Is It Safe to Drink the Water?

I think the reason I began homeschooling was to hide my incompetence from those at Sarah's school. Seriously, I wish I could remember at what point I lost my brain.  Just a little over 2 years ago I was a Hospice social worker with an almost 60 person caseload (the status quo was between 25-30) and I was juggling enough paperwork to make your head spin. Now, the night before my children head back to school, I cannot get it together. Not only did I write my own name on several of their supplies (am I the only doofus that has done that?), but also left both of their folders out on the dining room table where all of the paperwork got mixed together and I'm not completely sure what belongs to who. I can already see their teachers rolling their eyes, muttering under their breath, "She's going to be THAT mother." To top it all off, despite the fact that we've traversed the planet this last week shopping for clothes, backpacks, school supplies ( and a few accessories), I have just discovered that the school supply list Eli's teacher sent home Friday has two extra things that the original list I got, did not. For the love of 16 count crayons, I will be heading to the Pig after Josh gets home for some ziplock bags and hand sanitizer. Will you judge me if I tell you we stayed home from church tonight? That my kids have already eaten and are now bathing so that I can put them to bed at 7:00? That I am blogging so that I can make all of this sound funny instead of sitting on my bed and crying over my inadequacies as a mother?

If I sound a bit melodramatic to you, well it is probably because I am. I have experienced a lot of anxiety over the decision to put my kids back in public school. Please understand, I've never had a problem with public school. Josh and I are both the products of public schools. (Okay, maybe I'm not the best example to use here, but Josh is totally smart.) It actually never occured to me that my kids wouldn't go to public school until we moved to Mississippi. When we began talking with the church in Montrose they wanted to make sure that we understood the school situation there. It wasn't good. The public school was extremely low performing and the only other option was an expensive private school. At the time we didn't have any kids in school and we were moving into the pastorium and figured that whatever we saved on a house payment could go toward the private school. Well, those were very tight times for us and after I felt led to quit my job and stay at home I began bouncing around the idea of homeschooling. I will be straight up honest and tell you that the grand appeal was the money we would be saving. The really great thing was that the private school used a homeschooling curriculum that we had already paid for, so when I took Sarah out during the second part of the year I was able to finish using it.

Well, this last year has been quite the struggle. From planning my class reunion to out of town trips and then the devastating loss of my Dad, it seemed like homeschooling became a task too daunting for me. I am thankful that with everything that went on (oh yeah, I forgot moving, too!) I was homeschooling. Sarah would have missed a lot. But, the truth is, I just began to feel like I couldn't give her the best. I have issues with "the best" y'all. I can't tell you how much I struggle with never feeling good enough if I'm not "the best", which frankly, is pretty much all the time. :) We've moved to a much better school district  and just having the option was such a relief. I knew before we moved that I might consider putting them in school, but I still wasn't sure. There are parts of homeschooling that I loved. The time with the kids. The flexibility. But truthfully, those became some of my biggest obstacles. I don't know if I can put into words how isolated we became in Mississippi. We lived in the middle of nowhere and while I made efforts to involve the kids in things like dance and t-ball, we still experienced a great deal of isolation. This is so hard to admit, but sometimes the time with my kids was TOO much time with my kids, if you know what I mean. There. I so hate saying that. Another tough part of homeschooling was researching stuff online and coming across these people who had 15 kids and they were all 4 grades ahead of where they should be and they all played instruments and the Moms homeschooled them all, sewed all of their clothes, made all of their meals from scratch, AND they never, not once expressed that sometimes, they just needed a break. That's a lot of pressure to live up to, y'all.

Of course, there are extremes in all things. I met some amazing homeschool Moms who became some of my dearest friends over these last couple of years. I have so much respect for them and the amazing job they do and the sacrifices they make.

The flexibility became another issue. I am not a structured person. I'm just not. I tried and tried and tried, but with a 2 year old all up in the middle of the homeschooling it added a difficulty level that equaled trying to walk uphill in roller skates. As I put the period on that last sentence I had to go remove said 2 year old from the bathroom where she just broke the toilet seat. I am not even kidding. So.......all of these things to say, I NEED A BREAK! And not that being at home with Miss Independant is going to be spa material, but we'll see....

I've dreaded writing this post 1. Because I feel like I'm revealing just how selfish I am and that I am not super Mom (I know that is so earth shattering to y'all :) and 2. I don't want it to become a debate on public school vs. homeschool. Believe me, that debate in my head is what has caused a lot of anxiety in my heart over the last several months.  A verse that became important to me while homeschooling is still important to me now. Deuteronomy 11:18-19 says, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." I felt like the greatest lesson I got from homeschooling is that I am my child's most important teacher when it comes to teaching them about the love, grace and forgiveness of God. That doesn't change because I send them to school.  I will still remain their most important teacher and the one who will have the most lasting impact. Can I admit that is a large reason I don't feel qualified to homeschool right now? As I have worked through a tremendous amount of stress and grief over this last year, I've had to accept that I really, truly cannot do it all. I have come to the realization that my heart, mind, soul and even my body, have got to have a chance to recover from some of what I've been dealing with before I can be my best for my kids, Josh, my family, friends, our church family, and those in our community that God calls me to minister to. While I've been tempted to fall prey to my pride and convince myself that I can do it all, I know that deep down the Father has been whispering to me that right now, I can't. And that while there are seasons of growing and perservering during the challenging experiences, there are also times when God leads us to the Water of Elim. After times of bitterness He brings us to sweet, refreshing water.

"22 Then Moses led Israel from the Red Sea and they went into the Desert of Shur. For three days they traveled in the desert without finding water. 23 When they came to Marah, they could not drink its water because it was bitter. (That is why the place is called Marah. [e] ) 24 So the people grumbled against Moses, saying, "What are we to drink?"


25 Then Moses cried out to the LORD, and the LORD showed him a piece of wood. He threw it into the water, and the water became sweet.

There the LORD made a decree and a law for them, and there he tested them. 26 He said, "If you listen carefully to the voice of the LORD your God and do what is right in his eyes, if you pay attention to his commands and keep all his decrees, I will not bring on you any of the diseases I brought on the Egyptians, for I am the LORD, who heals you."



27 Then they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs and seventy palm trees, and they camped there near the water."

Exodus 15: 22-27

I just realized that sounds very dramatic, as if homeschooling were this bitter pill I had to swallow and tomorrow I am going to do leaps and cartwheels through fields of flowers and gulp fresh spring water with excitement after I drop my kids off at school. Well.....maybe. :)  Just kidding. I realize this has been very emotional for me, not because of the issue of homeschooling, but because of the place that I am at in life. The place where instead of taking charge as a "have it all together, look at me!" leader, I feel that God is showing me that my lesson is that part of my growth right now is admitting I can' t do it all, that I am dealing with some tough things right now, and that He is probably getting ready to take me to some quiet places of healing and growth. I hope I'm ready.

For now, I have to go to the Pig. Think I will buy one of everything just to be safe...... :)