Resolutions

I obviously have not been able to bring myself to write the rest of the story so to speak. It's weird, this last weekend was SOOOO hard. And the week was pretty rough too. I really worried that when I said I would never be the same that part of that meant losing my coping mechanism- laughter. Slowly throughout the week I felt my sense of humor coming back. The day I went to the dump I passed a deer head on a propane tank and it was one of those, "Only in my life" moments. But, it wasn't long after that I was crying on the way home.

Well, last night I learned that even if I do not currently possess the same ability to laugh and be funny right now, I can still make people laugh. Let me tell you about it. You see, one day last week I decided that to get out of my funk I needed something to focus on. Something to schedule everyday to get me moving. Months ago I had read on several other blogs about a workout called "30 Day Shred". It's a workout with Jillian, one of the trainers from the show Biggest Loser. I had heard such great things about it, and also things that scared the mess out of me. She's just scary in my opinion. I was going to order it online and then I heard it was at Wal-Mart. Of course, I couldn't find it at Wal-Mart and I broke down and bought a different DVD. A DVD that to this day I haven't used. Not once. I watched it once....It was a dance workout and while I love to dance, I have to tell you that as an almost 30 year old preacher's wife and mother of 3, there are just some dance moves I can no longer do in good conscience. There also is not enough room in my house for hip swaying. Things will get broken. Just sayin'. So, last week in the midst of my funk I had a moment of inspiration (READ: insanity), and called Josh and asked him to see if the Shred had finally made it's way to our Wal-Mart. It had.

Josh came home bearing the Shred and some hand weights. That was Tuesday. Apparently my rush of enthusiasm that caused me to call Josh at work and ask him to get this DVD right then was short lived because come last night, it was still sitting on the entertainment center, unopened. I had completed my chores and put the kids to bed. I was so tired I wanted to get something to eat but I didn't even have the energy to get off the couch to walk to the kitchen. So, you know what that means right? Yes, I decided to start my 30 day Shred at 8:00 on a Friday night. Makes perfect sense, I know.

Getting the DVD into the player is always a huge step for me, I'm not even kidding. I did that and previews of other exercise DVD's began playing. They have a couple where they actually use Biggest Loser contestants and I was telling Josh how much I liked that b/c usually when I use workout videos I spend the whole time fighting hateful, jealous thoughts towards the superskinny, perfect people they have being the "example". Well, the Shred began and I noticed that the normal people were NOT on this one, only Jillian and 2 super skinny, perfect girls. That is very convenient so that Jillian can say, "Do you see her abs? Aren't they awesome? If you want them you've gotta work for them. They don't come for free!" I wanted to tell her that my mummy tummy did not come for free either, and I have the medical bills, restaurant receipts, and 3 kids to prove it. But, I don't think she was listening to me.

We started out with a warm-up. I immediately began gloating to Josh about how I could handle this. I took dance for 16 years for Pete's sake! Well, we then moved onto strength training, and it turns out it does not matter how long you take dance, if you then go like 11 years without moving. I just knew I could handle the strength training. I carry Kate around!!! That child weighs 35 pounds! Other women marvel at my strength when they see me pick up Kate. Not Jillian, she still wasn't listening to me.

I survived that portion and we moved onto cardio. Lord.Have.Mercy. I started out okay. We were doing jumping jacks and she said something about not having an alternate way to do them. iI asked Josh, "Are there people who can't do jumping jacks?" Y'know, since I am Mrs. Fitness. Jillian (for the first time listening to me) said, "I've seen 400 pound people do jumping jacks." Well, glad we settled that. I was at this point still running my mouth to Josh about how this was really not so bad. Then, 45 minutes later (that time may not be totally correct-she claims the circuits last 3 minutes, but she lies!!!!!!!) I was screaming "Where's my inhaler? Where's my inhaler?" Oh yeah, I don't have one, because I normally breathe fine when I am sitting on the couch.

We made it to the stomach workout and it felt like the biggest relief ever. I got to lay down!! I actually have a pretty strong stomach even if it is covered in pounds of sagging fat and skin. We started doing a different exercise and Jillian told me that it would work on the pooch and get rid of it and I believed her! I want to believe her y'all! It has to be true.

I was feeling good, and then...we started over! Somehow I was confused about the whole 3 circuit thing and because every 3 minute circuit felt like 4 hours and 13 minutes, I kept thinking we were on the last one and we weren't! Horrible. Painful. Jillian kept telling me I couldn't stop if I want to look like her and the perfect girls. 8 hours (I mean 15 minutes) into the workout I started thinking it really is not so bad to not look like the perfect girls. My gloating, bragging, and really my ability to communicate at all had ended at the leg squats and Josh (who was supposed to be working) was watching me and laughing.

So, I don't know what resolutions you've made. Apparently it is time for me to change mine from "exercising every day" to "cause people to laugh hysterically". Oh wait, I think I can cross off both of those together!

(For the record, Josh is doing the Shred with me tonight. Please add us to your prayer lists. Specifically that we won't accidentally hit each other with our weights, we will be able to walk tomorrow, and that we won't laugh so hard we can't workout. Thanks.) :)