When I was little I wanted to be a lawyer, a writer, a bus driver, or a back-up dancer for Tina Turner. None of those panned out.
Well, as I got older and began to grow in my faith I had a new dream: to lead women's conferences and speak God's Word to thousands of women. Then I became a Mom and decided that instead I just needed to ATTEND like a thousand conferences and figure out what the heck I was doing.
Well, throughout all my years of dreams (diverse and a little crazy as they might be) there was one constant. I wanted to be a Mom. And not just any Mom. I wanted to be the Mom that all the neighborhood kids wanted to be at my house eating home baked cookies and playing in the backyard. Seems that one of my dreams may be coming true. Our new neighborhood is FULL of kids and they all have felt very welcome to frequent our backyard. In fact, we had my family over for supper the other night and while we sat at the table we watched as 4 or 5 kids we didn't know came in and out of the yard. There were also a couple I had already met. One in particular had shared a picnic lunch with my kids a few days earlier and I learned that he really likes macaroni and cheese. He was positively devastated when I ran out and I told Josh that we would have to keep the pantry stocked from then on. I haven't met his Mom and I'm not trying to pass judgement, but we were told by some of the church members before we came here that many of the kids in this neighborhood come for church on Wednesday night because it is the only hot meal they get other than at school. That makes me sad.
Well, today has been the laziest day I've had in awhile. I started feeling sick a couple of days ago and by today I was at the point of staying in my pj's and praying for my kids to entertain themselves. Josh got a movie for the kids and one for us and we were watching the kid's movie when there was a knock at the door. It was two of the neighborhood boys and Sarah was quick to tell them we were having pizza for supper and they were quick to say they could stay to eat with us. :) It was a frozen pizza in the oven and I wasn't sure if it would be enough for everybody so I threw on a huge pot of mac and cheese. It was a hit. One of the boys commented, "I wanna eat here every night!" For a second my heart did a dip and I thought, "Oh my gosh, they're like the neighborhood dog that Josh fed and then couldn't figure out why we couldn't get him to leave". Then I grinned. The idea that a frozen pizza and some mac and cheese could bring such happiness was a nice one.
As I sat at the table chewing my pizza God began to work in my heart. To show me that this is what He has asked of me right now. You see, with the move I had begun to ask Him to show me where He would have me to serve, what He would have me to do here. In our church and our community. Old dreams of writing and speaking and other things began to take center stage in my mind, but I knew God was telling me that this is my season in my home. Those kids didn't come because me and Josh are cool. They came because of my own children. The season of life when neighborhood boys stop by for mac and cheese is now and it is obvious that some adult attention is very needed in their lives. It is tempting to decide that I don't have time for them. I have my own kids. It is tempting to want to become involved in a more high profile kind of ministry. It's even more tempting to want to find someone else to pawn my own kids off on and sit on the couch and watch a CSI marathon. But right now it is overwhelming my heart that when I prayed for God to show me what to do, He brought opportunity to my door (literally) in two dirty, barefoot boys who like mac and cheese.
I don't know what God has asked of you, but I pray tonight that we wouldn't let the enemy convince us it's not as important as what someone else is doing. I pray that we will be sensitive to exactly where He would have us be and realize that He can do what He pleases, where He pleases, with whom He pleases. As my heart began to ponder bigger, greater things, I discovered that God can do great things in my kitchen. His love is wherever His people are and some times all it takes is a little mac and cheese.
Showing posts with label Spiritual Growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual Growth. Show all posts
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Working It Out
If my blog has given you emotional whiplash from the quick turns from sorrow and grief to silliness and laughter I do apologize. I just try to keep it real, and right now that is really how my moods are swingin'. Imagine how fun it is for my husband and children who get to live with me.
I'm embracing the mood swings though, because as I've shared here, I am good at just not feeling. And that is scary.
So many people have told me that I just have to take this grieving thing one day at a time. Truer words have never been spoken. The night we got home we had to make a trip to Wal-Mart and for some reason I decided I needed a new calendar. Obviously, it was a new year and I really did need a new calendar, but I'm not sure why at that point I was even concerned with it. All it represented were lots and lots of days that would be lived without my Daddy. Other than my sister's due date I didn't really even have anything to put in it. I'm convinced that is how I ended up planning my high school reunion. I got out my calendar last January and decided I needed something to fill the empty boxes in my planner. So, here I was with a new, empty calendar in my purse. Lots of days that would be dealt with one at a time.
It may seem strange to some that I got on my exercising kick at this time in life. It couldn't be any stranger to me. I am terrible with resolutions, and really self-discipline altogether, and I had no hope of even setting goals this year. I am a professional pit dweller, isolator, and pity party throwing fool and I felt that this time in life others would appreciate and even encourage that. But, something happened. That calendar. My main resolution this year was to start taking vitamins. Consistently. So, I wrote it down on my calendar to remind and to be able to mark it off every day. Then, I had the idea that maybe if I wrote the Shred down everyday and I got to put a checkmark by it, then maybe that would motivate me. Because you know, I'm like 10 and will do anything for positive reinforcement. I think I'm going to start putting a sticker next to it. :) But so far, it has worked!
Is this the saddest thing you've ever heard? Maybe it is sad, but for me it's a big deal. I've often shared the story that when my depression was at it's worst in 2002-2003 I made the New Year's Resolution to make up my bed every day. Obviously making up your bed is a good thing, but for me the significance of it was that I had to be OUT of the bed to make it up. It may have seemed small and insignificant to anyone else, but it was huge for me.
The reason I think I have such a hard time with things like this is that I am an instant gratification kind of person. Chores like dishes and bed making get to me because you have to do them ALL THE TIME. Over and over and over and well, you get the point. The whole exercising thing holds the same problem. Why can't I do it like twice a year and be good? Of course, it just doesn't work that way. Well, you can do that, but your body will pay the price. I've had to learn that even if I can lose weight without exercising, it is not necessarily best for my body, as evidenced by the fact that my resting heart rate was about 235 after I finished the Shred for the first time. I'm exaggerating of course (a little bit). Still, wherever this self-discipline has come from that has allowed me to exercise everyday has completely amazed me at how much my body can change in just a short amount of time. And there is nothing magical or surgical about it. I've just had to work my booty off.
This post is actually not about exercise, but about the way God has been speaking to me during this time of grief. Philippians 2:12 says, 12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,
That is what God has been speaking to me about. I've got to work this out. In the same way I have to work my body for fitness or work through the stages of grief (I will post about that later), I have to keep working out my salvation. Now don't read this wrong. I do not believe we can do anything to earn or keep our salvation. Not a thing. You won't meet a girl who basks more in the freedom of Christ and seeks to liberate others from the ball and chain of religion and duty. But, my salvation, my relationship with God, it must continually be worked out. I wish so much I could not struggle with doubts any more. I would give my right arm to not deal with anger or selfishness. But I do. Because, as long as I'm here, it is so I can keep working it out. There is no magical prayer to make me perfect on this earth, there is no Bible study I can complete and be done with my spiritual growth. It's a process. And sometimes it's hard.
This morning Sarah was watching me make omelettes (btw, my Dad made the BEST cheese omelettes and he had just taught me the art in the last six months) and she said that the only thing she is good at making is toast. She lamented that her grits never work out. I had to hide my snicker, because, bless her heart, she gets it honest. She went on to say that she couldn't wait until she was a grown up and could fix anything. I didn't have the heart to break it to her that her Mama has been a grown up (according to the numbers on my birth certificate) for quite a while and it has not been long that I've mastered anything other than toast. When she said that it brought back the childlike idea I too once held. The idea that you magically reach a certain age and know it all and know how to do everything. Do you remember believing that way?
Oh how hard the reality of life. The reality that the only way we learn anything or master anything is through repetitive, hard, back breaking and spirit breaking labor.
As if I weren't sure that God was speaking this to me, Josh had to go and preach about the wise man who built his house on the rock. Matthew 7:24 tells us, Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. He pointed out that we often overlook the most important word in that verse. He BUILT. He didn't move into the house after it was finished and professionally decorated. He built on the rock. The old fashioned, hard working, time consuming way. God asks us to grow our faith the same way. To build it, one back breaking lesson at a time.
I'm embracing the mood swings though, because as I've shared here, I am good at just not feeling. And that is scary.
So many people have told me that I just have to take this grieving thing one day at a time. Truer words have never been spoken. The night we got home we had to make a trip to Wal-Mart and for some reason I decided I needed a new calendar. Obviously, it was a new year and I really did need a new calendar, but I'm not sure why at that point I was even concerned with it. All it represented were lots and lots of days that would be lived without my Daddy. Other than my sister's due date I didn't really even have anything to put in it. I'm convinced that is how I ended up planning my high school reunion. I got out my calendar last January and decided I needed something to fill the empty boxes in my planner. So, here I was with a new, empty calendar in my purse. Lots of days that would be dealt with one at a time.
It may seem strange to some that I got on my exercising kick at this time in life. It couldn't be any stranger to me. I am terrible with resolutions, and really self-discipline altogether, and I had no hope of even setting goals this year. I am a professional pit dweller, isolator, and pity party throwing fool and I felt that this time in life others would appreciate and even encourage that. But, something happened. That calendar. My main resolution this year was to start taking vitamins. Consistently. So, I wrote it down on my calendar to remind and to be able to mark it off every day. Then, I had the idea that maybe if I wrote the Shred down everyday and I got to put a checkmark by it, then maybe that would motivate me. Because you know, I'm like 10 and will do anything for positive reinforcement. I think I'm going to start putting a sticker next to it. :) But so far, it has worked!
Is this the saddest thing you've ever heard? Maybe it is sad, but for me it's a big deal. I've often shared the story that when my depression was at it's worst in 2002-2003 I made the New Year's Resolution to make up my bed every day. Obviously making up your bed is a good thing, but for me the significance of it was that I had to be OUT of the bed to make it up. It may have seemed small and insignificant to anyone else, but it was huge for me.
The reason I think I have such a hard time with things like this is that I am an instant gratification kind of person. Chores like dishes and bed making get to me because you have to do them ALL THE TIME. Over and over and over and well, you get the point. The whole exercising thing holds the same problem. Why can't I do it like twice a year and be good? Of course, it just doesn't work that way. Well, you can do that, but your body will pay the price. I've had to learn that even if I can lose weight without exercising, it is not necessarily best for my body, as evidenced by the fact that my resting heart rate was about 235 after I finished the Shred for the first time. I'm exaggerating of course (a little bit). Still, wherever this self-discipline has come from that has allowed me to exercise everyday has completely amazed me at how much my body can change in just a short amount of time. And there is nothing magical or surgical about it. I've just had to work my booty off.
This post is actually not about exercise, but about the way God has been speaking to me during this time of grief. Philippians 2:12 says, 12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,
That is what God has been speaking to me about. I've got to work this out. In the same way I have to work my body for fitness or work through the stages of grief (I will post about that later), I have to keep working out my salvation. Now don't read this wrong. I do not believe we can do anything to earn or keep our salvation. Not a thing. You won't meet a girl who basks more in the freedom of Christ and seeks to liberate others from the ball and chain of religion and duty. But, my salvation, my relationship with God, it must continually be worked out. I wish so much I could not struggle with doubts any more. I would give my right arm to not deal with anger or selfishness. But I do. Because, as long as I'm here, it is so I can keep working it out. There is no magical prayer to make me perfect on this earth, there is no Bible study I can complete and be done with my spiritual growth. It's a process. And sometimes it's hard.
This morning Sarah was watching me make omelettes (btw, my Dad made the BEST cheese omelettes and he had just taught me the art in the last six months) and she said that the only thing she is good at making is toast. She lamented that her grits never work out. I had to hide my snicker, because, bless her heart, she gets it honest. She went on to say that she couldn't wait until she was a grown up and could fix anything. I didn't have the heart to break it to her that her Mama has been a grown up (according to the numbers on my birth certificate) for quite a while and it has not been long that I've mastered anything other than toast. When she said that it brought back the childlike idea I too once held. The idea that you magically reach a certain age and know it all and know how to do everything. Do you remember believing that way?
Oh how hard the reality of life. The reality that the only way we learn anything or master anything is through repetitive, hard, back breaking and spirit breaking labor.
As if I weren't sure that God was speaking this to me, Josh had to go and preach about the wise man who built his house on the rock. Matthew 7:24 tells us, Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. He pointed out that we often overlook the most important word in that verse. He BUILT. He didn't move into the house after it was finished and professionally decorated. He built on the rock. The old fashioned, hard working, time consuming way. God asks us to grow our faith the same way. To build it, one back breaking lesson at a time.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Freeze Frame
Has anyone ever hurt you before? I mean, said or done something that hurt you so bad it was like they were punching you in the gut? And maybe it happened at a time when you already felt out for the count and so it was more like getting kicked while you were already down?
I recently experienced this and I was tempted to harbor a lot of anger and bitterness about it. A lot of self-pity, a lot of "Why does this always happen to us?" kind of feelings. Okay, I was more than tempted. I did have anger. I did question. I wanted other people to know about this injustice. I really regret that because I just dragged them into my negativity. On top of that I know it made others think badly of the person. The truth is, it would have been one thing if it were someone who consistently hurt my feelings or did me wrong. They're not. In fact it was the person that made the situation that much harder because they were the last person I would have expected it from. To quote the super spiritual Clark Griswold from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", "If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet I couldn't be more surprised." :) It was one of those situations.
