Resolutions

I obviously have not been able to bring myself to write the rest of the story so to speak. It's weird, this last weekend was SOOOO hard. And the week was pretty rough too. I really worried that when I said I would never be the same that part of that meant losing my coping mechanism- laughter. Slowly throughout the week I felt my sense of humor coming back. The day I went to the dump I passed a deer head on a propane tank and it was one of those, "Only in my life" moments. But, it wasn't long after that I was crying on the way home.

Well, last night I learned that even if I do not currently possess the same ability to laugh and be funny right now, I can still make people laugh. Let me tell you about it. You see, one day last week I decided that to get out of my funk I needed something to focus on. Something to schedule everyday to get me moving. Months ago I had read on several other blogs about a workout called "30 Day Shred". It's a workout with Jillian, one of the trainers from the show Biggest Loser. I had heard such great things about it, and also things that scared the mess out of me. She's just scary in my opinion. I was going to order it online and then I heard it was at Wal-Mart. Of course, I couldn't find it at Wal-Mart and I broke down and bought a different DVD. A DVD that to this day I haven't used. Not once. I watched it once....It was a dance workout and while I love to dance, I have to tell you that as an almost 30 year old preacher's wife and mother of 3, there are just some dance moves I can no longer do in good conscience. There also is not enough room in my house for hip swaying. Things will get broken. Just sayin'. So, last week in the midst of my funk I had a moment of inspiration (READ: insanity), and called Josh and asked him to see if the Shred had finally made it's way to our Wal-Mart. It had.

Josh came home bearing the Shred and some hand weights. That was Tuesday. Apparently my rush of enthusiasm that caused me to call Josh at work and ask him to get this DVD right then was short lived because come last night, it was still sitting on the entertainment center, unopened. I had completed my chores and put the kids to bed. I was so tired I wanted to get something to eat but I didn't even have the energy to get off the couch to walk to the kitchen. So, you know what that means right? Yes, I decided to start my 30 day Shred at 8:00 on a Friday night. Makes perfect sense, I know.

Getting the DVD into the player is always a huge step for me, I'm not even kidding. I did that and previews of other exercise DVD's began playing. They have a couple where they actually use Biggest Loser contestants and I was telling Josh how much I liked that b/c usually when I use workout videos I spend the whole time fighting hateful, jealous thoughts towards the superskinny, perfect people they have being the "example". Well, the Shred began and I noticed that the normal people were NOT on this one, only Jillian and 2 super skinny, perfect girls. That is very convenient so that Jillian can say, "Do you see her abs? Aren't they awesome? If you want them you've gotta work for them. They don't come for free!" I wanted to tell her that my mummy tummy did not come for free either, and I have the medical bills, restaurant receipts, and 3 kids to prove it. But, I don't think she was listening to me.

We started out with a warm-up. I immediately began gloating to Josh about how I could handle this. I took dance for 16 years for Pete's sake! Well, we then moved onto strength training, and it turns out it does not matter how long you take dance, if you then go like 11 years without moving. I just knew I could handle the strength training. I carry Kate around!!! That child weighs 35 pounds! Other women marvel at my strength when they see me pick up Kate. Not Jillian, she still wasn't listening to me.

I survived that portion and we moved onto cardio. Lord.Have.Mercy. I started out okay. We were doing jumping jacks and she said something about not having an alternate way to do them. iI asked Josh, "Are there people who can't do jumping jacks?" Y'know, since I am Mrs. Fitness. Jillian (for the first time listening to me) said, "I've seen 400 pound people do jumping jacks." Well, glad we settled that. I was at this point still running my mouth to Josh about how this was really not so bad. Then, 45 minutes later (that time may not be totally correct-she claims the circuits last 3 minutes, but she lies!!!!!!!) I was screaming "Where's my inhaler? Where's my inhaler?" Oh yeah, I don't have one, because I normally breathe fine when I am sitting on the couch.

We made it to the stomach workout and it felt like the biggest relief ever. I got to lay down!! I actually have a pretty strong stomach even if it is covered in pounds of sagging fat and skin. We started doing a different exercise and Jillian told me that it would work on the pooch and get rid of it and I believed her! I want to believe her y'all! It has to be true.

