I earnestly seek God and seek to know Him and know all that I can about the relationship I have with Him that has defined my life. I want desperately to speak intelligently and persuasively about my views and to have a firm hold on the theological concepts that shape my faith. I strive to live a life that exemplifies those beliefs. But...despite the fact that I have been growing in my faith for 15 years, sometimes I realize that there is still so much to learn and so many ways to grow. In fact, the more I grow the more I see just how much I don't know. I stand in awe of those people who have it "all together" and seem to never waiver in their life.
The other night I had just put the kids to bed and was doing some picking up and I started hearing a tapping sound on the window. There was a time that would scare me, but now when I finally get the kids to bed and have a moment of peace it really just started annoying me! I pulled back the curtain and there were two insects banging themselves into the window. Josh and I couldn't figure out at first what they were. I had never seen anything like it. It had wings, but it's body was so funny looking. I thought that when we got right up to the window they would go flying off. But they didn't. They just kept hitting the glass. Finally after a few minutes of observation I realized that they were butterflies that were trying to get out of their cocoons! They literally were still in the cocoon except for their wings! I had never seen such a thing. We got a front row seat to these butterflies entrance into the world as their new creation and it wasn't pretty!
I have to admit it was kind of funny and kind of sad. I wanted desperately to make them understand that our window was not going to move no matter how many times they threw themselves into it. I wondered how long it was going to take them to figure it out on their own.
Well, I have to admit that watching them clumsily make their way into the world as butterflies made me think about myself. I ,too, often feel rather clumsy and awkward as I continue to change into the new creation God wants me to be. When I first started living my life according to God's Word I had someone share this verse with me. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17. I remind myself of this verse often when I have days that I feel like I'm stuck in my cocoon. Those butterflies made me realize that turning into a new creation is not an easy, seamless process. It takes work. And sometimes it feels like you're banging yourself into a wall! But...I am willing to bet that those butterflies who were once prisoners to the ground are now very glad for the wings that give them so much freedom.
That is what I have found in Christ. Freedom. I haven't figured out all of the answers and I know that I will continue to learn new things and be changed everyday. So, please pardon my progress as I work my way out of this cocoon!!!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
I would like to begin this by sharing my dream Sunday morning~ I would wake up about 5:00am and spend a few moments alone with God. Then, Josh and I sit at our patio table on the back porch overlooking the water sharing a cup of coffee. I would then pray over my husband as he prepares to preach God's Word. Next, I would head to the kitchen to cook a gourmet breakfast and we would sit as a family and enjoy each other's company. After that we would all get dressed in matching, perfectly pressed clothes and all shoes would be polished and waiting with their mate in our extremely organized closets. Everyone's hair would cooperate and my children would wait obediently while I grabbed the diaper bag which would have been packed completely the night before. We would sing songs as we walked from our house to the church.....
Okay. Snap out of it! Here's the reality. I NEVER wake up before sunrise, we don't own a patio table or live on the water and Josh and I don't drink coffee. The only thing remotely close to water in our backyard is a sea of garbage that the neighborhood dogs strew across the yard. The truth is that my kids are usually climbing on the kitchen counters scavenging for pop tarts or the highly favored powdered donuts when I come groggily wandering into the living room. Josh is ironing his clothes because I burnt one of his new shirts early in our marriage and he has not asked me to iron for him since. (I promise I didn't do it on purpose, but hey ladies...it worked!)
This past Sunday was no different. Josh leaves early to have prayer with some of the men before church and I turn into the wicked witch of East Mississippi. This Sunday I was looking forward to wearing a new dress and sandals I had bought for our upcoming trip. The problem was the sandals. They buckle. Fortunately I am no longer at the stage in life in which my belly is too big to reach the buckle, but I just could not get the shoe to buckle! I think I may have invented some yoga poses trying to get them on and those poses were most unladylike I might add. In the meantime I was also grabbing Kate who thinks it is fun to climb on things like my bed and then throw herself off. Eli was in his room entering what I call the "wailing and gnashing of teeth" phase. He was also having wardrobe issues and he is now in that wonderful phase where every frustration is worthy of a 30 minute screaming fit. He becomes inconsolable and I become impatient.
The thing is, getting dressed is only half of the battle in my house. Keeping everybody dressed is a whole other issue. Sarah had gotten dressed in a cute aqua and black dress. But then she insisted on wearing a powder blue sweater and it just did not match! So, she had to change into a dress to match the sweater. At the exact second I finished putting Kate's hair into cute little pigtails Eli came around the corner. He was wearing olive khaki pants, an orange polo shirt, cowboy boots, a tan baseball cap with an iguana on it and....a red and black glove on one hand. He argued with me about wearing the glove and I could not for the life of me figure out why my 3 year old felt the need to channel Michael Jackson on a Sunday morning. I was just ready to tell everybody to beat it!!! And yes, Kate had taken her hair down.
After surviving our Sunday morning episode of Project Runway it was almost time to head out. Eli wanted to take his lion to church. In case you are not familiar with the lion I will introduce him to you. Mammy and Pop (Josh's grandma and grandpa) gave Eli the lion for his first Easter. He was soft and cuddly and Eli developed an attachment that I had not expected. Sarah has never become attached to any stuffed animal or blaklet (as she would say) so I had not experienced the life or death situation of keeping up with a stuffed animal. The lion used to be soft and a pretty golden color and had a decorative bow around its neck. Now...it's just nasty. But Eli loves him dearly and I know that I will be sleeping with the lion for years after Eli moves out. Anyway, Eli told me that the lion told him he wanted to go to church. I had stripped him of the glove and the hat so I thought the least I could do was let him bring the lion to church if the lion had really expressed such a desire. (And no, after three years with our family the lion still does not have a name.)