The person apologized and things were made right. Except my heart. It still wanted to feel angry, hurt and mistreated. Of course, God never lets me get away with that. The more I thought about it the more I felt like He began to bring certain experiences from my life to mind. Things I've said, fits I've thrown, bad decisions from years ago. And I felt like He was asking me, "What if this moment was in a freeze frame and it was all people knew about you?" *Shudder* Have you been there? Do you have those moments in your life? I wanted to get on my knees and beg, "NO! Not that time! Not that moment! Not those words! Anything but THAT time!"
Fortunately, I don't have to beg. I've already been forgiven and those sins wiped away. "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace." Ephesians 1:7 It is tempting to find security in that forgiveness and forget that it is not only offered to me. One of my favorite stories is in John chapter 8. It is about a woman who was physically caught in the act of adultery. In those days the law said that she should be stoned. The "religious" people came to Jesus and asked what he thought they should do. He answered, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first."
Many times we use that story to justify our own sin. To tell people they shouldn't judge us. This story is a different ballgame when we are the ones who have been wronged and realize that we have no stone to throw. My heart was hurt by someone who said something most likely out of their own hurt or just not thinking. I wish I could feel justified in saying that I have NEVER said something I later regretted. I wish....but I can't. I'm just thankful for second chances. And third, and fourth, and fifth...
I recently experienced this and I was tempted to harbor a lot of anger and bitterness about it. A lot of self-pity, a lot of "Why does this always happen to us?" kind of feelings. Okay, I was more than tempted. I did have anger. I did question. I wanted other people to know about this injustice. I really regret that because I just dragged them into my negativity. On top of that I know it made others think badly of the person. The truth is, it would have been one thing if it were someone who consistently hurt my feelings or did me wrong. They're not. In fact it was the person that made the situation that much harder because they were the last person I would have expected it from. To quote the super spiritual Clark Griswold from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", "If I woke up tomorrow morning with my head sewn to the carpet I couldn't be more surprised." :) It was one of those situations.
The person apologized and things were made right. Except my heart. It still wanted to feel angry, hurt and mistreated. Of course, God never lets me get away with that. The more I thought about it the more I felt like He began to bring certain experiences from my life to mind. Things I've said, fits I've thrown, bad decisions from years ago. And I felt like He was asking me, "What if this moment was in a freeze frame and it was all people knew about you?" *Shudder* Have you been there? Do you have those moments in your life? I wanted to get on my knees and beg, "NO! Not that time! Not that moment! Not those words! Anything but THAT time!"
Fortunately, I don't have to beg. I've already been forgiven and those sins wiped away. "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace." Ephesians 1:7 It is tempting to find security in that forgiveness and forget that it is not only offered to me. One of my favorite stories is in John chapter 8. It is about a woman who was physically caught in the act of adultery. In those days the law said that she should be stoned. The "religious" people came to Jesus and asked what he thought they should do. He answered, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first."
Many times we use that story to justify our own sin. To tell people they shouldn't judge us. This story is a different ballgame when we are the ones who have been wronged and realize that we have no stone to throw. My heart was hurt by someone who said something most likely out of their own hurt or just not thinking. I wish I could feel justified in saying that I have NEVER said something I later regretted. I wish....but I can't. I'm just thankful for second chances. And third, and fourth, and fifth...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
A New Thing
Last January I wrote a blog and talked about a verse we had claimed for the year. Here is what I wrote: "Josh has claimed Isaiah 43 for our church this year and I am claiming it for myself. Isaiah 43:18 says, "Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing." I love that! Don't you? In this chapter God goes on and on about the things He will do for His people, the things only He can do. So, I've decided this year I want to forget the former things and get ready for the new! The things only God can do. I think losing weight and keeping my house organized seem like the most impossible tasks known to mankind. But God said, "I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19 So, I've decided not only can I keep my resolutions with God's help, I'm going to expect more. Weight loss and clean floors will pale in comparison with the changes that I'm expecting God to make in my heart and mind. He can do that!"
I had NO idea the new things in store for 2009. My Mamaw lost her house (the house she had lived in for over 40 years, the house I grew up visiting every summer and for holidays) and everything she owned to a fire. Josh lost his hospice job in April and we spent 6 months learning to live on half our income. And then, yesterday, I buried my Daddy. He passed away on Christmas day very unexpectedly. As I read that post from last year I couldn't help but tell God, "This was not what I thought you meant by new things! These were not the new things I was anticipating!" I'm not gonna lie. I would like to say GOOD RIDDANCE to 2009. See ya! Good-bye! Adios! Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out!!! That's how I feel right now. My grief is so fresh and so raw that I completely lack the ability to even pretend I'm okay. One moment I experience a peace I have never known and the next my heart hurts so bad I feel like I could just crawl in a ditch and stay there forever.
I wish I could say that because I'm a believer, or even better, the preacher's wife, that I am immune to pain and suffering. That I have been a rock of strength and faith over the last few weeks (and really, the last year)handling the trouble that has come our way with grace and dignity. Maybe I have at times. But there have also been many tears, fits and times when I've told God, "I don't get it." I still don't get a lot of things. There are certain situations and experiences that have happened over the last year that I can look back on and see a purpose. And there are still a lot of unknowns.
As much as I wish I could pretend much of 2009 never happened, I know that to erase this last year from existence would also mean erasing so many of the precious memories it holds. My sister in law's wedding. My nephew's first birthday party. T-ball season. Sarah's first dance recital. Going with my mom and dad to get ice cream for our birthdays. Making Eli's rocket cake. Taking the kids to the battleship in Mobile. Mine and Josh's honeymoon in the mountains. In addition to the memories, I know the most important part of 2009 are the lessons learned and the changes in my heart. This was one of those years that changes you. For better or worse it changes you. How I pray that it has changed me for the better. I asked God to do new things in my heart, I just didn't know how painful some of those changes would be.
I didn't know that Josh would have to lose his job for me to learn a greater dependence on His provision. I didn't know that my Mamaw would have to lose her house for Him to teach me that there is NOTHING on this earth that is secure or will always be there. I didn't know that I would have to experience so much heartache for Him to teach me how to minister to others through the way that they ministered to me. I didn't know I would have to lose my Daddy to appreciate my family and be bonded with them in a way I never knew was possible.
I want to wish you a Happy 2010. I want to hope for you happiness, love and health. But, I have come to learn that those things mean nothing when we don't really appreciate them. I also know it is unrealistic to expect a year free of trouble. We are promised troubles on this earth. So, it is my prayer that whatever you face this year, good and bad, you will allow God to use it to do a new thing in your heart. Even if it hurts...
I had NO idea the new things in store for 2009. My Mamaw lost her house (the house she had lived in for over 40 years, the house I grew up visiting every summer and for holidays) and everything she owned to a fire. Josh lost his hospice job in April and we spent 6 months learning to live on half our income. And then, yesterday, I buried my Daddy. He passed away on Christmas day very unexpectedly. As I read that post from last year I couldn't help but tell God, "This was not what I thought you meant by new things! These were not the new things I was anticipating!" I'm not gonna lie. I would like to say GOOD RIDDANCE to 2009. See ya! Good-bye! Adios! Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out!!! That's how I feel right now. My grief is so fresh and so raw that I completely lack the ability to even pretend I'm okay. One moment I experience a peace I have never known and the next my heart hurts so bad I feel like I could just crawl in a ditch and stay there forever.
I wish I could say that because I'm a believer, or even better, the preacher's wife, that I am immune to pain and suffering. That I have been a rock of strength and faith over the last few weeks (and really, the last year)handling the trouble that has come our way with grace and dignity. Maybe I have at times. But there have also been many tears, fits and times when I've told God, "I don't get it." I still don't get a lot of things. There are certain situations and experiences that have happened over the last year that I can look back on and see a purpose. And there are still a lot of unknowns.
As much as I wish I could pretend much of 2009 never happened, I know that to erase this last year from existence would also mean erasing so many of the precious memories it holds. My sister in law's wedding. My nephew's first birthday party. T-ball season. Sarah's first dance recital. Going with my mom and dad to get ice cream for our birthdays. Making Eli's rocket cake. Taking the kids to the battleship in Mobile. Mine and Josh's honeymoon in the mountains. In addition to the memories, I know the most important part of 2009 are the lessons learned and the changes in my heart. This was one of those years that changes you. For better or worse it changes you. How I pray that it has changed me for the better. I asked God to do new things in my heart, I just didn't know how painful some of those changes would be.
I didn't know that Josh would have to lose his job for me to learn a greater dependence on His provision. I didn't know that my Mamaw would have to lose her house for Him to teach me that there is NOTHING on this earth that is secure or will always be there. I didn't know that I would have to experience so much heartache for Him to teach me how to minister to others through the way that they ministered to me. I didn't know I would have to lose my Daddy to appreciate my family and be bonded with them in a way I never knew was possible.
I want to wish you a Happy 2010. I want to hope for you happiness, love and health. But, I have come to learn that those things mean nothing when we don't really appreciate them. I also know it is unrealistic to expect a year free of trouble. We are promised troubles on this earth. So, it is my prayer that whatever you face this year, good and bad, you will allow God to use it to do a new thing in your heart. Even if it hurts...
Saturday, December 5, 2009
A Very Special Baby
*This was originally posted on this day in 2007. Here is what my baby Kate looked like then, and following is the lesson she taught me that Christmas....Well, it's done. The Christmas decorations are up. I know, I should sound more excited, but I have to tell you, getting them up was not exactly the experience I had in mind. First of all, we moved the week before Christmas last year and apparently I was so sick of packing and unpacking that I just randomly threw my decorations into the laundry room in any crack or crevice they would fit in. This meant digging through those boxes and boxes of random stuff we never unpacked after our move.
Every year I have visions of holiday music playing, cookies baking, and my family dressed in Christmas sweaters as we decorate the tree. Isn't that sweet? Well, in reality Josh was drugged (legally) playing PS2 on the couch, the kids were running around half naked breaking every decoration I've been given in my entire life, supper was burning on the stove and I was in the laundry room screaming as I was attacked by wooden deer falling out of boxes onto my head. It was a special time.
However, before the chaos I had to rearrange the living room to make a place in front of a window for the tree. I had everything situated and then I looked at the place that was supposed to be for the tree. In the rearranging I had moved the bassinette and it was sitting where the tree would go. For some reason that moment struck me. I thought about putting the bassinette together all by myself at 8 months pregnant because I was so excited I just couldn't wait for Josh to come home. I remembered how for a few weeks it sat empty in the living room waiting for Baby Kate. And then, it made me think about this season we are celebrating and how it never really was about Christmas trees, cookies or spending too much money. It's about a baby.
I have to say that there is nothing in the world that compares with the excitement and anticipation of waiting for a baby. Having recently had Kate and finding out that I am an Aunt-to-be (just call me aunty em!) I know that no other event equals the anticipation of wondering what the baby will look like or the eagerness of dressing the baby in all of the clothes that have been waiting for months.
I thought how Mary didn't have any of those preparations done and I wonder if her nesting instinct was driving her crazy as she was stuck on a donkey traveling to another land. Did it bother her that she didn't have the perfect outfit for her baby boy? I doubt it. I'm sure her mind was filled with much more serious questions. How do you raise the Son of God? The messiah who has been anticipated not for 9 months, but since the beginning of time!
I know, only my mind could wander that far from rearranging the living room. But I'm so glad God gave me that moment. I pray that this holiday season as the busyness takes over that He will continue to fill my heart with thoughts of the Baby Jesus who would grow up to be my Savior! I pray that we will all feel an even greater rush of excitement over the baby who the prophet said, "Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,' which is translated, 'God is with us." (Matthew 1:23) That baby came to be God with us!!! To experience and feel everything that we feel and experience. To enable us to say, "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was at all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:14)
What a very special baby!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thankful
After a record month of blogging (btw, did you know that November is National Blogging Month? Now you do!) I have hit a dry spell, a writer's block, a complete loss of motivation. Whatever you want to call it. But alas, I am tired of my latest blog being a post about my hormones. :)
As Thanksgiving approaches I thought it would seem very ungrateful of me to not share the many, many things I am thankful for. Such as, I am thankful that we are going to Mamaw's tomorrow and my only time in the kitchen will be making a cake. Is that bad?
Seriously though, this year of 2009 has been one that has been full of super highs and devastating lows. Thinking back I realize that you can never really term a year "good" or "bad". There are just too many ups AND downs for it to be one or the other. Some of the lows have included my Mamaw losing her house and everything she owns to a fire, Josh losing his job last March, and some health problems experienced by family members.
But this year also saw the beginning of the Fidler Academy of Higher Learning as I began homeschooling. Josh and I finally got to take our honeymoon and it was worth the wait! My sister and her family moved back to the south from Alaska and we are looking forward to a new addition to the family. Um, to THEIR family. :) Which makes it even more exciting for me that I will soon have a baby to rock and cuddle and play with and yet I will have no financial or sleep deprivation responsibilities whatsoever! Josh's sister got married and we added Brad to the family. He quickly moved them off to Italy and I am living vicariously through their pictures. Perhaps the most exciting news for me in 2009 was that my firstborn asked Jesus into her heart and was baptized. See, I knew I needed to write this out because really, there was nothing that could have happened this year that could take the joy away from that event!