I was feeling good, and then...we started over! Somehow I was confused about the whole 3 circuit thing and because every 3 minute circuit felt like 4 hours and 13 minutes, I kept thinking we were on the last one and we weren't! Horrible. Painful. Jillian kept telling me I couldn't stop if I want to look like her and the perfect girls. 8 hours (I mean 15 minutes) into the workout I started thinking it really is not so bad to not look like the perfect girls. My gloating, bragging, and really my ability to communicate at all had ended at the leg squats and Josh (who was supposed to be working) was watching me and laughing.

So, I don't know what resolutions you've made. Apparently it is time for me to change mine from "exercising every day" to "cause people to laugh hysterically". Oh wait, I think I can cross off both of those together!

(For the record, Josh is doing the Shred with me tonight. Please add us to your prayer lists. Specifically that we won't accidentally hit each other with our weights, we will be able to walk tomorrow, and that we won't laugh so hard we can't workout. Thanks.) :)

Go Rest High on Rainbow Mountain....

*Warning: Graphic and disturbing images that may not be suitable for younger audience.

Today I am appreciating the wisdom of Hannah Montana. "Nobody's perfect, you live and you learn it." Oh you don't know that song? Well, I will be more than happy to ship that CD to you. :) Anyway, today I want to talk about a lesson I am learning that has been influenced by Hannah Montana, Barbie, honeybuns and the Bible. Are you ready for this??

The topic today: Weight. And beauty. I know I have shared my weight loss plans with you and I really felt like I had arrived when I saw that someone actually found my blog by searching for "Emily Strickland diet". Holy cow! Okay, so obviously there is an Emily Strickland (my maiden name) out there who actually has a diet that is working and that people are wanting to try. But, it was fun for a second to pretend that I would be someone people would seek for weight loss advice. Then reality hit and it was just funny!

I have joked a lot about my weight loss efforts but the truth is that it has been a very serious subject in my life. I'm about to get personal here so I just thought I would warn you. I was diagnosed with my depression in August of 2000 and got engaged in September of 2000. That meant that I started an anti-depressant and birth control in the same year. Many anti-depressants are known to cause weight gain and mine certainly did. Also, when I started on birth control the nurse practictioner told me that it would increase my appetite but it would not cause me to gain weight. I didn't get that because if my appetite is increased I'm gonna eat more! I had already gained about 15 pounds by the time I walked down the aisle and then I started married life as the wife of a breadman. Good grief! Unlimited access to bagels and honeybuns. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how ugly that got. THEN, I got pregnant 4 months after we were married. I gained..........50 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll never forget Easter of that year because I had gained 15 pounds in a month when I went back to the dr. He didn't chastise me or tell me to change my diet. He just said, "Somebody sure enjoyed their Easter bunnies." It is funny now, but to a very hormonal pregnant woman it was not. I called Josh crying and wouldn't tell him why and I know he thought the dr. had told me I was dying. That was how I was acting.

So, that is how my weight loss struggle began. I still remember the first time I really looked at myself in the mirror after Sarah was born. I was disgusted. All of the models and celebraties were in the magazines looking even better after having babies and I looked like I might still have a few more in there waiting for delivery. The models obviously did not have the unlimited resources to carbs that I did. I ordered diet pills. Which was just what my depressed, postpartum hormonal self needed. Like I needed another honeybun.

I never lost all of the weight before I got pregnant with Eli and then I gained 60 POUNDS!!!!! I did do much better after he was born about exercising. For a while. I really got my wake-up call when we moved to Mississippi. God had done amazing things bringing us here, but I won't lie. It was a very stressful time. I was finishing up my last year of school, including an internship in the ER and I had a 3 year old and an infant. Food once again became my comforter. After we moved I received a gift card and I went to try on clothes. I had to buy pants that were 3 sizes bigger than the last time I had bought clothes. It was just a month after that I learned that I was pregnant with Kate and I decided at that moment that things were going to be different.

I was very careful about what I ate. I only gained 35 pounds with her and that was a big accomplishment after my previous pregnancy weight gain. I was extremely motivated after she was born to lose not just the pregnancy weight, but also the depression, birth control pill, honeybun weight. I had such a rough time when she was born that I honestly lost my appetite. That has never happened in my entire life. I really think that helped me the most but I don't recommend going through what I went through to achieve results!! Between nursing and substituting 2 or 3 of my meals everyday with Lean Cuisines or Weight Watcher meals I started losing the weight pretty quickly. I was also still working and would eat low fat subs for lunch most days. It really helped that I was on the go so much for work. That had been my biggest struggle before, being at home surrounded by food and my kids who were constantly eating. I felt like I lived in the kitchen. So, that is my weight loss story. I am actually back in the size I wore in high school.