Since we live in the parking lot of the church we obviously walk to church. Remember my dream of holding hands and singing songs? Yeah right! I was kicking rocks out of my new sandals and dragging Kate along. I usually can't keep up with her, but on Sunday mornings when we are running late she likes to stroll and take in the sights. Our church still rings a bell when it is time to start and I promise whoever rang the bell this Sunday did it 5o extra times. We were walking in the door as the bell rang and I just was not in the mood for it. I really wanted to scream "IS THAT NECCESSARY?!?!?" Yes, I am a terrible preacher's wife and this little Sunday morning routine is why I spend at least the first 30 minutes of church praying for forgiveness.
I ended up in the nursery and I have to say I really enjoy watching my babies play with other kids. I'm just fascinated with how kids interact with each other. My Sunday School teacher's granddaughter was visiting and she did not want to stay in the nursery with us. I have quite a few years of nursery experience and have learned to send the parents away as quickly as possible. The babies are always fine after they leave. Eli saw that the little girl was upset and do you know what he did? He offered her his lion. She wasn't having it, but I have to tell you that it did my heart good to see my little man offer his most treasured possession to someone who needed comforting because the lion is what gives him comfort. That living example of "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" made my Sunday morning worth all of the buckling, dressing, ponytail making, and shoe finding!
Okay. Snap out of it! Here's the reality. I NEVER wake up before sunrise, we don't own a patio table or live on the water and Josh and I don't drink coffee. The only thing remotely close to water in our backyard is a sea of garbage that the neighborhood dogs strew across the yard. The truth is that my kids are usually climbing on the kitchen counters scavenging for pop tarts or the highly favored powdered donuts when I come groggily wandering into the living room. Josh is ironing his clothes because I burnt one of his new shirts early in our marriage and he has not asked me to iron for him since. (I promise I didn't do it on purpose, but hey ladies...it worked!)
This past Sunday was no different. Josh leaves early to have prayer with some of the men before church and I turn into the wicked witch of East Mississippi. This Sunday I was looking forward to wearing a new dress and sandals I had bought for our upcoming trip. The problem was the sandals. They buckle. Fortunately I am no longer at the stage in life in which my belly is too big to reach the buckle, but I just could not get the shoe to buckle! I think I may have invented some yoga poses trying to get them on and those poses were most unladylike I might add. In the meantime I was also grabbing Kate who thinks it is fun to climb on things like my bed and then throw herself off. Eli was in his room entering what I call the "wailing and gnashing of teeth" phase. He was also having wardrobe issues and he is now in that wonderful phase where every frustration is worthy of a 30 minute screaming fit. He becomes inconsolable and I become impatient.
The thing is, getting dressed is only half of the battle in my house. Keeping everybody dressed is a whole other issue. Sarah had gotten dressed in a cute aqua and black dress. But then she insisted on wearing a powder blue sweater and it just did not match! So, she had to change into a dress to match the sweater. At the exact second I finished putting Kate's hair into cute little pigtails Eli came around the corner. He was wearing olive khaki pants, an orange polo shirt, cowboy boots, a tan baseball cap with an iguana on it and....a red and black glove on one hand. He argued with me about wearing the glove and I could not for the life of me figure out why my 3 year old felt the need to channel Michael Jackson on a Sunday morning. I was just ready to tell everybody to beat it!!! And yes, Kate had taken her hair down.
After surviving our Sunday morning episode of Project Runway it was almost time to head out. Eli wanted to take his lion to church. In case you are not familiar with the lion I will introduce him to you. Mammy and Pop (Josh's grandma and grandpa) gave Eli the lion for his first Easter. He was soft and cuddly and Eli developed an attachment that I had not expected. Sarah has never become attached to any stuffed animal or blaklet (as she would say) so I had not experienced the life or death situation of keeping up with a stuffed animal. The lion used to be soft and a pretty golden color and had a decorative bow around its neck. Now...it's just nasty. But Eli loves him dearly and I know that I will be sleeping with the lion for years after Eli moves out. Anyway, Eli told me that the lion told him he wanted to go to church. I had stripped him of the glove and the hat so I thought the least I could do was let him bring the lion to church if the lion had really expressed such a desire. (And no, after three years with our family the lion still does not have a name.)
Since we live in the parking lot of the church we obviously walk to church. Remember my dream of holding hands and singing songs? Yeah right! I was kicking rocks out of my new sandals and dragging Kate along. I usually can't keep up with her, but on Sunday mornings when we are running late she likes to stroll and take in the sights. Our church still rings a bell when it is time to start and I promise whoever rang the bell this Sunday did it 5o extra times. We were walking in the door as the bell rang and I just was not in the mood for it. I really wanted to scream "IS THAT NECCESSARY?!?!?" Yes, I am a terrible preacher's wife and this little Sunday morning routine is why I spend at least the first 30 minutes of church praying for forgiveness.