The day in, day out routine of life can sure drain the joy and peace from us. As the holidays approach I know that it is easy for anxiety to take over as plans and expenses become overwhelming. The thing that I am MOST thankful for (apart from my salvation, my amazing husband, wonderful children, loving family and awesome friends) is the way that God has used the last year of my life to speak through everyday life. I consider myself homeschooled. God has taken me on an intense spiritual journey by route of the mundane, ordinary and routine. He has used heartbreak and questioning to bring me to a greater trust in Him and He has peppered my life with just the right amount of exciting and happy events to get me through the grind of everyday life. He has met me right where I was whether it be in the laundry room, a hospital room sitting with a loved one, or at Wal-Mart.
Tomorrow my husband will have the day off from his job that he was rehired to just a little over a month ago. Just at the exact same time his unemployment was running out. And we will travel to Mamaw's to share Thanksgiving in her new home full of new things. I am so appreciative of that job and those new things for Mamaw, but I pray that more than anything my heart will remember to be thankful not just for those things, but for the God who provided them and the lessons learned in the days of waiting and seeking.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE FIDLER 5!!!!!!!!!!
What are you thankful for this year?
As Thanksgiving approaches I thought it would seem very ungrateful of me to not share the many, many things I am thankful for. Such as, I am thankful that we are going to Mamaw's tomorrow and my only time in the kitchen will be making a cake. Is that bad?
Seriously though, this year of 2009 has been one that has been full of super highs and devastating lows. Thinking back I realize that you can never really term a year "good" or "bad". There are just too many ups AND downs for it to be one or the other. Some of the lows have included my Mamaw losing her house and everything she owns to a fire, Josh losing his job last March, and some health problems experienced by family members.
But this year also saw the beginning of the Fidler Academy of Higher Learning as I began homeschooling. Josh and I finally got to take our honeymoon and it was worth the wait! My sister and her family moved back to the south from Alaska and we are looking forward to a new addition to the family. Um, to THEIR family. :) Which makes it even more exciting for me that I will soon have a baby to rock and cuddle and play with and yet I will have no financial or sleep deprivation responsibilities whatsoever! Josh's sister got married and we added Brad to the family. He quickly moved them off to Italy and I am living vicariously through their pictures. Perhaps the most exciting news for me in 2009 was that my firstborn asked Jesus into her heart and was baptized. See, I knew I needed to write this out because really, there was nothing that could have happened this year that could take the joy away from that event!
The day in, day out routine of life can sure drain the joy and peace from us. As the holidays approach I know that it is easy for anxiety to take over as plans and expenses become overwhelming. The thing that I am MOST thankful for (apart from my salvation, my amazing husband, wonderful children, loving family and awesome friends) is the way that God has used the last year of my life to speak through everyday life. I consider myself homeschooled. God has taken me on an intense spiritual journey by route of the mundane, ordinary and routine. He has used heartbreak and questioning to bring me to a greater trust in Him and He has peppered my life with just the right amount of exciting and happy events to get me through the grind of everyday life. He has met me right where I was whether it be in the laundry room, a hospital room sitting with a loved one, or at Wal-Mart.
Tomorrow my husband will have the day off from his job that he was rehired to just a little over a month ago. Just at the exact same time his unemployment was running out. And we will travel to Mamaw's to share Thanksgiving in her new home full of new things. I am so appreciative of that job and those new things for Mamaw, but I pray that more than anything my heart will remember to be thankful not just for those things, but for the God who provided them and the lessons learned in the days of waiting and seeking.
"It is good to give thanks to the LORD,
And to sing praises to Your name,
O Most High;
To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning,
And Your faithfulness every night."
Psalm 92:1
And to sing praises to Your name,
O Most High;
To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning,
And Your faithfulness every night."
Psalm 92:1
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE FIDLER 5!!!!!!!!!!
What are you thankful for this year?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Just Give It Away
I decided when I was in college that I needed to write a musical based on my life. There just always seemed to be the perfect song that would fill the musical backdrop of the story of my life. Of course, in a musical of my life there would definitely be a troupe of dancers dancing out scenes rather than acting them. I can hardly watch High School Musical without a surge of bitterness that I did not attend a high school where everyone wore coordinating outfits and burst into song and dance at basketball games and in the cafeteria. Seriously, was that too much to ask for?
Well, that bitterness is what I am thinking about today. And toys. And George Strait. I don't know, y'all, if you can figure my brain out please let me know. Anyway, I have experienced a lack of motivation this week that should be illegal for a homeschooling mom of 3. At one point I was concerned Josh might call my parents for a conference and tell them "She has lots of potential, she just isn't applying herself." He hasn't, but I woke up today determined that I would find me some motivation. I decided to tackle the playroom. Mercy. I don't know what else to say.
I already have two huge bags full of just garbage to throw out and another bag full of stuff to give away. I noticed a pattern as I began to clean, and that is a lot of baskets and storage containers. You see that is always my plan of attack. When I get serious about cleaning I decide I need to buy lots of containers to store things in. Which would be awesome if my kids would ever catch on to the idea of putting all the Barbie stuff in it's designated box and the cars in their box, and so on and so forth. But they don't. They prefer strategically leaving trails of random toys....well everywhere.
My children seem to have become aware that they just have too. much. stuff. Yesterday, Sarah made 24 (for real) signs to put around our neighborhood that say "Toys for sale." This brings to mind the time that Sarah, Eli and their friend Jacey came up with the idea of selling flowers on the side of the road. Not a bad idea considering we live across the street from the cemetery. However, we do not exactly live in the most population dense place if you know what I am saying. In fact, the kids ended up selling some flowers to one of our church members and they were flowers that he planted!!!!!!!
Well, I have been trying to decide if I want to have a yard sale sometime soon. I guess the kids are just giving their super unmotivated mom a little push. However, after about 20 minutes in the playroom sorting and tossing I came to the conclusion that I just want it gone! I don't want to sort it, price it, tote it, advertise it and try to sell it. I just want it gone!
That brings me back to bitterness and George Strait. This morning God got on to me bright and early. I mean didn't even let me get a Diet Coke first. I started thinking about my attitude about some things and how if so and so had to go through this or if so and so had experienced that they would have the same attitude I do. WHEW!! Let me tell you, my Father was not happy about it. He made it known that the little attitude I was sportin' is called bitterness and that it does not belong in a child of His.
Cleaning that playroom I thought about all those storage containers and how I have my own storage containers in my heart. I tuck away hurts, frustrations, and disappointments. I think I've dealt with them until something comes into my life and stirs it all up the same way 3 kids trash a playroom in a matter of minutes. Like the playroom floor my thoughts and actions get cluttered and I can't see through all of the junk that should have been thrown out a long time ago.
George Strait came on the radio today singing "Give It Away". Just give it away. As he says, "There ain't nothin' in this house worth fightin' over". There isn't an ounce of bitterness I'm justified in hanging on to. It is definitely not worth hanging onto. In the same way that my kids can't appreciate the new things they get because they get tossed in with all of the junk, I can't experience the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control my Father gives when my heart is too crowded with past hurts and bitterness.
Time to make room. Time to give some toys away. Time to give some hurts to the Healer.
Well, that bitterness is what I am thinking about today. And toys. And George Strait. I don't know, y'all, if you can figure my brain out please let me know. Anyway, I have experienced a lack of motivation this week that should be illegal for a homeschooling mom of 3. At one point I was concerned Josh might call my parents for a conference and tell them "She has lots of potential, she just isn't applying herself." He hasn't, but I woke up today determined that I would find me some motivation. I decided to tackle the playroom. Mercy. I don't know what else to say.
I already have two huge bags full of just garbage to throw out and another bag full of stuff to give away. I noticed a pattern as I began to clean, and that is a lot of baskets and storage containers. You see that is always my plan of attack. When I get serious about cleaning I decide I need to buy lots of containers to store things in. Which would be awesome if my kids would ever catch on to the idea of putting all the Barbie stuff in it's designated box and the cars in their box, and so on and so forth. But they don't. They prefer strategically leaving trails of random toys....well everywhere.
My children seem to have become aware that they just have too. much. stuff. Yesterday, Sarah made 24 (for real) signs to put around our neighborhood that say "Toys for sale." This brings to mind the time that Sarah, Eli and their friend Jacey came up with the idea of selling flowers on the side of the road. Not a bad idea considering we live across the street from the cemetery. However, we do not exactly live in the most population dense place if you know what I am saying. In fact, the kids ended up selling some flowers to one of our church members and they were flowers that he planted!!!!!!!
Well, I have been trying to decide if I want to have a yard sale sometime soon. I guess the kids are just giving their super unmotivated mom a little push. However, after about 20 minutes in the playroom sorting and tossing I came to the conclusion that I just want it gone! I don't want to sort it, price it, tote it, advertise it and try to sell it. I just want it gone!That brings me back to bitterness and George Strait. This morning God got on to me bright and early. I mean didn't even let me get a Diet Coke first. I started thinking about my attitude about some things and how if so and so had to go through this or if so and so had experienced that they would have the same attitude I do. WHEW!! Let me tell you, my Father was not happy about it. He made it known that the little attitude I was sportin' is called bitterness and that it does not belong in a child of His.
Cleaning that playroom I thought about all those storage containers and how I have my own storage containers in my heart. I tuck away hurts, frustrations, and disappointments. I think I've dealt with them until something comes into my life and stirs it all up the same way 3 kids trash a playroom in a matter of minutes. Like the playroom floor my thoughts and actions get cluttered and I can't see through all of the junk that should have been thrown out a long time ago.
George Strait came on the radio today singing "Give It Away". Just give it away. As he says, "There ain't nothin' in this house worth fightin' over". There isn't an ounce of bitterness I'm justified in hanging on to. It is definitely not worth hanging onto. In the same way that my kids can't appreciate the new things they get because they get tossed in with all of the junk, I can't experience the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control my Father gives when my heart is too crowded with past hurts and bitterness.
Time to make room. Time to give some toys away. Time to give some hurts to the Healer.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Robbed
A few days ago I was cleaning the kitchen and Eli asked me, "How come no robbers ever come to our house?" The part of this question that got me was that he seemed genuinely disappointed that no robbers had been to our house. He had been watching Dennis the Menace's cool attack on some robbers and I guess he wanted the same opportunity. I had to laugh and assure him it was a good thing that we haven't had any robbers stop by. I also had to laugh at the idea that we own anything that people would be willing to risk their freedom and safety to break in and steal. Remember, we can't have nice things.
I thought about it some more and felt like God began showing me the things in my home that are of real value. And they are things that can't be stolen. At least not by robbers. Our health, our joy, our love. I felt very secure in those things and then the more I thought about them the more I realized there is an even greater enemy who wants to steal those precious things. And there is only one true Source of security. John 10:10 tells us, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
There are so many things I have tried to place my security in. My family, my reputation, my friends, my material possessions. Regardless of how good any of those are, they all have failed. I've lost loved ones, just as we all will. I've moved and left behind the security of familiar places and faces. Friendships change. My material possessions-again, I have 3 kids. I've totally given up on having anything valuable for the next, oh 35 years. :) I've learned that my only true security is in Jesus Christ and the promise He gave me that I "may have life and have it more abundantly." I know that this promise is one that will be kept, as I have accepted His offer for eternal life. I also know that the abundant life He promised will have it's challenges here on this earth.
Sometimes it hits me that I am the preacher's wife and there are people who assume I have it all together. Just for the record, I don't. To be completely honest, I don't know that I have ever struggled as much spiritually as I have since becoming the preacher's wife. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it is an extremely important role. At times I don't take it as seriously as I should and God does not let me get away with it for long. When you ask Him to show you who you really are and the changes that need to take place in your life, be ready!
I am uncovering those things that rob me. Not of crystal vases or our awesome DVD collection. :) Those things that rob me of love, joy, peace, purpose, and faithfulness. Here is what I am learning.
1. Doubt-The enemy loves nothing more than to sneak in and plant doubts. Tiny doubts. Nothing big that would make you think it's totally crazy. Little doubts. "Does God really care about this? About me?" "Is serving Him really worth it?"
2. Comparison-There is no way to feel secure when you constantly compare yourself to other people. I speak from great experience here. There is no way to feel joy or peace when you are constantly striving to be someone you are not created to be. You definitely cannot fulfill your purpose if you are striving to be someone else instead of striving to be who God wants you to be.
3. Discontentment-This is a tricky one. There are times we should be discontent. With ourselves, with certain situations and circumstances. If there are changes that can be made, maybe it means you are supposed to make them. But, there are always those things in our lives that do not offer an alternative route. There are places, physically and spiritually, that God doesn't want you to find your way out of. There is a time of growing that can only happen in that space you are trying to wiggle out of. (BTW, I am pretty sure that my heavenly nickname is Wiggle Worm.)
