it to the fullest. I really think I did. But now, I find myself asking, "what now?" It was like in my mind I gave myself a year to grieve and expected it to be all better by now. It hit me hard on Christmas Eve. I had done so good and then after all of the presents were put under the tree and the stockings were full, I collapsed on the couch and it hit me. This wouldn't be the only Christmas my Dad would miss. And I realized that in my mind I had been telling myself if I could just survive this last year everything would be okay. Except it's not, because nothing changed after that one year anniversary. I survived, but it's not enough just to survive.

So, this is where I'm at. I'm processing. I'm a slow processor, y'all. Josh can experience something, think about it, talk about it and move on. Me, I have to think about, analyze it, talk about it, pray about it, get someone else's opinion, think about it some more. I have to give it a few months and come back and readress the situation. I have to cry about it, laugh about it, then cry about it again. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could just be one of those "this is how it is, let's move on" kind of people. Not just in grieving my Dad, but in processing many other things that have happened over the last year. It is hard to experience a year that is full of so many good things and explain why it has been so tough. I also have a tendency to be very sensitive to other people's emotions and situations and that adds a whole other level of complexity to my processing.

What's the point of this post? Honestly, I don't know. It's just where I am. I'm at a place where certain things in life are filling me with so much joy I could burst. I'm also at a point where some days are a struggle to see the bigger picture. I'm at a point where I feel like God is doing big things, but I'm still at the point where it hurts. Most importantly, I am at a point where my heart is under construction. God is working hard to pull out some anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy and hurt. He's repairing some damage. He's hammering in some hard lessons and plastering me with His grace. He is patiently renovating my heart and teaching me that what I do for Him is not as important as taking the time to let Him build me into His temple. (1 Corinthians 6:19) He's reminding me to, "Keep your heart with all diligence, For out of it spring the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23.

So, that's where I'm at. Keeping my heart. Processing.

What about you? What helps you deal with and process things in your life?