I ended up in the nursery and I have to say I really enjoy watching my babies play with other kids. I'm just fascinated with how kids interact with each other. My Sunday School teacher's granddaughter was visiting and she did not want to stay in the nursery with us. I have quite a few years of nursery experience and have learned to send the parents away as quickly as possible. The babies are always fine after they leave. Eli saw that the little girl was upset and do you know what he did? He offered her his lion. She wasn't having it, but I have to tell you that it did my heart good to see my little man offer his most treasured possession to someone who needed comforting because the lion is what gives him comfort. That living example of "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" made my Sunday morning worth all of the buckling, dressing, ponytail making, and shoe finding!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Everything is Brokeded...Again
Back in November I blogged about the time we were having with EVERYTHING we owned breaking. During that time my children had a deep discussion about things being a little "brokeded" or all the way "brokeded". Apparently it is that time again.
First, it was the dryer. Let me tell you about our dryer. My dad got it from a guy he knew who fixed old dryers when we got married. It was actually an old commercial laundry mat dryer and even though we didn't have to pay, I still had to push the change thing in to start it! That dryer had to have been 20 years old when we got it. We knew that the time was coming for a new one. It had gotten to the point that it took about 8 hours to dry one load of clothes. Seriously. One day I am going to write about how my family has personally created the energy crisis in this country, but I'll save that for another day. Anyway, last Thursday that dryer dried it's last load of clothes. It was a good dryer. It hung in there, I'll say that. I'm guessing in the seven years we had it that it dried 5 times more clothes than when it was getting paid at the laundry mat. We had been planning to get a new one as soon as our tax return got here, and that faithful dryer waited until the very week it came to die. Wasn't that thoughtful?
Then, the internet quit working. I was convinced I had just worn it out because I have been online so much lately. I'll be honest. During this time I realized that doing laundry and playing online occupy a huge amount of my life. If just the dryer had died I could've played online without feeling like I should be doing laundry. If just the internet had gone out I might have actually gotten some laundry done.
Josh came home Monday night with a new (used) dryer. It had all kinds of fancy things our other one did not have. Of course this one did not have a change slot. :) I was so impressed that Josh had loaded it in the truck and then was able to get it in the house and unload the old one and set up the new one. I supervised. We recently rented a storage unit because we felt it would be best to pay money to store all of the junk we have rather than going through it and the laundry room looks like a new place! You just don't understand. Before it was our mini garage and it was STUFFED to the max with boxes. We moved into this house the week before Christmas and anything we didn't feel like dealing with we crammed into that room. I am not kidding you when I tell you that I could not fit in the laundry room at the end of my pregnancy. That's bad, y'all!! Well, it got cleaned out and me and the laundry basket can fit in it now. But we hooked up the new dryer and I smelled something burning. I didn't have the heart to tell Josh who had made an hour long trip and then did all of that moving and loading and unloading. But, sure enough, it wasn't drying our clothes either.
He decided he would pack it up and take it back. Thankfully it came with a warranty. Then Josh sat down for a duel with the computer. We have a satellite for our internet and we thought the weather being bad was what was causing the problems, but we figured out it wasn't. The problem was we couldn't figure out what was the problem. I watched Josh adjust and readjust our wireless router and talk to 50 different tech support people. I think I literally saw him beating his head on the couch a few times.
Well, we got the dryer fixed (after Josh reloaded it, made the hour trip to the place and the hour trip back and reloaded it back into the laundry room) and I have been on marathon laundry duty since. I was so excited about my new, clean laundry room that I got a broom and mop organizer to hang on the wall. It wasn't a pretty sight, me trying to get it up there, and I'm thankful that the wall didn't get brokeded, but it's up! I have great dreams of being like those girls on Trading Spaces who can just hang up shelf or throw a piece of furniture together like nobody's business. But...I'm not there. I was so proud of my handiwork and went in the kitchen to get the broom and guess what was in the garbage? My broom. Broken in half. In the time it took me to hang the broom organizer, my kids broke the broom!
I thought I handled all of this pretty well for me, but I'll tell you what did me in. Pencils. You have to understand this about Sarah. She is obsessive compulsive about her pencils. I've never seen anything like it . It has to be sharpened to exactly the point she likes. Well, Josh had come home early to pick up the dryer and I was in the kitchen helping Sarah with her schoolwork. I was trying to erase something and the eraser just flew off the pencil! That was my breaking point! We have 400 pencils in this house and either they won't sharpen right or they don't have an eraser! Is it too much to ask for a decent pencil??? Luckily by that point Josh and I just started cracking up. What else can you do? I was ready to go make a public disturbance but couldn't you see the preacher's wife ending up in jail? "So what made you do it Mrs. Preacher's Wife?" "It was the pencils!! They just didn't work!!"
So...now you know what's been going on at the Fidler house this week. I call them Fidler Fiasco Weeks. Yes, we've had enough to name them. I would have posted some pictures of my new dryer and cleaned up laundry room, but you guessed it...my camera is brokeded. :)
First, it was the dryer. Let me tell you about our dryer. My dad got it from a guy he knew who fixed old dryers when we got married. It was actually an old commercial laundry mat dryer and even though we didn't have to pay, I still had to push the change thing in to start it! That dryer had to have been 20 years old when we got it. We knew that the time was coming for a new one. It had gotten to the point that it took about 8 hours to dry one load of clothes. Seriously. One day I am going to write about how my family has personally created the energy crisis in this country, but I'll save that for another day. Anyway, last Thursday that dryer dried it's last load of clothes. It was a good dryer. It hung in there, I'll say that. I'm guessing in the seven years we had it that it dried 5 times more clothes than when it was getting paid at the laundry mat. We had been planning to get a new one as soon as our tax return got here, and that faithful dryer waited until the very week it came to die. Wasn't that thoughtful?