4. Fear- I know so many church leaders who use fear as a motivator and it makes me LIVID! Let's face it, it is easier to scare people than to give God time to work on their hearts and change them right? I am not a fan of fear, but I am a participator in it's practice. Some fear is natural. Much of it is taught. Children don't know to be afraid of strangers until we teach them to be. Like discontentment, we have to learn to put fear in it's place. I used to think the only thing I was afraid of was snakes. I went to a Beth Moore conference and she had us make a list of things we feared. I ended up spending days on that list. I realized there was so much fear inside of me. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing others, fear of not being good enough. I could go on and on. Has fear robbed you of any of the blessings God has put in your life?
5. Busyness-I have always been busy. As far back as I can remember I liked to be going. I was in dance, girl scouts, played ball. I don't know how my Mama kept her head on straight getting me to all of those places all of the time. I stayed busy until I got into college. Then, I stopped. Like for real, did nothing other than what was absolutely required of me. That was because I was depressed and a lot of that had to do with years of busyness. You see, I think it is good to be involved and to be active. It's definitely not good to drop out of life. But I had to learn balance. It was one thing to be busy as a little girl who wanted to do what her friends were doing. It became something else when being busy was a way to not deal with real life. It is hard in our world today to not be busy. I can always tell when I've gotten too busy because I start feeling robbed. My peace and joy turn into exhaustion and frustration. Instead of feeling self-controlled I feel out of control. I usually don't even realize I've been too busy until life settles down and I'm alone crying about something that happened two weeks or two years ago. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." This is God's way of saying "Don't panic! I'm still God, I'm still in control." When we can't be still because it is too hard or painful to think, we've been robbed of knowing God is still in control.
There is no security in this world. None. There is war, death, kidnappings, financial ruins, and political unrest all around us. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but we can't hold hands and sing Kum Ba Ya and get out of this mess. Some people find it hard to believe in a God who would allow these things to exist. I am the opposite. If all of these things are happening, I can't make it without knowing there is a God! This is security:
"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10
I thought about it some more and felt like God began showing me the things in my home that are of real value. And they are things that can't be stolen. At least not by robbers. Our health, our joy, our love. I felt very secure in those things and then the more I thought about them the more I realized there is an even greater enemy who wants to steal those precious things. And there is only one true Source of security. John 10:10 tells us, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."
There are so many things I have tried to place my security in. My family, my reputation, my friends, my material possessions. Regardless of how good any of those are, they all have failed. I've lost loved ones, just as we all will. I've moved and left behind the security of familiar places and faces. Friendships change. My material possessions-again, I have 3 kids. I've totally given up on having anything valuable for the next, oh 35 years. :) I've learned that my only true security is in Jesus Christ and the promise He gave me that I "may have life and have it more abundantly." I know that this promise is one that will be kept, as I have accepted His offer for eternal life. I also know that the abundant life He promised will have it's challenges here on this earth.
Sometimes it hits me that I am the preacher's wife and there are people who assume I have it all together. Just for the record, I don't. To be completely honest, I don't know that I have ever struggled as much spiritually as I have since becoming the preacher's wife. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it is an extremely important role. At times I don't take it as seriously as I should and God does not let me get away with it for long. When you ask Him to show you who you really are and the changes that need to take place in your life, be ready!
I am uncovering those things that rob me. Not of crystal vases or our awesome DVD collection. :) Those things that rob me of love, joy, peace, purpose, and faithfulness. Here is what I am learning.
1. Doubt-The enemy loves nothing more than to sneak in and plant doubts. Tiny doubts. Nothing big that would make you think it's totally crazy. Little doubts. "Does God really care about this? About me?" "Is serving Him really worth it?"
2. Comparison-There is no way to feel secure when you constantly compare yourself to other people. I speak from great experience here. There is no way to feel joy or peace when you are constantly striving to be someone you are not created to be. You definitely cannot fulfill your purpose if you are striving to be someone else instead of striving to be who God wants you to be.
3. Discontentment-This is a tricky one. There are times we should be discontent. With ourselves, with certain situations and circumstances. If there are changes that can be made, maybe it means you are supposed to make them. But, there are always those things in our lives that do not offer an alternative route. There are places, physically and spiritually, that God doesn't want you to find your way out of. There is a time of growing that can only happen in that space you are trying to wiggle out of. (BTW, I am pretty sure that my heavenly nickname is Wiggle Worm.)
4. Fear- I know so many church leaders who use fear as a motivator and it makes me LIVID! Let's face it, it is easier to scare people than to give God time to work on their hearts and change them right? I am not a fan of fear, but I am a participator in it's practice. Some fear is natural. Much of it is taught. Children don't know to be afraid of strangers until we teach them to be. Like discontentment, we have to learn to put fear in it's place. I used to think the only thing I was afraid of was snakes. I went to a Beth Moore conference and she had us make a list of things we feared. I ended up spending days on that list. I realized there was so much fear inside of me. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing others, fear of not being good enough. I could go on and on. Has fear robbed you of any of the blessings God has put in your life?
5. Busyness-I have always been busy. As far back as I can remember I liked to be going. I was in dance, girl scouts, played ball. I don't know how my Mama kept her head on straight getting me to all of those places all of the time. I stayed busy until I got into college. Then, I stopped. Like for real, did nothing other than what was absolutely required of me. That was because I was depressed and a lot of that had to do with years of busyness. You see, I think it is good to be involved and to be active. It's definitely not good to drop out of life. But I had to learn balance. It was one thing to be busy as a little girl who wanted to do what her friends were doing. It became something else when being busy was a way to not deal with real life. It is hard in our world today to not be busy. I can always tell when I've gotten too busy because I start feeling robbed. My peace and joy turn into exhaustion and frustration. Instead of feeling self-controlled I feel out of control. I usually don't even realize I've been too busy until life settles down and I'm alone crying about something that happened two weeks or two years ago. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." This is God's way of saying "Don't panic! I'm still God, I'm still in control." When we can't be still because it is too hard or painful to think, we've been robbed of knowing God is still in control.
There is no security in this world. None. There is war, death, kidnappings, financial ruins, and political unrest all around us. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but we can't hold hands and sing Kum Ba Ya and get out of this mess. Some people find it hard to believe in a God who would allow these things to exist. I am the opposite. If all of these things are happening, I can't make it without knowing there is a God! This is security:
"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10
Monday, October 19, 2009
I'm Glad I've Got a Map!!!!!!!
This is a picture my SIL Leah took in her new home, Italy.
I immediately asked if I could borrow it because honestly, it expresses how I feel more eloquently than a dictionary full of words ever could.
I am at this moment feeling a bit overwhlemed by some different decisions that need to be made. A little like approaching these signs and having to make a split second decision would make me feel. I am remembering these Words:
"When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."
~Psalm 61:2
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye."
~Psalm 32:8
Thursday, October 15, 2009
He Knows
"I have a lot of hair, don't I?" Sarah asked the question as I helped her take the barrette out of her silky, blonde hair that is so different from mine. It is true, no one in our family is lacking in the hair department.
"That's how God made it, huh?"
"Yes." I answered.
"And He knows how many hairs are on my head, doesn't He?
"He does. Who taught you that?"
"You did. In our class."
I wanted to share this for every mama who spends 95% of her life wiping counters, changing diapers, and threatening to throw away everything your child owns if they don't clean their room. They do listen. They do remember. And it makes a difference.
"That's how God made it, huh?"
"Yes." I answered.
"And He knows how many hairs are on my head, doesn't He?
"He does. Who taught you that?"
"You did. In our class."
I wanted to share this for every mama who spends 95% of her life wiping counters, changing diapers, and threatening to throw away everything your child owns if they don't clean their room. They do listen. They do remember. And it makes a difference.
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
I have recently found myself struggling with the idea that the God of the universe is concerned over the details of my life. I don't know why I've started struggling with this. He has been such a huge part of all of the details of my life. I am thankful at this time that I have the faith of a 7 year old to remind me. To remind me that He sees, He knows, He cares. It blows my mind. The fact that such a huge God would choose to be so intimate with me is sometimes more than I can wrap my mind around.
For those of you reading this who have chosen to be a true follower of Jesus I want to encourage you. Those of you who have given up homes, careers, dreams and social status, He knows. For those of you who have suffered sickness, despair and broken hearts, He knows. When you wonder if it makes a difference, He knows.
He knows the number of hairs on your head.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
You Can Turn Off the Windshield Wipers Now
I burnt the blueberry muffins I was making for lunch (seriously, for lunch)and have thrown 3 loads of clean clothes on my bed to be folded. I think it is safe to say I have fulfilled my domestic duties for the day. :) I believe that means it is time to blog.
I have to tell you that my mind has been a jumbled mess of mixed emotions and scattered thoughts. I've had so many things that I've wanted to blog about, but I have seriously lacked the ability to focus my brain in one direction. We'll see how this turns out....
I am often overwhelmed by the contrast of seriousness and silliness in life. In a matter of seconds life has the ability to sucker punch you in the gut with issues so deep they can break your heart. In two more seconds life can create a situation that leads to belly laughing until you are doubled over crying. And alas, there are the times when autopilot takes over and we float through our days just praying for as little interference as possible.
I don't know if you have gathered this about me, but I am a people person. Not in a need to be around people all of the time way. More in a I just love people and I love analyzing people kind of way. I mentioned in my post about the Kirby guy that I become very emotionally attached to people. It is true. And as you might imagine, sometimes that attachment hurts. It is hard to love people. I mean to really, truly invest your heart in their lives kind of way love people.
When I started my social work program I cannot tell you how many people told me I couldn't let myself get too involved with people or care too much. Obviously, others realized this is an issue for me. :) I understood where they were coming from and I did have to learn to distance myself from those I worked with. But I always found myself wondering, how do you not care? And why the heck would you do this job if you didn't? Oh yea, must be for all money and glory. :)
Unfortunately, I have experienced a time when I didn't care. I often allude to the depression I struggled with and that was a time when I stopped caring. About anything. Like people or bathing or really, anything. I was numb. The only emotion I ever seemed capable of was anger and I realize now it became my defense mechanism. It was so much easier to get angry about things than to actually deal with them. Much easier to be angry with people from the get go before I could invest in them and then be let down.
I still remember the moment after God healed my depression that I knew Emily was back. Josh and I had gone to a movie on a date night. We only had Sarah then and lived where we had 3 sets of grandparents! Can you imagine? Well anyway, I have no idea what movie we went to see, the only thing I remember is being moved to tears. And not by the movie. At the theatre there were two little girls who I assumed were sisters. One of the girls was mentally challenged and it literally moved me to tears watching the other little girl take such good care of her and show her such kindness. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was huge for me. The numb was gone. The feelings were back.
In case you're wondering where all of this is coming from (because really who knows where all of this stuff I write comes from?) I was reminded this last weekend about that time in my life. I was having a conversation with a couple of girls and they began sharing their hearts. Sharing that they struggled with trusting others, sharing their hearts, and investing in people. One said that she was scared her son would be too trusting and get hurt. Despite the fact that I say whatever I think on this blog, in real life I am much slower to tell people what I really think. But I couldn't let that comment go. I went through too much to not share what I learned on that subject.
I had to tell her that as tough and scary and heartbreaking as it is, we can't teach our children not to love because of fear. It is not fair to hand down our issues to our kids or our friends. It's not even fair to ourselves to let past hurts keep us from trusting and loving again. I have been so blessed with an amazing husband, awesome friends and a wonderful family. That doesn't mean that I haven't been hurt along the way.
It is the big joke in my life that I formed the Singles Anonymous Club(SAC) in high school. I was the president. Mostly because I was the only one of my friends who ever stayed single long enough to hold that position. :) Do you know what is so funny? Every Wednesday we would meet at Arby's for our SAC meetings and do you know who would often be just a few booths over chowing down? Joshua Fidler. Isn't it ironic, dontcha think? It is so funny to me now to think about how determined I was to stay angry and bitter and independant because boys had broken my heart. But it is not funny to me to think about what I would have missed out on if I had never let myself get over that.
I was driving one day and it was STORMING! I had the windshield wipers going as fast as they could. I was getting on the interstate in Mobile and for this little country girl that is big city driving. Anyway, I was concentrating so much on getting on to the interstate without getting run over by a mac truck that it was several minutes before I realized that it had stopped raining but my windshield wipers were still going full speed ahead. For some reason when it occured to me that I should turn them off it also occured to me that we often have many defense mechanisms we create during storms that we forget to turn off. Grief we never deal with. Hurts we never forgive. Sometimes it happens so slowly and quietly we don't even know it. We slowly become a little more distrustful. We quietly overcompensate for our insecurities.
I take God's Word very seriously. I believe Him when He says He came to give us life more abundantly. (John 10:10). And I believe Him when He says in 1 John 4:18 (New International Version)
18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
No fear in love. Not in God's love. We can turn off the windshield wipers. We're safe with Him.
I have to tell you that my mind has been a jumbled mess of mixed emotions and scattered thoughts. I've had so many things that I've wanted to blog about, but I have seriously lacked the ability to focus my brain in one direction. We'll see how this turns out....