I share this story for several reasons. 1. I've had several people ask me about how I lost weight. 2. I know SO many people who struggle with this, and probably all moms have struggled with their body image even if they don't share the weight gain. Having a baby just changes your body no matter what! 3. For me I feel like my weight loss was a testimony to how God is involved in all parts of our life. I'm going to share that part now.

You see, that Christmas that I went shopping for new clothes and had to move into not only a new pant size, but a new department altogether, I realized something. I realized that I was a stress eater. And I realized that was not okay. In the same way that we teach that it is wrong to drown out our sorrows with alcohol or seek an escape with drugs, it was wrong for me to seek food for comfort when Jesus told us that we have a comforter. I realized that instead of casting my cares at His feet I was eating Dove chocolate like it was going out of style. So, this endeavor became more for me than a physical one. It became a spiritual one.

I don't want this to become an issue of what size you are. It's really not about everybody being a certain size. It's about being at a place where you are at peace. With your relationship with God and with how you feel about yourself. I still do not like to see pictures of myself from certain times. And that makes me sad because many of those are pictures with my babies. I became more anti-social because I didn't feel comfortable being seen or participating in certain activities. It has been so freeing and exciting to have fun and not constantly be worried about how I look. Some of that has to do with the weight loss. But mostly it has to do with the work God has done on my heart about accepting myself.

So now that I have shared all of that, I will confess that I am still very much a work in progress. Physically and spiritually. I still have a mummy tummy that will probably never go away. I am slowly trying to accept that. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I don't look like Barbie. That brings me to the next part of this.

I love Barbie. Playing with dolls was my favorite pastime for many years. Above bike riding and roller skating, I loved dolls. Especially my Barbies. So, I'm not here to bash Barbie. I'm just here to lay to rest some of the ideas that Barbie has filled our minds with. I had someone ask me why I struggled with insecurities about how I look. I could totally make a list of every physical flaw I see in myself, but I will spare you. Because I think it is much more simple than that. I'm not Barbie. Have you ever thought about how Barbie has all kinds of friends, but Barbie is the star? It is the same problem I have with children in beauty pageants. They may learn confidence, poise and personality. Or...they must just learn that only 1 girl is pretty and good enough and the rest are not.

You see, our culture has continued to reinforce this idea in movies and TV shows. Casts are made up of all kinds of characters, but there is usually only 1 pretty girl. It is so easy to convince yourself that those around you are so much prettier, skinnier, or likeable. So where does everybody else fit in?

Barbie herself inspired this post. One weekend I spent the majority of my time putting her head back on. Let me explain. Kate shares my passion for dolls. Unfortunately for those dolls she insists on putting them in Speed Racer's car instead of their car. And y'all, Barbie is too big for Speed Racer's car. She don't fit. To add to the humiliation Barbie must feel about being too big, Kate was constantly pulling her head off in the process of car stuffing. It is rough to be a toy in this house. I spent so much time putting her head back on that at one point I found myself saying, "Silver and gold I do not have, but what I have I give you in the name of Jesus. Get up and walk!" Seriously, you know you have spent too much time in the house with kids when you are praying for the healing of Barbie dolls. Apparently the Spirit was not with me because instead of "healing" Barbie I broke her head off...for good. So sad. But it taught me a lesson. Even Barbie couldn't cut it when she was put somewhere that wasn't created for her.

So here is what I am getting at. God says that we were created for His glory and in His image. If you have become a follower of Jesus is that what concerns you? I've had to start asking myself, am I more concerned with others seeing Jesus in me or with others thinking I'm beautiful, skinny, attractive, etc.? Does it matter if I'm a size 0 and have perfectly straight, white teeth if my heart is ugly? Do I feel like I don't fit because I'm trying to fit into a mold that wasn't made for me? Whose approval am I seeking?

If you really want to see what happens when you try to fit into something not created for you, check out poor Barbie. My kids didn't even give her a proper burial....