Then, the internet quit working. I was convinced I had just worn it out because I have been online so much lately. I'll be honest. During this time I realized that doing laundry and playing online occupy a huge amount of my life. If just the dryer had died I could've played online without feeling like I should be doing laundry. If just the internet had gone out I might have actually gotten some laundry done.
Josh came home Monday night with a new (used) dryer. It had all kinds of fancy things our other one did not have. Of course this one did not have a change slot. :) I was so impressed that Josh had loaded it in the truck and then was able to get it in the house and unload the old one and set up the new one. I supervised. We recently rented a storage unit because we felt it would be best to pay money to store all of the junk we have rather than going through it and the laundry room looks like a new place! You just don't understand. Before it was our mini garage and it was STUFFED to the max with boxes. We moved into this house the week before Christmas and anything we didn't feel like dealing with we crammed into that room. I am not kidding you when I tell you that I could not fit in the laundry room at the end of my pregnancy. That's bad, y'all!! Well, it got cleaned out and me and the laundry basket can fit in it now. But we hooked up the new dryer and I smelled something burning. I didn't have the heart to tell Josh who had made an hour long trip and then did all of that moving and loading and unloading. But, sure enough, it wasn't drying our clothes either.
He decided he would pack it up and take it back. Thankfully it came with a warranty. Then Josh sat down for a duel with the computer. We have a satellite for our internet and we thought the weather being bad was what was causing the problems, but we figured out it wasn't. The problem was we couldn't figure out what was the problem. I watched Josh adjust and readjust our wireless router and talk to 50 different tech support people. I think I literally saw him beating his head on the couch a few times.
Well, we got the dryer fixed (after Josh reloaded it, made the hour trip to the place and the hour trip back and reloaded it back into the laundry room) and I have been on marathon laundry duty since. I was so excited about my new, clean laundry room that I got a broom and mop organizer to hang on the wall. It wasn't a pretty sight, me trying to get it up there, and I'm thankful that the wall didn't get brokeded, but it's up! I have great dreams of being like those girls on Trading Spaces who can just hang up shelf or throw a piece of furniture together like nobody's business. But...I'm not there. I was so proud of my handiwork and went in the kitchen to get the broom and guess what was in the garbage? My broom. Broken in half. In the time it took me to hang the broom organizer, my kids broke the broom!
I thought I handled all of this pretty well for me, but I'll tell you what did me in. Pencils. You have to understand this about Sarah. She is obsessive compulsive about her pencils. I've never seen anything like it . It has to be sharpened to exactly the point she likes. Well, Josh had come home early to pick up the dryer and I was in the kitchen helping Sarah with her schoolwork. I was trying to erase something and the eraser just flew off the pencil! That was my breaking point! We have 400 pencils in this house and either they won't sharpen right or they don't have an eraser! Is it too much to ask for a decent pencil??? Luckily by that point Josh and I just started cracking up. What else can you do? I was ready to go make a public disturbance but couldn't you see the preacher's wife ending up in jail? "So what made you do it Mrs. Preacher's Wife?" "It was the pencils!! They just didn't work!!"
So...now you know what's been going on at the Fidler house this week. I call them Fidler Fiasco Weeks. Yes, we've had enough to name them. I would have posted some pictures of my new dryer and cleaned up laundry room, but you guessed it...my camera is brokeded. :)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Counting Down the Days
I've had lots of fun and silliness in my life lately. But, I've also been wrestling with some serious things that I just felt I needed to share.
We're getting ready for our honeymoon! Yay! Josh had just started a new job when we got married and so he couldn't take any time off for a honeymoon. Of course, we didn't care, we were content to finally just get to be together all the time. (Well, except for those pesky work hours. :) ) Anyway, we will be married 8 years in June and we just haven't stopped having babies or moving long enough to get one! We've decided it is time! The excitement in our house is uncontainable. The kids are equally excited because they get to go to Panama City and see the grandparents which equals a week of fun and getting whatever they want!
All of this excitement takes place in 15 days!!!! I know this because the other day I bought little calendars for Sarah and Eli to mark the days instead of asking me 85 times a day when they're going to Panama City! Sarah is such a planner. I promise she is going to be some kind of event coordinator when she grows up. She LIVES for parties and social occassions and she wants to have a plan and discuss it frequently. She did not get this quality from me as I am the worst planner known to mankind, but I have learned to appreciate and am looking forward to her planning our social events when she is old enough! So, the calendar has been right up her alley. She's gone through all of the months and recorded birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We've marked off all of the days from this month that have passed.
Now I get to the serious part that has been on my heart. While I love being excited and looking forward to things to come, I realized how much God has changed me in the last year and a half. You see, my life changed forever on August 28, 2007. At least the way I view the days of my life. That was the day that Baby Kate decided to make her entrance into the world and she was determined to give me all of the drama that my other two birth stories were lacking. She came 4 weeks early, on a day Josh was at school in Jackson (broke down on the side of the road by the way), and unlike my first two babies the epidural did not work. It was also my longest labor which I totally did not expect because these things are supposesd to get faster!
Well, nothing went as planned that day. I suffered from postpartum hemmorage, a very rare complication, and my uterus did not contract back the way it should. I began losing a lot of blood. I thought I was just really tired from labor, but I was also really out of it. Right before the nurse figured out what was going on a nursery nurse came in to tell me that they had taken Kate to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) because her breathing was too rapid. I was already so out of it that I didn't really comprehend what they were telling me. Josh had left to go get the kids and bring them back to the hospital, but my friend Karen had just showed up. She got there just in time for all of the action! Bless her heart, you just don't know what I have put that girl through in our friendship!