I am often overwhelmed by the contrast of seriousness and silliness in life. In a matter of seconds life has the ability to sucker punch you in the gut with issues so deep they can break your heart. In two more seconds life can create a situation that leads to belly laughing until you are doubled over crying. And alas, there are the times when autopilot takes over and we float through our days just praying for as little interference as possible.
I don't know if you have gathered this about me, but I am a people person. Not in a need to be around people all of the time way. More in a I just love people and I love analyzing people kind of way. I mentioned in my post about the Kirby guy that I become very emotionally attached to people. It is true. And as you might imagine, sometimes that attachment hurts. It is hard to love people. I mean to really, truly invest your heart in their lives kind of way love people.
When I started my social work program I cannot tell you how many people told me I couldn't let myself get too involved with people or care too much. Obviously, others realized this is an issue for me. :) I understood where they were coming from and I did have to learn to distance myself from those I worked with. But I always found myself wondering, how do you not care? And why the heck would you do this job if you didn't? Oh yea, must be for all money and glory. :)
Unfortunately, I have experienced a time when I didn't care. I often allude to the depression I struggled with and that was a time when I stopped caring. About anything. Like people or bathing or really, anything. I was numb. The only emotion I ever seemed capable of was anger and I realize now it became my defense mechanism. It was so much easier to get angry about things than to actually deal with them. Much easier to be angry with people from the get go before I could invest in them and then be let down.
I still remember the moment after God healed my depression that I knew Emily was back. Josh and I had gone to a movie on a date night. We only had Sarah then and lived where we had 3 sets of grandparents! Can you imagine? Well anyway, I have no idea what movie we went to see, the only thing I remember is being moved to tears. And not by the movie. At the theatre there were two little girls who I assumed were sisters. One of the girls was mentally challenged and it literally moved me to tears watching the other little girl take such good care of her and show her such kindness. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but it was huge for me. The numb was gone. The feelings were back.
In case you're wondering where all of this is coming from (because really who knows where all of this stuff I write comes from?) I was reminded this last weekend about that time in my life. I was having a conversation with a couple of girls and they began sharing their hearts. Sharing that they struggled with trusting others, sharing their hearts, and investing in people. One said that she was scared her son would be too trusting and get hurt. Despite the fact that I say whatever I think on this blog, in real life I am much slower to tell people what I really think. But I couldn't let that comment go. I went through too much to not share what I learned on that subject.
I had to tell her that as tough and scary and heartbreaking as it is, we can't teach our children not to love because of fear. It is not fair to hand down our issues to our kids or our friends. It's not even fair to ourselves to let past hurts keep us from trusting and loving again. I have been so blessed with an amazing husband, awesome friends and a wonderful family. That doesn't mean that I haven't been hurt along the way.
It is the big joke in my life that I formed the Singles Anonymous Club(SAC) in high school. I was the president. Mostly because I was the only one of my friends who ever stayed single long enough to hold that position. :) Do you know what is so funny? Every Wednesday we would meet at Arby's for our SAC meetings and do you know who would often be just a few booths over chowing down? Joshua Fidler. Isn't it ironic, dontcha think? It is so funny to me now to think about how determined I was to stay angry and bitter and independant because boys had broken my heart. But it is not funny to me to think about what I would have missed out on if I had never let myself get over that.
I was driving one day and it was STORMING! I had the windshield wipers going as fast as they could. I was getting on the interstate in Mobile and for this little country girl that is big city driving. Anyway, I was concentrating so much on getting on to the interstate without getting run over by a mac truck that it was several minutes before I realized that it had stopped raining but my windshield wipers were still going full speed ahead. For some reason when it occured to me that I should turn them off it also occured to me that we often have many defense mechanisms we create during storms that we forget to turn off. Grief we never deal with. Hurts we never forgive. Sometimes it happens so slowly and quietly we don't even know it. We slowly become a little more distrustful. We quietly overcompensate for our insecurities.
I take God's Word very seriously. I believe Him when He says He came to give us life more abundantly. (John 10:10). And I believe Him when He says in 1 John 4:18 (New International Version)
18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
No fear in love. Not in God's love. We can turn off the windshield wipers. We're safe with Him.
Monday, May 18, 2009
New Life Lessons
Can I be honest with you? I am going through a rough season right now. Not a bad season, or a sad season. I've had those. But what I'm talking about here, is a season of learning. Do you also find learning rough? I don't know about you, but as much as I love to know new things I don't find the learning part very appealing. At points it seems fun and challenging. But then, it just gets hard. I feel like Sarah working on her worksheets as she asks me, "I already know this. Why do I have to keep doing the same thing over and over?"
I want to share with you the lesson I'm having to work on. I don't know if you are in the same boat. Maybe you have already mastered this one and if so God bless you! This is the lesson of selfless service. I wish so much that I was one of those people who can work and give and do for others and be totally content to serve no matter how appreciated (or unappreciated) they are. I know it is so easy for me to look at other people around me and start the pity parties of why am I the only one? Or doesn't anybody care? It's so humiliating to even admit. But as hard as I was trying to have a pity party recently God was working even harder on my heart. I wanted to just wallow in my self-pity and tell God the problems with everybody else. He wouldn't let me. Instead His Word kept playing through my mind like a CD set on replay.
I want to share with you the lesson I'm having to work on. I don't know if you are in the same boat. Maybe you have already mastered this one and if so God bless you! This is the lesson of selfless service. I wish so much that I was one of those people who can work and give and do for others and be totally content to serve no matter how appreciated (or unappreciated) they are. I know it is so easy for me to look at other people around me and start the pity parties of why am I the only one? Or doesn't anybody care? It's so humiliating to even admit. But as hard as I was trying to have a pity party recently God was working even harder on my heart. I wanted to just wallow in my self-pity and tell God the problems with everybody else. He wouldn't let me. Instead His Word kept playing through my mind like a CD set on replay.
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
~Philippians 2:3-4
I pray that these verses might encourage you this week. If you too are a follower of Christ then you know that this is the battle we fight. Everything in our human nature tells us to be ambitious, to put ourselves ahead of others. Trust me, the instruction of these verses does not come naturally to me. But because I am a Christ follower I desperately want them to.
I challenge you as I am challenging myself this week. What can we do to make life easier for others? How can we serve those around us? My goal is when I start feeling sorry for myself to pray and ask God to show me someone who could really use my prayers or words of encouragement. When I start feeling too busy I want to use that to think of what I would want someone to do to help me out and then offer that assistance to someone else.
As a Christian sometimes it is so easy to take for granted the blessings we recieve. It is easy to hoard the love that God has shown us. The truth is that those blessings and that love grow in us when we share them with others. How I pray that this week the Father would keep teaching me this hard lesson. I pray that I would follow God's leading in the same way Sarah follows me from the kitchen watching me cook to the bedroom watching me put on my jewelry. That I can learn from the best example, the one Christ set.
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God
something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death-
even death on a cross!"
~Philippians 2:5-8
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Cooking by Picture
I had a hallelujah moment tonight. I found a recipe here and I actually had all of the ingredients I needed! I couldn't believe it. And not only did I have all of the ingredients, but the recipe was actually shown step by step with pictures. How awesome is that? I remember when I first got married someone telling me that if you could read you could cook. So, I took that very literally. I did not fix anything unless I had the recipe right in front of me and had every ingredient measured to the perfect proportion. Thankfully, I have grown in my cooking skills and I now have my own recipes that I use a "little of this" and a "lot of that". I don't always need the recipe to spell it out for me. But I gotta say, it was nice to cook by picture tonight. Kind of like painting by numbers. (I stink at that by the way:)
As I was thinking about my excitement over this recipe (really, when did recipes become exciting to me?), I began to ponder some things I've been dealing with. Don't you wish sometimes that life came with a picture book detailing every step you should take? Of course now we live in a time when we do have books for just about everything imaginable. And luckily they have a whole series designated to teaching us dummies how to do everything from turn on a computer to how to speak Swahili. :)
As I've shared, Josh and I are at a waiting point. A seeking point. Not sure is a difficult location to hang out at. I know that on some level we all struggle with the questions "What am I supposed to do?" "Where do I go?" "What is the plan?" Apparently God has not chosen to give us the details of this specific plan right now, but 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, "Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ." No matter what earthly, geographic location God may lead us to, He is always directing our hearts to grow in love and patience and to know His love and patience. He may not be giving us step by step directions for our life right now, but the picture is clear to me!
As I was thinking about my excitement over this recipe (really, when did recipes become exciting to me?), I began to ponder some things I've been dealing with. Don't you wish sometimes that life came with a picture book detailing every step you should take? Of course now we live in a time when we do have books for just about everything imaginable. And luckily they have a whole series designated to teaching us dummies how to do everything from turn on a computer to how to speak Swahili. :)
As I've shared, Josh and I are at a waiting point. A seeking point. Not sure is a difficult location to hang out at. I know that on some level we all struggle with the questions "What am I supposed to do?" "Where do I go?" "What is the plan?" Apparently God has not chosen to give us the details of this specific plan right now, but 2 Thessalonians 3:5 says, "Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ." No matter what earthly, geographic location God may lead us to, He is always directing our hearts to grow in love and patience and to know His love and patience. He may not be giving us step by step directions for our life right now, but the picture is clear to me!
Friday, April 24, 2009
A Divinely Ordained Wait...
Waiting comes as naturally to me as breathing under water. Sometimes I feel that I have come such a long way in the area of patience, and then at other times I realize my progress is as slow as one of those turtles who gets to the middle of the road and has to hang out there because there are too many cars coming. Two weeks ago I had taken the kids to see the Easter bunny and when we got home Josh was upset. I can count on one hand the times I've seen him really upset or worried (as opposed to my quadruple weekly breakdowns). He had just found out that he had been laid off from his job with hospice. His job that provides our insurance and half of our income. I have to admit that it came as a shock to us. We knew that the numbers had been down at his office, but we didn't realize layoffs were coming.
I will be honest in saying that we are not sure what this means for us. We've been told that they are working on getting the numbers back up and he may have his job back in a few weeks. There is no guarantee in that and honestly we're just praying to know God's plan in all of it. I will not pretend that I have not had moments of stress or asking why. I'll be honest and tell you that it hurt my feelings a little bit because I feel like Josh and I have tried to be obedient in the things God has called us to do. On my way home that day I had actually started thinking about how confident I was in God leading me to quit my job to be at home. This situation brings up all kinds of questions. But let me tell you what I know. God is faithful. Let me tell you how I know this. Experience.
God's Word tells us He is faithful. In our hymns we sing "Great is thy Faithfulness". But I KNOW God is faithful because He has shown Himself faithful in our life. Some of you have been reading my blog since I started it in 2006. Can you believe I've been blogging that long? A lot of life sure has happened in those years! Anyway, I looked back in the archives and found my very first blog. It was written about this time of year in 2006. God had just called us to Mississippi but we had no jobs, no church. Seems to be a pattern! I wanted to share that blog with you and hope that just as that time began an amazing journey fashioned by God, that you will be joining us now as God is "doing a new thing". (Isaiah 43:18) I would also like to take this time to humbly and submissively remind Josh that he did pray for God to do a new thing this year! :)
May 27, 2006
"Remember, God purposes every second of a divinely ordained wait to build us into the individuals our future demands we be. One most peculiar and exquisite experience of the faith is realizing that while you haven't seen answers or the way you should take, you have learned how to see the light of God Himself. Right there in the blindness of your circumstance."
My friend Karen shared this quote with me from a Beth Moore study she is doing right now. It is very encouraging to me as I am in a definite waiting period. Right now Josh and I feel God leading us to Meridian and we feel we are supposed to go in August but neither of us have jobs, we can't really look for a place to live until we have jobs, and I have to get licensed in Mississippi and actually finish my degree before I can get a job. So, this is the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken. Josh and I have coined a new term- "peacefully stressed". Although I feel completely overwhelmed by the lack of concrete answers I've also never had such a peace about anything. I know that through the lack of mine and Josh's plans we will get to see God's plan in a way we never have before. I just pray that I will be faithful in seeing Him all the way.
I've claimed this verse:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10
I will be honest in saying that we are not sure what this means for us. We've been told that they are working on getting the numbers back up and he may have his job back in a few weeks. There is no guarantee in that and honestly we're just praying to know God's plan in all of it. I will not pretend that I have not had moments of stress or asking why. I'll be honest and tell you that it hurt my feelings a little bit because I feel like Josh and I have tried to be obedient in the things God has called us to do. On my way home that day I had actually started thinking about how confident I was in God leading me to quit my job to be at home. This situation brings up all kinds of questions. But let me tell you what I know. God is faithful. Let me tell you how I know this. Experience.
God's Word tells us He is faithful. In our hymns we sing "Great is thy Faithfulness". But I KNOW God is faithful because He has shown Himself faithful in our life. Some of you have been reading my blog since I started it in 2006. Can you believe I've been blogging that long? A lot of life sure has happened in those years! Anyway, I looked back in the archives and found my very first blog. It was written about this time of year in 2006. God had just called us to Mississippi but we had no jobs, no church. Seems to be a pattern! I wanted to share that blog with you and hope that just as that time began an amazing journey fashioned by God, that you will be joining us now as God is "doing a new thing". (Isaiah 43:18) I would also like to take this time to humbly and submissively remind Josh that he did pray for God to do a new thing this year! :)
May 27, 2006
"Remember, God purposes every second of a divinely ordained wait to build us into the individuals our future demands we be. One most peculiar and exquisite experience of the faith is realizing that while you haven't seen answers or the way you should take, you have learned how to see the light of God Himself. Right there in the blindness of your circumstance."
