Friday, October 11, 2013

When Things Change

Hello blogging world! I've missed you. I've missed pouring out my heart and sharing my stories. I think last month is the first time since I started this blog several years ago that I didn't write But, such is life. And things have changed. It's funny that I thought when my kids got out of the very demanding toddler/pre-school age that I would have more time. Isn't that hilarious? I know all of you Moms with older kids think so. Sometimes I do feel like I have more time, but what I lack is the mental capacity to have a straight thought. Can anyone relate?  I actually started drinking coffee a few weeks ago in hopes that it would give me the energy to have a personality again. I don't know if that has happened, but man, I love me some coffee!

Anyway, yesterday out of nowhere I just felt struck by the strong desire to write again. I almost felt like I was no longer able. I hadn't had  much of a desire to. Life has been happening and it's taken most of what I have just to pull it together and live each day. That sounded pretty dramatic. So, I guess I haven't lost my flair for the dramatic. :)

Just to catch you up, things are changing. They always are. And this is not a post to reveal some new, exciting life change. No new additions (we do have a new puppy, but y'all, that is a WHOLE.OTHER.BLOG), no moves, no new jobs. Just slow and steady living, working, ministering and changing in the ways that are so subtle no one may notice.

My kids are changing. 

Kate poses for pictures......

Eli is growing more confident..........

Sarah is turning into a little lady........

Our activities have changed. After a crazy All-Star season in baseball and dance competitions last summer, we've decided to take it down a notch or 20. We had so much fun with those things, but we are enjoying a season of doing things like, being at home more than 15 minutes a week. :) Sarah is taking one dance class as opposed to 5, and Eli is taking the fall season off from sports. Kate will tell you, "I just watch TV", and really, what more did y'all expect from my 3rd child? I mean, y'all are totally impressed all 3 of them get to school with shoes on everyday, aren't you? Because, let's face it, shoes are totally optional for us most of the time.

Yeah, so maybe this was at church and maybe I didn't notice until I was home looking at this picture that one of my children was barefoot and the other had on one sock. But, whatever.

Anyway, chilling out with the activities has given us more time for things like....
                                                       Loving on our new niece and cousin, Audrey. <3 div="">
Doing science experiments.
Enjoying the view
Watching football
Enjoying girl's weekend
(On a side note, Lori posted this pic on FB and my husband did not acknowledge it because he said he did not know if we were being serious or joking. Lori said her husband said the same thing. Let's just take a moment and feel sorry for our husbands that this could possibly be the level of attractiveness they expect from their wives....)

And snuggling

Looking at these pictures you may not notice any changes. Well other than that my kids are grown and I've gained 50 pounds. But, other than that. a lot of changes have been happening that can't be seen. Changes in me. 

I won't lie, going back to work has kicked my tail. I know some women who rock the working mom thing like a boss, but me, I'm kind of just taking each day as it comes and praying everybody gets fed and nobody's teacher has to write another note reminding me to sign the behavior chart every day. :) 

October 1st was my year anniversary with my job and it is unreal what this last year has been like. What has changed. What has become the new normal. What I've learned to like about  myself and what I've cried over. I am thankful for a husband who gets my kids to school most days, even if they eat breakfast from a convenience store. And a husband who chauffeurs 5 little girls to dance class. And a husband who comes to the bedroom to talk to me when I lay on the bed and cry about the time I'm missing with my kids and says things like, "You just have to make the most of the time you do have with them."  Oh, you mean like right now instead of crying in the bed like a 5 year old? Yes, those words were important this year. 

I am thankful for changes like a new vehicle this year. But even more, I am thankful that in times when I have wanted circumstances or things to change in my life this last year, God did something better. He changed my heart.  

Today I am home on a furlough day, and that is also another blog I won't get started on. I knew about our furlough days about a month ago because ours are from sequestration days, not even what is going on now. And truth be told, I don't know how what is going on right now will affect my job in the future. And that is where the change in my heart comes in. 

Because my heart wants to stress and worry and think about things we want or need. But God has wanted me to focus on Him, His ability to provide, His plans that are bigger than things.

Because in the last year coming home has had its own level of stress as I come into a house that often times is the closest I've ever gotten to a frat house. Because people. These people, y'all. This husband and these children and these people in our community who spill drinks on my carpet and knock on my door at 11:00 at night. The socks. They're everywhere. And now I have a puppy who chews them up, so even when I find a pair that matches and is clean and hasn't been in my couch cushion for 2 months, it has holes! The smell. I'm convinced the inventor of deodorant lived with a 14 year old boy. 

And today, my first instinct on this first day I have had at home by myself in months is to clean this house like nobody's business. But as my foot stuck to the kool-aid on the kitchen floor and I wanted to scream in frustration about the socks under the dining room table, my heart was reminded of the memorial service I attended last night for a 4 month old baby. And I thought of those parents who won't get to pick up socks or spend hours trying to get red kool-aid off the countertops. And I decided to sit right here in this chair and thank God for the piles of laundry, but mostly the people who are living and breathing and playing and still here to change clothes 4 times a day. And as many times as I've told myself in the last year that I wouldn't stress about how my house or my family or or my life looks, today I mean it. 

Because God has changed my heart. Because I love that husband and those children and the people in this community who knock on my door. Because, to quote a friend on FB this morning, " It's weird how you end up loving the chaos that motherhood brings ", Jess Mead. Because I love those people I work with and want better things for their lives, even if they don't. Because I've finally learned that what looks impressive to other people and what brings fulfillment and meaning and peace in my life aren't necessarily the same thing. Because I've learned that life is messy and hard and the only way it is not is to not really live it. Because I've been stretched to the point that I cannot be enough even if I died trying. But Jesus is always enough. And so I've given up on Emily, and I've depended on Jesus. At the end of the day, no matter how much I've done I can create a list of all I haven't done. But Jesus. He said He will do the work. 

 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

                                                                                     ~Philippians 1:6

I am so thankful that when I ask God for change, the first thing He changes is my heart.

What kind of change have you been experiencing?

1 comment:

Karen said...

Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. One of your best. I'm glad you are writing again.

I've said before, you have no idea the eternal impact you are having on all those little people whose lives are intertwined with yours. They are going to change the world one day...because they learned from you. :) Love you!