I'll save the details, mostly because I was too out of it to remember them! But here is why I share this story. Life could have taken a vary drastic turn for me that day. I really didn't realize how bad the situation was until a couple of months later talking to Karen. Thankfully she understands my need to discuss and analyze and relive things until I can make peace with them. She was in the room when the nurse (who happened to be her aunt!) called the dr. My dr. said that he would be there in 10 minutes and she told him he did not have 10 minutes!! I still praise God for the amazing, experienced nurses I had that day. Karen also said that her aunt who was my nurse told her later that she didn't know how close she came to losing her friend. If I didn't appreciate how much God is in control it would still scare me to think about that day.
That night I wasn't able to see Kate because I wasn't allowed out of bed and Kate had to stay in the NICU. Fortunately, everything turned out just fine with Kate and she is one happy, healthy baby now! I was afraid she would be spoiled rotten from having so much attention from the awesome NICU nurses, but she wasn't!
I'm really not trying to be overdramatic, I just felt so compelled to share with you what God taught me through that experience. I feel that at the age 0f 27 God allowed me to know something that most people don't begin to realize until much later in life. That is the fact that life is precious and we are not promised any more days. They are a gift. We were so blessed that everything was fine with Kate. But Josh and I said many prayers for a family whose baby was in the bed next to Kate. She was very premature and we overheard the dr. discussing the options with the family and none of them sounded like an option I would ever want to have to consider.
Life has a new urgency for me now. I don't take for granted that myself or anyone I love is promised another day. There just is not time to waste. There is no time to accept the status quo from life, no time to be content living in a way that allows me to just get by. I see everyday as an opportunity to live praising and worshipping my heavenly Father and not just that but telling others about Him. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." I want you to know about that mercy. That everyday you can begin with new mercies, a new start.
God has blessed me with a wonderful family, some of the best friends in the world, and too many other things to list. But NOTHING has brought more joy and peace in my life than my relationship with Jesus. NOTHING has had the power to truly change me, to give me the meaning and purpose that we all seek. I love sharing my life with those of you who for some reason find it entertaining to read about. But I cannot go another day with making sure that I have told you the most important news you will ever hear.
Romans 10:9-10 says, "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead , you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."
You may wonder what you need to be saved from. In our culture and society we have been brainwashed into believing that sin doesn't exist, that we are all basically good. It's just not true! I'm not judging anybody, I'm just stating the facts. Romans 3:23 says, "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The truth is that no human is capable of being good enough compared to God's standards. NOBODY! Not Billy Graham, not Oprah. It does not matter how many good works you do. None of us deserves the new mercies God offers everyday.
The Good News is that God knew that and He sent a sacrifice to pay for our sins. My absolute favorite verse is Romans 5:8. "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Do you see that? While we were still sinners Christ died for us. He didn't wait for us to be good enough because it would never happen. But He saw who we would be if we would accept Him and allow Him to change us for His glory.
Romans 8:16-17 tells us, "The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together." We become children of God and His heirs! How amazing is that? I won't try to sell you that lie that many TV preachers do and tell you that asking Jesus into your heart means all of your problems will disappear and everything will be perfect. If you've observed my life long enough you know that is not true. But I will say that I have enjoyed suffering with Jesus more than I ever enjoyed just floating through life with no meaning and purpose.
There would have been a time that I would have apologized for being so bold. But I'm not going to apologize. God literally saved my life and while I appreciate the opportunity to be around and raise my children and support my husband, I wholeheartedly believe that I am still here to testify to the Power of God. I can't make anyone believe or accept anything. But I do have to make sure you know!
I'm still looking forward to my honeymoon. But I'm not marking off days. There is too much life to be lived in those 15 days. Please don't accept that life is an event to be survived until we die and hope that something good happens every few months or so. In John 10:10 Jesus tells us, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." Let Jesus give you that abundant life. Start seeking to make the most of those days, not just mark them off.
We're getting ready for our honeymoon! Yay! Josh had just started a new job when we got married and so he couldn't take any time off for a honeymoon. Of course, we didn't care, we were content to finally just get to be together all the time. (Well, except for those pesky work hours. :) ) Anyway, we will be married 8 years in June and we just haven't stopped having babies or moving long enough to get one! We've decided it is time! The excitement in our house is uncontainable. The kids are equally excited because they get to go to Panama City and see the grandparents which equals a week of fun and getting whatever they want!
All of this excitement takes place in 15 days!!!! I know this because the other day I bought little calendars for Sarah and Eli to mark the days instead of asking me 85 times a day when they're going to Panama City! Sarah is such a planner. I promise she is going to be some kind of event coordinator when she grows up. She LIVES for parties and social occassions and she wants to have a plan and discuss it frequently. She did not get this quality from me as I am the worst planner known to mankind, but I have learned to appreciate and am looking forward to her planning our social events when she is old enough! So, the calendar has been right up her alley. She's gone through all of the months and recorded birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. We've marked off all of the days from this month that have passed.
Now I get to the serious part that has been on my heart. While I love being excited and looking forward to things to come, I realized how much God has changed me in the last year and a half. You see, my life changed forever on August 28, 2007. At least the way I view the days of my life. That was the day that Baby Kate decided to make her entrance into the world and she was determined to give me all of the drama that my other two birth stories were lacking. She came 4 weeks early, on a day Josh was at school in Jackson (broke down on the side of the road by the way), and unlike my first two babies the epidural did not work. It was also my longest labor which I totally did not expect because these things are supposesd to get faster!