My friend Karen shared this quote with me from a Beth Moore study she is doing right now. It is very encouraging to me as I am in a definite waiting period. Right now Josh and I feel God leading us to Meridian and we feel we are supposed to go in August but neither of us have jobs, we can't really look for a place to live until we have jobs, and I have to get licensed in Mississippi and actually finish my degree before I can get a job. So, this is the biggest leap of faith I've ever taken. Josh and I have coined a new term- "peacefully stressed". Although I feel completely overwhelmed by the lack of concrete answers I've also never had such a peace about anything. I know that through the lack of mine and Josh's plans we will get to see God's plan in a way we never have before. I just pray that I will be faithful in seeing Him all the way.
I've claimed this verse:
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:8-10
Friday, April 10, 2009
She Did the Best She Could...
In case I haven't mentioned it, we live across the street from the cemetary. What can I say? It is one of the perks of being the preacher's family and living in the pastorium. It seems to weird some people out, but I have to tell you they haven't bothered us one bit! I guess we can blame the fear everyone has of dead people on those trashy horror movies, but really, I have found that it is the living people we always seem to have trouble with. Have you noticed that? You never hear about a dead person holding up a gas station or causing a school shooting do you? Just a thought.
So, we are fine with our neighbors. In fact, I don't even have blinds on our dining room window that faces the cemetary. As we dine and enjoy each other's company we overlook the cemetary. The honest truth is that I just don't think about it that much. One day a grave digging crew was over there and they were blasting some rap music. It was at that point that I told Josh I was going to give him a playlist of music I want the grave diggers to play when it's my turn. Not that I will be there or know anything about it, but if the whole neighborhood is going to have to listen to it I want it to be something I would approve of!
Well, I have seriously gotten off subject ( I know you are wondering what my subject was in the first place!), so I will tell you why I am discussing graves. Today is Good Friday. It is the day that Christians remember Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross. It is always a hard day for me. There is so much excitement around the resurrection Sunday (as there should be!), but sometimes I feel that this day gets overlooked. I think about the cemetary for two reasons today. One, today was the day my Savior died and didn't even have a tomb to be buried in. And two, I am reminded of one of the headstones my mother in law discovered while touring the Montrose cemetary. It was an old headstone of a woman that said, "SHE DID THE BEST SHE COULD". We had a good laugh about it. Especially after we figured out she was a preacher's wife! We joked that the it should have also included "WITH WHAT SHE HAD TO WORK WITH". How I can relate. I spend so many days feeling like I've done the best I can and it is still so far from the best that was needed.
I don't know if you have gathered this from me, but I am pretty hard on myself. I expect a lot. When I was working I did not understand why I couldn't spend quality time with all 40 of my patients, have my paperwork done perfectly, keep my house immaculate, throw lavish dinner parties, train my children in the way they should go, and give my husband my full attention when we finally had a moment of peace together. Now that I'm at home I still can't keep my house immaculate, I feel totally intimidated by other homeschooling parents who have rigorous schedules and impressive projects, and I still don't make time to minister to our church members the way I should. Those are just all of my physical shortcomings. When you add my laziness, short temper, critical spirit, and a whole host of other sins I fight with constantly, it is so easy to feel like I'm really not even doing the best I can. I know I constantly wonder, 'When will I be good enough?'
Can I share something with you? I won't be. Not on this earth. I wish desperately that I could head over to that graveyard right this second and dig a hole to bury all of my faults, sins, and problems. Then I could proudly display a sign that said "NOW SHE'S GOT IT ALL TOGETHER!" Of course, I can't do that. At least not physically. But spiritually, I already have. You see, if we are believers who have accepted Jesus into our hearts we have to understand that is what our baptism represented. That is what this day represents.
Josh was working on a sermon a few weeks ago and asked me what I thought it meant when Jesus said "It is finished!"
(John 19:30). John McArthur notes in his study Bible that "The single Greek word here (translated "it is finished") has been found in the papyri being placed on receipts for taxes meaning "paid in full" (see Colossians 3:13-14)". PAID IN FULL. I have to tell you that this girl with student loan debt would literally jump and do cartwheels if I received a letter saying that debt was PAID IN FULL!!!!!!! Can you imagine? But that is exactly what Jesus did for us spiritually. He paid the debt that our sin created.
We celebrate life in our society. Well, I hope that we still do. In any case, very rarely do you see someone celebrate death. It is scary, painful, unknown. But today, I celebrate this death. This death that gave us life. I stand in awe of the love my savior had for me that He would die on a cross, so that my sins would die with him. You see, He knew that no matter how much I did the best that I could that it would never be good enough. When He said "It is finished!" what it meant to me is that my struggle is finished. My victory is won. I am no longer a slave to my sin. I am no longer a victim of death. In Christ I live!!!!
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been unified together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 6:4-11
So, we are fine with our neighbors. In fact, I don't even have blinds on our dining room window that faces the cemetary. As we dine and enjoy each other's company we overlook the cemetary. The honest truth is that I just don't think about it that much. One day a grave digging crew was over there and they were blasting some rap music. It was at that point that I told Josh I was going to give him a playlist of music I want the grave diggers to play when it's my turn. Not that I will be there or know anything about it, but if the whole neighborhood is going to have to listen to it I want it to be something I would approve of!
Well, I have seriously gotten off subject ( I know you are wondering what my subject was in the first place!), so I will tell you why I am discussing graves. Today is Good Friday. It is the day that Christians remember Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross. It is always a hard day for me. There is so much excitement around the resurrection Sunday (as there should be!), but sometimes I feel that this day gets overlooked. I think about the cemetary for two reasons today. One, today was the day my Savior died and didn't even have a tomb to be buried in. And two, I am reminded of one of the headstones my mother in law discovered while touring the Montrose cemetary. It was an old headstone of a woman that said, "SHE DID THE BEST SHE COULD". We had a good laugh about it. Especially after we figured out she was a preacher's wife! We joked that the it should have also included "WITH WHAT SHE HAD TO WORK WITH". How I can relate. I spend so many days feeling like I've done the best I can and it is still so far from the best that was needed.
I don't know if you have gathered this from me, but I am pretty hard on myself. I expect a lot. When I was working I did not understand why I couldn't spend quality time with all 40 of my patients, have my paperwork done perfectly, keep my house immaculate, throw lavish dinner parties, train my children in the way they should go, and give my husband my full attention when we finally had a moment of peace together. Now that I'm at home I still can't keep my house immaculate, I feel totally intimidated by other homeschooling parents who have rigorous schedules and impressive projects, and I still don't make time to minister to our church members the way I should. Those are just all of my physical shortcomings. When you add my laziness, short temper, critical spirit, and a whole host of other sins I fight with constantly, it is so easy to feel like I'm really not even doing the best I can. I know I constantly wonder, 'When will I be good enough?'
Can I share something with you? I won't be. Not on this earth. I wish desperately that I could head over to that graveyard right this second and dig a hole to bury all of my faults, sins, and problems. Then I could proudly display a sign that said "NOW SHE'S GOT IT ALL TOGETHER!" Of course, I can't do that. At least not physically. But spiritually, I already have. You see, if we are believers who have accepted Jesus into our hearts we have to understand that is what our baptism represented. That is what this day represents.
Josh was working on a sermon a few weeks ago and asked me what I thought it meant when Jesus said "It is finished!"
(John 19:30). John McArthur notes in his study Bible that "The single Greek word here (translated "it is finished") has been found in the papyri being placed on receipts for taxes meaning "paid in full" (see Colossians 3:13-14)". PAID IN FULL. I have to tell you that this girl with student loan debt would literally jump and do cartwheels if I received a letter saying that debt was PAID IN FULL!!!!!!! Can you imagine? But that is exactly what Jesus did for us spiritually. He paid the debt that our sin created.
We celebrate life in our society. Well, I hope that we still do. In any case, very rarely do you see someone celebrate death. It is scary, painful, unknown. But today, I celebrate this death. This death that gave us life. I stand in awe of the love my savior had for me that He would die on a cross, so that my sins would die with him. You see, He knew that no matter how much I did the best that I could that it would never be good enough. When He said "It is finished!" what it meant to me is that my struggle is finished. My victory is won. I am no longer a slave to my sin. I am no longer a victim of death. In Christ I live!!!!
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life. For if we have been unified together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection, knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin. For he who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with Him, knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, dies no more. Death no longer has dominion over Him. For the death that He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life that He lives, He lives to God. Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 6:4-11
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Pardon My Progress...
I earnestly seek God and seek to know Him and know all that I can about the relationship I have with Him that has defined my life. I want desperately to speak intelligently and persuasively about my views and to have a firm hold on the theological concepts that shape my faith. I strive to live a life that exemplifies those beliefs. But...despite the fact that I have been growing in my faith for 15 years, sometimes I realize that there is still so much to learn and so many ways to grow. In fact, the more I grow the more I see just how much I don't know. I stand in awe of those people who have it "all together" and seem to never waiver in their life.
The other night I had just put the kids to bed and was doing some picking up and I started hearing a tapping sound on the window. There was a time that would scare me, but now when I finally get the kids to bed and have a moment of peace it really just started annoying me! I pulled back the curtain and there were two insects banging themselves into the window. Josh and I couldn't figure out at first what they were. I had never seen anything like it. It had wings, but it's body was so funny looking. I thought that when we got right up to the window they would go flying off. But they didn't. They just kept hitting the glass. Finally after a few minutes of observation I realized that they were butterflies that were trying to get out of their cocoons! They literally were still in the cocoon except for their wings! I had never seen such a thing. We got a front row seat to these butterflies entrance into the world as their new creation and it wasn't pretty!
I have to admit it was kind of funny and kind of sad. I wanted desperately to make them understand that our window was not going to move no matter how many times they threw themselves into it. I wondered how long it was going to take them to figure it out on their own.
Well, I have to admit that watching them clumsily make their way into the world as butterflies made me think about myself. I ,too, often feel rather clumsy and awkward as I continue to change into the new creation God wants me to be. When I first started living my life according to God's Word I had someone share this verse with me. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17. I remind myself of this verse often when I have days that I feel like I'm stuck in my cocoon. Those butterflies made me realize that turning into a new creation is not an easy, seamless process. It takes work. And sometimes it feels like you're banging yourself into a wall! But...I am willing to bet that those butterflies who were once prisoners to the ground are now very glad for the wings that give them so much freedom.
That is what I have found in Christ. Freedom. I haven't figured out all of the answers and I know that I will continue to learn new things and be changed everyday. So, please pardon my progress as I work my way out of this cocoon!!!
The other night I had just put the kids to bed and was doing some picking up and I started hearing a tapping sound on the window. There was a time that would scare me, but now when I finally get the kids to bed and have a moment of peace it really just started annoying me! I pulled back the curtain and there were two insects banging themselves into the window. Josh and I couldn't figure out at first what they were. I had never seen anything like it. It had wings, but it's body was so funny looking. I thought that when we got right up to the window they would go flying off. But they didn't. They just kept hitting the glass. Finally after a few minutes of observation I realized that they were butterflies that were trying to get out of their cocoons! They literally were still in the cocoon except for their wings! I had never seen such a thing. We got a front row seat to these butterflies entrance into the world as their new creation and it wasn't pretty!
I have to admit it was kind of funny and kind of sad. I wanted desperately to make them understand that our window was not going to move no matter how many times they threw themselves into it. I wondered how long it was going to take them to figure it out on their own.
Well, I have to admit that watching them clumsily make their way into the world as butterflies made me think about myself. I ,too, often feel rather clumsy and awkward as I continue to change into the new creation God wants me to be. When I first started living my life according to God's Word I had someone share this verse with me. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17. I remind myself of this verse often when I have days that I feel like I'm stuck in my cocoon. Those butterflies made me realize that turning into a new creation is not an easy, seamless process. It takes work. And sometimes it feels like you're banging yourself into a wall! But...I am willing to bet that those butterflies who were once prisoners to the ground are now very glad for the wings that give them so much freedom.
That is what I have found in Christ. Freedom. I haven't figured out all of the answers and I know that I will continue to learn new things and be changed everyday. So, please pardon my progress as I work my way out of this cocoon!!!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Counting Down the Days
I've had lots of fun and silliness in my life lately. But, I've also been wrestling with some serious things that I just felt I needed to share.
We're getting ready for our honeymoon! Yay! Josh had just started a new job when we got married and so he couldn't take any time off for a honeymoon. Of course, we didn't care, we were content to finally just get to be together all the time. (Well, except for those pesky work hours. :) ) Anyway, we will be married 8 years in June and we just haven't stopped having babies or moving long enough to get one! We've decided it is time! The excitement in our house is uncontainable. The kids are equally excited because they get to go to Panama City and see the grandparents which equals a week of fun and getting whatever they want!
