When Sarah was a toddler she developed a phrase that brought laughter into my life during a time of being equally furious. During one of her intense fit throwing phases she coined the phrase "I CAN'T WANT TO!!!!!!!" Apparently I asked something of her that she had no desire to fulfill and that resulted in a full out rolling on the floor kicking and screaming fit. I was reminded of this special little phase when Eli recently repeated those very same words to me. "I CAN'T WANT TO!!!!"
As I mentioned in my last blog, I buried my dad last Wednesday. We came home for Josh to work a day and that was New Year's Eve. I really thought I was doing pretty good. I did laundry, repacked suitcases, went and vacuumed out the Jeep. But, Josh called to let me know that one of our friends had invited us to his house for New Year's Eve, and I became almost paralyzed. I couldn't do it. I couldn't get dressed and put on make-up. I couldn't handle the thought of trying to make polite conversation. I went back and forth all day about what to do. I would make up my mind that the last thing my Dad would want was for me to spend the day sitting around crying. Then, I would sit around and cry.
The next day we headed back to Panama City and I was able to spend some time with my Mom and brother, go to church, have lunch with a friend and celebrate T's (Josh's Mom) birthday. Now, I'm back home. Today is the first time I've been home 2 days in a row since he died. I've taken down Christmas decorations, (and let me tell you, our first real live Christmas tree went two weeks without being watered. I think we may have pieces of that tree with us, and by with us I mean in the carpet, for months to come!!), swept the floors, did some laundry and made some homemade potato soup. You may be thinking that you could care less about those things, but I share them because when I thought about doing them I thought 'I can't want to!' When I thought about writing again I thought 'I can't want to!'
I have always been good at staying strong for other people, but my own personal coping mechanism has always been to withdraw. I prefer to sit in a corner and stare at the wall. The times when I need to talk the most I've been known to not feel like talking. I tend to lose all motivation. It was the trademark of my depression. When life starts hurting too much it is easier to just zone out and not think about things like cooking, cleaning or talking. Those things remind you of life.
So, I'm asking for your help. It is very easy in my life right now to withdraw. I spend 95% of my life in a house in the middle of nowhere with 3 kids. It is easy to avoid human contact and zone out. But I can't. I know I can't. At this time in my life I am thankful for my previous depression because if nothing else I came out of it determined to NEVER go there again. I just can't do it. I can't check out. I have a husband, 3 kids, a dog, a Mom, a brother, a sister and her family. It wouldn't be fair to them. I serve a God who brought me out of that pit, and I know it was for a reason. I'm pretty sure it wasn't to spend my days in my pj's living off of pistachios and Diet Coke.
While every part of my human self is inwardly throwing a kicking and screaming fit saying "I CAN'T WANT TO!!", I know that it doesn't matter what I WANT. It matters that life is still going on and I have to choose to be a part of it. I can choose to be thankful for the many blessings I see through this time of grief. I can choose to remember the good times with my Daddy. I can choose to hold onto those I love a little tighter and make sure I make the most of the days I have with them. I can choose to find the humor in life and I promise, I will again!
I am so thankful for the outpouring of love and caring that has been shown to me and my family. It has been overwhelming. Not only were so many of our family and friends faithful to be there for us and take care of us, but you did it during the holidays when I know you had a million other things to do and places to be. It was not lost on this emotional, basket case of a girl the sacrifices you made to be with us. It was not lost on my needy heart the prayers and words of encouragement and support that were sent our way. I am going to try and write about my experience the week we spent in the hospital with my Daddy, but if I am never up to it, I want all of you who sent me comments and messages on Facebook to know that it was just like you were at the hospital with me putting your arms around me. Jesus tells us that we are blessed when we mourn because we will be comforted.(Matthew 5:4) I had never personally experienced that verse until this time. All of a sudden I got it. I understood what it meant to be comforted.
You do not have to worry that I will forget the kindness and love that was shown. I can't want to. :)