Well, nothing went as planned that day. I suffered from postpartum hemmorage, a very rare complication, and my uterus did not contract back the way it should. I began losing a lot of blood. I thought I was just really tired from labor, but I was also really out of it. Right before the nurse figured out what was going on a nursery nurse came in to tell me that they had taken Kate to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) because her breathing was too rapid. I was already so out of it that I didn't really comprehend what they were telling me. Josh had left to go get the kids and bring them back to the hospital, but my friend Karen had just showed up. She got there just in time for all of the action! Bless her heart, you just don't know what I have put that girl through in our friendship!
I'll save the details, mostly because I was too out of it to remember them! But here is why I share this story. Life could have taken a vary drastic turn for me that day. I really didn't realize how bad the situation was until a couple of months later talking to Karen. Thankfully she understands my need to discuss and analyze and relive things until I can make peace with them. She was in the room when the nurse (who happened to be her aunt!) called the dr. My dr. said that he would be there in 10 minutes and she told him he did not have 10 minutes!! I still praise God for the amazing, experienced nurses I had that day. Karen also said that her aunt who was my nurse told her later that she didn't know how close she came to losing her friend. If I didn't appreciate how much God is in control it would still scare me to think about that day.
That night I wasn't able to see Kate because I wasn't allowed out of bed and Kate had to stay in the NICU. Fortunately, everything turned out just fine with Kate and she is one happy, healthy baby now! I was afraid she would be spoiled rotten from having so much attention from the awesome NICU nurses, but she wasn't!
I'm really not trying to be overdramatic, I just felt so compelled to share with you what God taught me through that experience. I feel that at the age 0f 27 God allowed me to know something that most people don't begin to realize until much later in life. That is the fact that life is precious and we are not promised any more days. They are a gift. We were so blessed that everything was fine with Kate. But Josh and I said many prayers for a family whose baby was in the bed next to Kate. She was very premature and we overheard the dr. discussing the options with the family and none of them sounded like an option I would ever want to have to consider.
Life has a new urgency for me now. I don't take for granted that myself or anyone I love is promised another day. There just is not time to waste. There is no time to accept the status quo from life, no time to be content living in a way that allows me to just get by. I see everyday as an opportunity to live praising and worshipping my heavenly Father and not just that but telling others about Him. Lamentations 3:22-23 says, "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness." I want you to know about that mercy. That everyday you can begin with new mercies, a new start.
God has blessed me with a wonderful family, some of the best friends in the world, and too many other things to list. But NOTHING has brought more joy and peace in my life than my relationship with Jesus. NOTHING has had the power to truly change me, to give me the meaning and purpose that we all seek. I love sharing my life with those of you who for some reason find it entertaining to read about. But I cannot go another day with making sure that I have told you the most important news you will ever hear.
Romans 10:9-10 says, "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead , you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."
You may wonder what you need to be saved from. In our culture and society we have been brainwashed into believing that sin doesn't exist, that we are all basically good. It's just not true! I'm not judging anybody, I'm just stating the facts. Romans 3:23 says, "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The truth is that no human is capable of being good enough compared to God's standards. NOBODY! Not Billy Graham, not Oprah. It does not matter how many good works you do. None of us deserves the new mercies God offers everyday.
The Good News is that God knew that and He sent a sacrifice to pay for our sins. My absolute favorite verse is Romans 5:8. "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us." Do you see that? While we were still sinners Christ died for us. He didn't wait for us to be good enough because it would never happen. But He saw who we would be if we would accept Him and allow Him to change us for His glory.
Romans 8:16-17 tells us, "The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together." We become children of God and His heirs! How amazing is that? I won't try to sell you that lie that many TV preachers do and tell you that asking Jesus into your heart means all of your problems will disappear and everything will be perfect. If you've observed my life long enough you know that is not true. But I will say that I have enjoyed suffering with Jesus more than I ever enjoyed just floating through life with no meaning and purpose.
There would have been a time that I would have apologized for being so bold. But I'm not going to apologize. God literally saved my life and while I appreciate the opportunity to be around and raise my children and support my husband, I wholeheartedly believe that I am still here to testify to the Power of God. I can't make anyone believe or accept anything. But I do have to make sure you know!
I'm still looking forward to my honeymoon. But I'm not marking off days. There is too much life to be lived in those 15 days. Please don't accept that life is an event to be survived until we die and hope that something good happens every few months or so. In John 10:10 Jesus tells us, "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." Let Jesus give you that abundant life. Start seeking to make the most of those days, not just mark them off.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Play Ball!!!
Last Friday night was Eli's first T-ball practice. It was an exciting day as Eli has been waiting all 3 (almost 4) years of his life to play ball! Josh is coaching (because he is not busy enough working full-time, pastoring a church, and going to school) :) so Eli got to pick the team name. They are The Little Tigers. Their colors will be orange and blue. Yes, I too am shocked that Josh would CHOOSE orange and blue (Gator colors!!!) but he said that tiger teams are always blue and orange. He really loves Eli, huh? I had just started my anitbiotics and was a little worn out from my day of world travel and waxing (see My Day of Beauty) and I just didn't feel up to chasing Kate around the ballfield. But never fear! I got pics before and after! Here are the pics the grandparents have all been waiting for......
Sarah is such an awesome big sister. She immediately went into cheerleader mode and decided that Eli needed a sign to cheer him on! :)
Eli with his cheerleaders. I'm pretty sure he's the only one who showed up with his own (very cute!) cheering section!!!!!!!