All of this excitement takes place in 15 days!!!! I know this because the other day I bought little calendars for Sarah and Eli to mark the days instead of asking me 85 times a day when they're going to Panama City! Sarah is such a planner. I promise she is going to be some kind of event coordinator when she grows up. She LIVES for parties and social occassions and she wants to have a plan and discuss it frequently. She did not get this quality from me as I am the worst planner known to mankind, but I have learned to appreciate and am looking forward to her planning our social events when she is old enough! So, the calendar has been right up her alley. She's gone through all of the months and recorded birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We've marked off all of the days from this month that have passed.
Now I get to the serious part that has been on my heart. While I love being excited and looking forward to things to come, I realized how much God has changed me in the last year and a half. You see, my life changed forever on August 28, 2007. At least the way I view the days of my life. That was the day that Baby Kate decided to make her entrance into the world and she was determined to give me all of the drama that my other two birth stories were lacking. She came 4 weeks early, on a day Josh was at school in Jackson (broke down on the side of the road by the way), and unlike my first two babies the epidural did not work. It was also my longest labor which I totally did not expect because these things are supposesd to get faster!
Well, nothing went as planned that day. I suffered from postpartum hemmorage, a very rare complication, and my uterus did not contract back the way it should. I began losing a lot of blood. I thought I was just really tired from labor, but I was also really out of it. Right before the nurse figured out what was going on a nursery nurse came in to tell me that they had taken Kate to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) because her breathing was too rapid. I was already so out of it that I didn't really comprehend what they were telling me. Josh had left to go get the kids and bring them back to the hospital, but my friend Karen had just showed up. She got there just in time for all of the action! Bless her heart, you just don't know what I have put that girl through in our friendship!
I'll save the details, mostly because I was too out of it to remember them! But here is why I share this story. Life could have taken a vary drastic turn for me that day. I really didn't realize how bad the situation was until a couple of months later talking to Karen. Thankfully she understands my need to discuss and analyze and relive things until I can make peace with them. She was in the room when the nurse (who happened to be her aunt!) called the dr. My dr. said that he would be there in 10 minutes and she told him he did not have 10 minutes!! I still praise God for the amazing, experienced nurses I had that day. Karen also said that her aunt who was my nurse told her later that she didn't know how close she came to losing her friend. If I didn't appreciate how much God is in control it would still scare me to think about that day.
That night I wasn't able to see Kate because I wasn't allowed out of bed and Kate had to stay in the NICU. Fortunately, everything turned out just fine with Kate and she is one happy, healthy baby now! I was afraid she would be spoiled rotten from having so much attention from the awesome NICU nurses, but she wasn't!
I'm really not trying to be overdramatic, I just felt so compelled to share with you what God taught me through that experience. I feel that at the age 0f 27 God allowed me to know something that most people don't begin to realize until much later in life. That is the fact that life is precious and we are not promised any more days. They are a gift. We were so blessed that everything was fine with Kate. But Josh and I said many prayers for a family whose baby was in the bed next to Kate. She was very premature and we overheard the dr. discussing the options with the family and none of them sounded like an option I would ever want to have to consider.
Life has a new urgency for me now. I don't take for granted that myself or anyone I love is promised another day. There just is not time to waste. There is no time to accept the status quo from life, no time to be content living in a way that allows me to just get by. I see everyday as an opportunity to live praising and worshipping my heavenly Father and not just that but telling others about Him. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." I want you to know about that mercy. That everyday you can begin with new mercies, a new start.
God has blessed me with a wonderful family, some of the best friends in the world, and too many other things to list. But NOTHING has brought more joy and peace in my life than my relationship with Jesus. NOTHING has had the power to truly change me, to give me the meaning and purpose that we all seek. I love sharing my life with those of you who for some reason find it entertaining to read about. But I cannot go another day with making sure that I have told you the most important news you will ever hear.
Romans 10:9-10 says, "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead , you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."
You may wonder what you need to be saved from. In our culture and society we have been brainwashed into believing that sin doesn't exist, that we are all basically good. It's just not true! I'm not judging anybody, I'm just stating the facts. Romans 3:23 says, "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The truth is that no human is capable of being good enough compared to God's standards. NOBODY! Not Billy Graham, not Oprah. It does not matter how many good works you do. None of us deserves the new mercies God offers everyday.
The Good News is that God knew that and He sent a sacrifice to pay for our sins. My absolute favorite verse is Romans 5:8. "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Do you see that? While we were still sinners Christ died for us. He didn't wait for us to be good enough because it would never happen. But He saw who we would be if we would accept Him and allow Him to change us for His glory.
Romans 8:16-17 tells us, "The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together." We become children of God and His heirs! How amazing is that? I won't try to sell you that lie that many TV preachers do and tell you that asking Jesus into your heart means all of your problems will disappear and everything will be perfect. If you've observed my life long enough you know that is not true. But I will say that I have enjoyed suffering with Jesus more than I ever enjoyed just floating through life with no meaning and purpose.
There would have been a time that I would have apologized for being so bold. But I'm not going to apologize. God literally saved my life and while I appreciate the opportunity to be around and raise my children and support my husband, I wholeheartedly believe that I am still here to testify to the Power of God. I can't make anyone believe or accept anything. But I do have to make sure you know!
I'm still looking forward to my honeymoon. But I'm not marking off days. There is too much life to be lived in those 15 days. Please don't accept that life is an event to be survived until we die and hope that something good happens every few months or so. In John 10:10 Jesus tells us, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." Let Jesus give you that abundant life. Start seeking to make the most of those days, not just mark them off.
We're getting ready for our honeymoon! Yay! Josh had just started a new job when we got married and so he couldn't take any time off for a honeymoon. Of course, we didn't care, we were content to finally just get to be together all the time. (Well, except for those pesky work hours. :) ) Anyway, we will be married 8 years in June and we just haven't stopped having babies or moving long enough to get one! We've decided it is time! The excitement in our house is uncontainable. The kids are equally excited because they get to go to Panama City and see the grandparents which equals a week of fun and getting whatever they want!
All of this excitement takes place in 15 days!!!! I know this because the other day I bought little calendars for Sarah and Eli to mark the days instead of asking me 85 times a day when they're going to Panama City! Sarah is such a planner. I promise she is going to be some kind of event coordinator when she grows up. She LIVES for parties and social occassions and she wants to have a plan and discuss it frequently. She did not get this quality from me as I am the worst planner known to mankind, but I have learned to appreciate and am looking forward to her planning our social events when she is old enough! So, the calendar has been right up her alley. She's gone through all of the months and recorded birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We've marked off all of the days from this month that have passed.
Now I get to the serious part that has been on my heart. While I love being excited and looking forward to things to come, I realized how much God has changed me in the last year and a half. You see, my life changed forever on August 28, 2007. At least the way I view the days of my life. That was the day that Baby Kate decided to make her entrance into the world and she was determined to give me all of the drama that my other two birth stories were lacking. She came 4 weeks early, on a day Josh was at school in Jackson (broke down on the side of the road by the way), and unlike my first two babies the epidural did not work. It was also my longest labor which I totally did not expect because these things are supposesd to get faster!
Well, nothing went as planned that day. I suffered from postpartum hemmorage, a very rare complication, and my uterus did not contract back the way it should. I began losing a lot of blood. I thought I was just really tired from labor, but I was also really out of it. Right before the nurse figured out what was going on a nursery nurse came in to tell me that they had taken Kate to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) because her breathing was too rapid. I was already so out of it that I didn't really comprehend what they were telling me. Josh had left to go get the kids and bring them back to the hospital, but my friend Karen had just showed up. She got there just in time for all of the action! Bless her heart, you just don't know what I have put that girl through in our friendship!
I'll save the details, mostly because I was too out of it to remember them! But here is why I share this story. Life could have taken a vary drastic turn for me that day. I really didn't realize how bad the situation was until a couple of months later talking to Karen. Thankfully she understands my need to discuss and analyze and relive things until I can make peace with them. She was in the room when the nurse (who happened to be her aunt!) called the dr. My dr. said that he would be there in 10 minutes and she told him he did not have 10 minutes!! I still praise God for the amazing, experienced nurses I had that day. Karen also said that her aunt who was my nurse told her later that she didn't know how close she came to losing her friend. If I didn't appreciate how much God is in control it would still scare me to think about that day.
That night I wasn't able to see Kate because I wasn't allowed out of bed and Kate had to stay in the NICU. Fortunately, everything turned out just fine with Kate and she is one happy, healthy baby now! I was afraid she would be spoiled rotten from having so much attention from the awesome NICU nurses, but she wasn't!
I'm really not trying to be overdramatic, I just felt so compelled to share with you what God taught me through that experience. I feel that at the age 0f 27 God allowed me to know something that most people don't begin to realize until much later in life. That is the fact that life is precious and we are not promised any more days. They are a gift. We were so blessed that everything was fine with Kate. But Josh and I said many prayers for a family whose baby was in the bed next to Kate. She was very premature and we overheard the dr. discussing the options with the family and none of them sounded like an option I would ever want to have to consider.
Life has a new urgency for me now. I don't take for granted that myself or anyone I love is promised another day. There just is not time to waste. There is no time to accept the status quo from life, no time to be content living in a way that allows me to just get by. I see everyday as an opportunity to live praising and worshipping my heavenly Father and not just that but telling others about Him. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." I want you to know about that mercy. That everyday you can begin with new mercies, a new start.
God has blessed me with a wonderful family, some of the best friends in the world, and too many other things to list. But NOTHING has brought more joy and peace in my life than my relationship with Jesus. NOTHING has had the power to truly change me, to give me the meaning and purpose that we all seek. I love sharing my life with those of you who for some reason find it entertaining to read about. But I cannot go another day with making sure that I have told you the most important news you will ever hear.
Romans 10:9-10 says, "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead , you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."
You may wonder what you need to be saved from. In our culture and society we have been brainwashed into believing that sin doesn't exist, that we are all basically good. It's just not true! I'm not judging anybody, I'm just stating the facts. Romans 3:23 says, "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The truth is that no human is capable of being good enough compared to God's standards. NOBODY! Not Billy Graham, not Oprah. It does not matter how many good works you do. None of us deserves the new mercies God offers everyday.
The Good News is that God knew that and He sent a sacrifice to pay for our sins. My absolute favorite verse is Romans 5:8. "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Do you see that? While we were still sinners Christ died for us. He didn't wait for us to be good enough because it would never happen. But He saw who we would be if we would accept Him and allow Him to change us for His glory.
Romans 8:16-17 tells us, "The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together." We become children of God and His heirs! How amazing is that? I won't try to sell you that lie that many TV preachers do and tell you that asking Jesus into your heart means all of your problems will disappear and everything will be perfect. If you've observed my life long enough you know that is not true. But I will say that I have enjoyed suffering with Jesus more than I ever enjoyed just floating through life with no meaning and purpose.
There would have been a time that I would have apologized for being so bold. But I'm not going to apologize. God literally saved my life and while I appreciate the opportunity to be around and raise my children and support my husband, I wholeheartedly believe that I am still here to testify to the Power of God. I can't make anyone believe or accept anything. But I do have to make sure you know!
I'm still looking forward to my honeymoon. But I'm not marking off days. There is too much life to be lived in those 15 days. Please don't accept that life is an event to be survived until we die and hope that something good happens every few months or so. In John 10:10 Jesus tells us, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." Let Jesus give you that abundant life. Start seeking to make the most of those days, not just mark them off.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thinking....
I think too much. It's a problem I've always suffered from. Now, granted, I did not say that I have deep, life changing thoughts. I just think too much. Sometimes I do ponder theological debates. Sometimes I visually repaint rooms in my house and decide what throw pillows would match. And sometimes I think I'm hungry. If you conversate with me regularly you know that this pattern of thoughts comes across in my conversation and it moves quickly. I will never claim to be the most focused of people.
That's why I'm up tonight. Thinking. There are always so many things to think about. I truly do not understand when people say they are bored because I literally am entertained by my own thoughts on a constant basis. I've been sick this past week, not dangerously deathly ill, just sick enough to have nothing else to do but think. That IS dangerous and I really struggle when I feel bad physically because for some reason it always gets me so down in other ways.
A familiar struggle is the universal "What is my purpose? Why am I here?" question. I often struggle with this question and wondering what God's plan for me entails. I have tried to adjust to the fact that He so far has chosen to reveal His plan to me one little jigsaw piece of the puzzle at a time. And...I know that it is best. If when God had first called me to ministry at the age of 15 He had revealed to me that I would be a preacher's wife living in the parking lot of a church in the middle of nowhere and have three kids I probably would have immediately signed up to study abroad and would have RUN!!!!! Not that I don't love my life or that I would trade it for anything, I just know that God has slowly had to prepare me for each step of life. Not only that, but He has gotten the glory all along the way (I hope!).
And yet, even though we have been through this so many times, I still wonder. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I serving God the best I can? Is there something I'm missing? Most likely this excessive self-analysis can be attributed to too many sick days with not enough socialization :). But, I also know that it is necessary. I know that it is when I stop questioning or stop caring that it becomes very easy to slip through the carefully woven plan God has.
I am taking peace now in a verse that I feel speaks what my purpose and my promise will always be.