This is what was happening back at the house. Yes, this is my child, buck nekded, (as Eli would say) on a table. I was not quick enough with a new pull-up and there were TWO Sonic cups to get a hold of . Way too much temptation!!
Well, as you can see, it was an exhausting practice. It wore everybody slap out.
Even the cheerleaders!!!!!!For the record, we had been really excited about Eli making some new friends who are boys because where we live he is SURROUNDED by girls. There just aren't any little boys his age around here. So when he got home I asked if he made any new friends. He shook his head yes (like a boy who won't give details). Then Sarah (being the girl who wants to dish) told me he made friends with a little girl name Elizabeth. Go figure!!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Rooster Update
Oh dear. It is seriously scandalous I am homeschooling my child. I just googled "Where do roosters come from?" (yes, I DO need a life!!!!) and it turns out roosters come from hen eggs. Roosters don't lay eggs b/c they are boys, but they do come from eggs.
I'm smarter than Josh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Don't I wish!)
I hope that this has been as informative for all of you as it has been for me. For the record...while googling I found no mention of curtains. :)
I'm smarter than Josh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Don't I wish!)
I hope that this has been as informative for all of you as it has been for me. For the record...while googling I found no mention of curtains. :)
So Which Came First?
WARNING: After reading this you will know just how dumb I am.
Okay, so tonight at supper Eli started his new favorite game. That would be asking "Where do grapes come from? Where does chicken come from?" So and so forth until I really have no appetite after discussing the poor fate of whatever animal I am eating. Anway, tonight we went from chickens to roosters and Eli wanted to know where they come from. Like a good mom I told him they come from eggs. Josh gave me the look he's always given me when tutoring me in math. The look that says "Are you sure about that answer?" And of course I never am because Josh is way smarter than me in every way. So I asked "Roosters come from eggs don't they?" Thankfully Josh is very sweet and does not gloat over the fact that he is way smarter than me and said no, that roosters did not come from eggs. How did I not know that?????
Well, I had to correct myself and tell Eli that they do not come from eggs. He said "I know!!" I said "You knew that too?" To which he answered, "They come from curtains!!!!!"
So there you go. I leave you with this question? Which came first? The rooster or the curtain????
Okay, so tonight at supper Eli started his new favorite game. That would be asking "Where do grapes come from? Where does chicken come from?" So and so forth until I really have no appetite after discussing the poor fate of whatever animal I am eating. Anway, tonight we went from chickens to roosters and Eli wanted to know where they come from. Like a good mom I told him they come from eggs. Josh gave me the look he's always given me when tutoring me in math. The look that says "Are you sure about that answer?" And of course I never am because Josh is way smarter than me in every way. So I asked "Roosters come from eggs don't they?" Thankfully Josh is very sweet and does not gloat over the fact that he is way smarter than me and said no, that roosters did not come from eggs. How did I not know that?????
Well, I had to correct myself and tell Eli that they do not come from eggs. He said "I know!!" I said "You knew that too?" To which he answered, "They come from curtains!!!!!"
So there you go. I leave you with this question? Which came first? The rooster or the curtain????
Friday, March 6, 2009
My Day of Beauty
As I mentioned in my last blog I have had a very uneventful week at home sick. I had read all of my library books, googled every website known to mankind, and watched all of my CSI:Miami Season 6 DVD's. So....like I said, it's been pretty uneventful. And, since I was up until 5:00 this morning!!!!!!!!!! because my side hurt every time I laid down I decided maybe it was time to head to the doctor. Josh had planned to be at home today to work on sermons so by the time I rolled out of bed and threw my nappy hair into a clip I headed out for the after hours clinic in Bay Springs. It was SOOOO nice today and I really wanted to be going for a walk and was really kicking myself for not going to the dr. earlier in the week and getting better.
I pulled up and there was a parking lot of people. Yay. I was so thrilled to go expose myself to the multitude of germs that awaited. :) Well, the receptionist looked like she had already had a day and I noticed there was a sign that said they would not be accepting any more patients until after 1:00. Great. I then decided I would go drop off our library books. Sarah just got her first library card and the library has become our favorite hangout. We really missed it this week. We are allowed 10 items from the library at a time on our cards and Sarah feels like me that we should get 10 items everytime we go! So, I had an ARMFUL of books and movies to drop off. I found a way to position them and made my way to the door. What did the sign say? They didn't open until 1:00 today. I made a mental note that if I had to go back to work I wanted a job at the library and hauled my books back to the jeep. I started debating. It was about 11:15. I didn't want to go home just to turn back around. I needed to go get measured for my bridesmaid dress for my sister in law's wedding. I was looking and feeling like the 11th plague, but I figured this might be my only alone time out of the house before I had to have the measurements to her. So, I ventured on to Laurel.
Now, let me stop here and tell you that I cannot think of anything more humiliating than going into a fancy dress shop where all of the salespeople are dressed to the nines and have perfect hair and makeup and having a complete stranger take your measurements. Although, having someone you KNOW may be equally or far more humiliating. That is like when my sister worked at a tanning salon and spray tanned me for her wedding because I was 7 months pregnant and could not tan. I know I could not let a stranger do that, but at the same time I am sure Jenny had horrific nightmares of my blessed belly for months. But...I digress. Anyway, back to feeling humiliated did I also mention that I had taken no time to get ready, had no make-up and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt? I actually passed a pick-up truck on the side of the road where they were selling perfume and I thought about stopping. But I didn't.