"You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy." Psalm 16:11
As long as we seek God He is faithful to show us the path. And no matter what specific calling God places on our life we have fullness of joy when we are in His presence. He simply wants us to seek Him, to worship Him and to find our joy in Him. That is something to think about!!
That's why I'm up tonight. Thinking. There are always so many things to think about. I truly do not understand when people say they are bored because I literally am entertained by my own thoughts on a constant basis. I've been sick this past week, not dangerously deathly ill, just sick enough to have nothing else to do but think. That IS dangerous and I really struggle when I feel bad physically because for some reason it always gets me so down in other ways.
A familiar struggle is the universal "What is my purpose? Why am I here?" question. I often struggle with this question and wondering what God's plan for me entails. I have tried to adjust to the fact that He so far has chosen to reveal His plan to me one little jigsaw piece of the puzzle at a time. And...I know that it is best. If when God had first called me to ministry at the age of 15 He had revealed to me that I would be a preacher's wife living in the parking lot of a church in the middle of nowhere and have three kids I probably would have immediately signed up to study abroad and would have RUN!!!!! Not that I don't love my life or that I would trade it for anything, I just know that God has slowly had to prepare me for each step of life. Not only that, but He has gotten the glory all along the way (I hope!).
And yet, even though we have been through this so many times, I still wonder. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I serving God the best I can? Is there something I'm missing? Most likely this excessive self-analysis can be attributed to too many sick days with not enough socialization :). But, I also know that it is necessary. I know that it is when I stop questioning or stop caring that it becomes very easy to slip through the carefully woven plan God has.
I am taking peace now in a verse that I feel speaks what my purpose and my promise will always be.
"You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy." Psalm 16:11
As long as we seek God He is faithful to show us the path. And no matter what specific calling God places on our life we have fullness of joy when we are in His presence. He simply wants us to seek Him, to worship Him and to find our joy in Him. That is something to think about!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
LOST
Can I be honest with you? Sometimes I feel a little lost. Not in a spiritual, don't know God kind of way. Just in the general, what the heck is going on kind of way. I started thinking about this because since we moved to Mississippi we've only had one channel and LOST has become my favorite show. Despite the fact that I became obssessed with it and had to rent all of the seasons I had missed to catch me up, I'm having a hard time following it this season. Mostly because you have to have an attention span longer than three minutes to be able to follow it and I seem to be lacking greatly in that area.
Being lost has been a theme lately. Last Friday night Josh and I were supposed to go to an associational pastors and deacons banquet. After the week I had I was thrilled to be going any where out of my house without my children! Again, just being honest. We started the evening out late, which is par for the course for us. The sad thing is I thought we were going somewhere else and I didn't know we were running late. I thought I had timed it perfect. I really couldn't figure out why Josh kept asking if he could do something to help me get ready. I didn't trust him with the hair straightener or the eye shadow, so we just left late. We got the kids dropped off and headed out. There really is nothing like looking for county roads in Jasper County in the dark on highways that have no street lights. I can't see worth a flip anyway so I just offered encouragement like, "Maybe we should turn around" and "I don't think it would be in this county." :) Well, long story longer, we passed our turn and Josh just decided we would drive on to Laurel and get supper. I hate to admit it, but I was kind of excited. I can't remember the last time Josh and I went on a date and these days I have to take it however I can get it! That night getting lost had its perks.
Then on Monday the kids and I headed out to Wal-Mart. I really could write a book just about my experiences at Wal-Mart in the last year. We went to a different one than the one we usually go to and the whole time Eli was saying, "Are we lost? I think we're lost. Are we crashing? Are we racing?" :) He has this thing about crashing and being lost and I'm not sure why because Sarah is the only one who ever gets in wrecks with me. I haven't crashed with Eli once! (For anyone who doesn't know, I put my jeep in reverse and got out and watched it roll through a parking lot with Sarah in it. Yes, that was another blog.)
Well, I guess we all just have those times. I often feel lost in my own little world. Lost in piles of laundry and dishes. Lost in the woods. I even felt at a loss for words for a few days, though I doubt you will believe that! Then I heard a song I haven't heard in forever. Lost in Emotion! Very old school, very stuck in my head this week.
To top off my lost theme Josh came home from school Monday night and told me something that I had never heard in all my years in church. Somehow we started talking about the Israelites and their wanderings in the wilderness. You know, they spent 40 years trying to get to the Promised Land. I kind of understand because we live an hour and a half from Target. Ha! Just kidding. Anyway, he told me something that just blew my mind. Did you know that the actual trip to the Promised Land should have only taken 11 days?!?! Holy cow! Can't you just hear the Israelite women? "I told you we should stop and ask for directions!!" I tried to imagine 40 years listening to Eli say "Are we lost? I think we're lost?" Then I could imagine Sarah leading the way because she always knows exactly what is going on. :) Then I started thinking about Kate and wondering, "Did they have strollers?" Okay, I started getting a little side tracked.
As I thought about the 40 year trip that should have only taken 11 days it made me think about life now. As much as we look back at the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and wonder what in the world they were thinking, I know that we all have lost times. Times when we lose sight of God's direction or try to jump ahead of Him a little bit. When we were getting ready to move to Mississippi I accepted a job that I really didn't feel I was supposed to just because I was desperate to have a job. Fortunately God stepped in and put me back on track with the job I was supposed to have. I later found out the other company was being investigated for fraud! I wouldn't have just lost a job but I could have lost my social workers license as well! I'm still praising God I didn't have to suffer the wandering that decision could have cost me.
It is still a struggle sometimes knowing God's plans and more than that WAITING for God's plan. I've had many conversations with people about that this week as well. I'm a big believer that the plans God has for us are good, not just in spending eternity with Him, but here on earth as well. Often it is just the waiting to get to the good part that is so hard. Josh said that if you could look down at the path the Israelites took it would literally be a zigzag of circling through the wilderness. That's where our own plans and decisions get us. Lost, dizzy and in a big mess.
I love these verses: "Teach me your way, O LORD, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!" Psalm 27:11-14.
Being lost has been a theme lately. Last Friday night Josh and I were supposed to go to an associational pastors and deacons banquet. After the week I had I was thrilled to be going any where out of my house without my children! Again, just being honest. We started the evening out late, which is par for the course for us. The sad thing is I thought we were going somewhere else and I didn't know we were running late. I thought I had timed it perfect. I really couldn't figure out why Josh kept asking if he could do something to help me get ready. I didn't trust him with the hair straightener or the eye shadow, so we just left late. We got the kids dropped off and headed out. There really is nothing like looking for county roads in Jasper County in the dark on highways that have no street lights. I can't see worth a flip anyway so I just offered encouragement like, "Maybe we should turn around" and "I don't think it would be in this county." :) Well, long story longer, we passed our turn and Josh just decided we would drive on to Laurel and get supper. I hate to admit it, but I was kind of excited. I can't remember the last time Josh and I went on a date and these days I have to take it however I can get it! That night getting lost had its perks.
Then on Monday the kids and I headed out to Wal-Mart. I really could write a book just about my experiences at Wal-Mart in the last year. We went to a different one than the one we usually go to and the whole time Eli was saying, "Are we lost? I think we're lost. Are we crashing? Are we racing?" :) He has this thing about crashing and being lost and I'm not sure why because Sarah is the only one who ever gets in wrecks with me. I haven't crashed with Eli once! (For anyone who doesn't know, I put my jeep in reverse and got out and watched it roll through a parking lot with Sarah in it. Yes, that was another blog.)
Well, I guess we all just have those times. I often feel lost in my own little world. Lost in piles of laundry and dishes. Lost in the woods. I even felt at a loss for words for a few days, though I doubt you will believe that! Then I heard a song I haven't heard in forever. Lost in Emotion! Very old school, very stuck in my head this week.
To top off my lost theme Josh came home from school Monday night and told me something that I had never heard in all my years in church. Somehow we started talking about the Israelites and their wanderings in the wilderness. You know, they spent 40 years trying to get to the Promised Land. I kind of understand because we live an hour and a half from Target. Ha! Just kidding. Anyway, he told me something that just blew my mind. Did you know that the actual trip to the Promised Land should have only taken 11 days?!?! Holy cow! Can't you just hear the Israelite women? "I told you we should stop and ask for directions!!" I tried to imagine 40 years listening to Eli say "Are we lost? I think we're lost?" Then I could imagine Sarah leading the way because she always knows exactly what is going on. :) Then I started thinking about Kate and wondering, "Did they have strollers?" Okay, I started getting a little side tracked.
As I thought about the 40 year trip that should have only taken 11 days it made me think about life now. As much as we look back at the Israelites wandering in the wilderness and wonder what in the world they were thinking, I know that we all have lost times. Times when we lose sight of God's direction or try to jump ahead of Him a little bit. When we were getting ready to move to Mississippi I accepted a job that I really didn't feel I was supposed to just because I was desperate to have a job. Fortunately God stepped in and put me back on track with the job I was supposed to have. I later found out the other company was being investigated for fraud! I wouldn't have just lost a job but I could have lost my social workers license as well! I'm still praising God I didn't have to suffer the wandering that decision could have cost me.
It is still a struggle sometimes knowing God's plans and more than that WAITING for God's plan. I've had many conversations with people about that this week as well. I'm a big believer that the plans God has for us are good, not just in spending eternity with Him, but here on earth as well. Often it is just the waiting to get to the good part that is so hard. Josh said that if you could look down at the path the Israelites took it would literally be a zigzag of circling through the wilderness. That's where our own plans and decisions get us. Lost, dizzy and in a big mess.
I love these verses: "Teach me your way, O LORD, And lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, And such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!" Psalm 27:11-14.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
A Special Day
Three years ago I had a chance to talk to my three year old about asking Jesus into her heart. I still remember it. Eli was a newborn and we were all in the car waiting for Josh to put up some bread in Sam's. (He was a breadman then, not a pastor.) I was attempting to sing to occupy the kids (I say attempting, because believe me I cannot carry a tune in a bucket). We were singing a song about Jesus knocking on your heart and asking to come in. Sarah asked, "Why does he have to knock if he already lives there?" Pretty deep for a three year old, huh? I explained to here that he doesn't automatically live in our hearts, but that we have to invite him in. She wanted to pray to ask Jesus in. We said a little prayer, but she was so young I didn't think much about it.
About a month later we were taking the Lord's Supper and she wanted to participate. I told her she couldn't that it was just for people who had asked Jesus into their hearts. She said, "But I did remember?" I was so in shock that she remembered that day.
About a month later we were taking the Lord's Supper and she wanted to participate. I told her she couldn't that it was just for people who had asked Jesus into their hearts. She said, "But I did remember?" I was so in shock that she remembered that day.
I still felt that she was too young and we just continued to teach her and pray with her. It was always mine and Josh's prayer that she wouldn't go a day longer than she had to without asking Jesus into her heart.
Sarah Beth on the night she asked Jesus into her heart!On December 11, 2008 we were eating supper and Josh and I were talking. The kids and I had been out of town for a week and we had a lot to catch up on. Out of nowhere Sarah asked about being baptized. She had been asking us about it for awhile, but we wanted to make sure she really understood it and understood why we should get baptized. We shared with her again that we get baptized to show that we have prayed and asked Jesus into our hearts. She said, "Well can I pray already?" Bless her heart, she was getting tired of waiting on us. We prayed with her that night.
I know that we often worry over kids making this decision and feel that they may not completely understand. I know a lot of people who made this decision as a child and later as adults questioned if it was sincere. I personally have come to the conclusion that I feel like too often it is not that children have not made the decision, but that we don't encourage and teach them as much as they need. I say this, because I know that it seems like they're too young to start Bible reading or praying. But, I've learned they're not. If anything they are much more eager and open to the Spirit. Jesus was clear about letting the children come to him.
Anyway, we decided to wait until after the holidays for Sarah's baptism. It seemed like there was always so much going on. She had literally been begging us to do it. I knew that was from God because she has talked about baptism for the last couple of years but kept telling us she was too scared and would wait until she was six. Guess she knew what she was talking about! These past few weeks have been a hard time for my family as my mamaw's house that she built with my papaw and lived in for over forty years burned to the ground. Fortunately no one was home but it was a total loss. A week after that she ended up in the hospital. They thought she had a heart attack, but they discovered that she had developed a lesion on one of the grafts from her last heart surgery that was blocking the blood flow and they were able to repair it.
We had already planned Sarah's baptism and we considered moving it after so much was going on and none of our family was going to be able to be there. But Sarah insisted! A few weeks before her best friend Jacey had come to talk to Josh about also being baptized. I took Sarah and Eli to Eli's room to read books while they talked. I asked if they wanted to pray for Jacey and Sarah did. She thanked Jesus for coming into her heart, and she thanked him for letting Jacey be her best friend. That was special to me, because Sarah had a little best friend in Panama City and when we moved I had prayed so much for the new friends she would make here. How exciting to hear her thank God for her best friend!
Josh didn't pray with Jacey that night. She let him know she had already prayed to ask Jesus into her heart! So Sarah and Jacey got to be baptized together! I sure do look forward to praying for and teaching these girls and seeing the plans God has for them!
Sarah Beth and Jacey February 1, 2009
Sarah being baptized by her daddyat Montrose Baptist Church
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