Well I got to the dress shop and it actually wasn't too bad. There was another lady in jeans and a t-shirt so I didn't feel so bad. The lady made me stand in front of a full length mirror which I do not understand. I guess it was so I could have a visual of the abysmal measurements she was writing down. It also gave me the chance to see a bleach spot on my t-shirt. Not a big one, just big enough to say "I have no self pride and don't even look at myself before I leave the house." :) It was pretty quick and painless until I got out of the store and looked at the paper. As my friend Shelly says, "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!" I can never remember what "normal" measurements are and I was trying to remember that Baby got Back song when he says the measurements. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, all I could think when I saw my hip measurement is that Mr. Sir Mix-A-Lot would probably consider me quite the overacheiver!!
After vowing not to eat for the next 3 months I realized I still had a little bit of time before the magical 1:00 hour when the clinic and the library would come to life. On my way I had noticed a Sally Beauty supply store but as I was sitting there I noticed something even more glorious across the street. A Walgreens! Please do not ask what my deal is with drugstores. I truly do not know. I do know that when I check out I become convinced I need a 12 step program. And...it is March! I love March! It is just so exciting to me when the weather starts to change and spring is on the way. So how do I celebrate every year? With new make-up of course! So I spent a few minutes at Walgreens. I was proud to realize that I have gained a great deal of self-control in the last few years, mainly due to the fact that I've finally learned there are some beauty issues that they just don't make products for!! I did get a new mascara and nail polish. That is also a sign of spring. I get very lazy about painting my toenails during the winter so it is like a rite of passage to get my new toenail polish for sandal season!
When I left I decided to bite the bullet and go get my eyebrows waxed. It was way overdue and my time out of the house alone is about as rare as finding something that's not fried on a Mississippi menu. I figured I was already feeling bad, might as well just suffer through it all at once. :) Can I just say that sometimes it stinks being a girl and especially a girl with dark hair? Let's face it, blonde girls can get away less grooming. They just can. That's why blondes have more fun! They don't have to get waxed as much!! The girl put the wax on and as soon as she did I knew it. I could feel it. I was thinking, 'Isn't that half of my eyebrow?' She gave me the mirror to see after she was done but what can you say? At that point it is done. Do you demand her to put it back? Ask her to go ahead and take all of it and get intensive lessons in penciling in eyebrows? What can you do? I was just glad it was on the side that my bangs lay. Praise God for small mercies, right? No, there will be no pictures with this post. There will probably be no pics of me for quite a while!!
On my way home I started thinking about my "day of beauty". I know I've blogged about seeking that inner beauty and the beauty that only comes from our Lord. But I gotta tell ya, sometimes I wish the plain old physical kind was easier to come by! I was raised by a true southern belle. I don't think I saw my mama without make-up until I was like 10. Seriously. Mississippi girls don't do the dishes without lipstick on do you hear me? My mom is beautiful and I have a drop dead gorgeous sister who has done modeling and was blessed with all of the fashion sense between us. She always has the cutets outfits and the best hair. I have struggled to overcome my jeans, t-shirts and ponytail ways. I've always wanted to be one of those perfectly manicured, meticulously dressed, look like they just walked out of the salon people. Of course the people who walk out of the salon with both of their eyebrows!! :) I blame my lazy fashion ways on growing up a dancer. I had a dance class at school, and band practice after school and then usually another dance class after that. While going through the shed at my parent's house I found one of my dance team t-shirts and my brother said "You lived in that" and it is so true! I also was never allowed to have fingernail polish on the dance team. Even though we wore hideous white gloves when we performed we still got checked at every game. For real, y'all!!
So, now I've traded my dancing shoes for tennis shoes as I run errands and do chores. I choose my clothes based on what I will not have to iron and what will hide baby drool and apple juice the best. I continually have the best intentions about keeping my nails painted and my lipstick on. My poor husband! I guess I have learned that when you go days without makeup living in jeans and a t-shirt you definitely get noticed for even the smallest attempt made! I like to set the bar low!!! I am a total candidate for "What Not to Wear" and please, somebody feel free to nominate me! Just DON'T ASK FOR MY MEASUREMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
I pulled up and there was a parking lot of people. Yay. I was so thrilled to go expose myself to the multitude of germs that awaited. :) Well, the receptionist looked like she had already had a day and I noticed there was a sign that said they would not be accepting any more patients until after 1:00. Great. I then decided I would go drop off our library books. Sarah just got her first library card and the library has become our favorite hangout. We really missed it this week. We are allowed 10 items from the library at a time on our cards and Sarah feels like me that we should get 10 items everytime we go! So, I had an ARMFUL of books and movies to drop off. I found a way to position them and made my way to the door. What did the sign say? They didn't open until 1:00 today. I made a mental note that if I had to go back to work I wanted a job at the library and hauled my books back to the jeep. I started debating. It was about 11:15. I didn't want to go home just to turn back around. I needed to go get measured for my bridesmaid dress for my sister in law's wedding. I was looking and feeling like the 11th plague, but I figured this might be my only alone time out of the house before I had to have the measurements to her. So, I ventured on to Laurel.
Now, let me stop here and tell you that I cannot think of anything more humiliating than going into a fancy dress shop where all of the salespeople are dressed to the nines and have perfect hair and makeup and having a complete stranger take your measurements. Although, having someone you KNOW may be equally or far more humiliating. That is like when my sister worked at a tanning salon and spray tanned me for her wedding because I was 7 months pregnant and could not tan. I know I could not let a stranger do that, but at the same time I am sure Jenny had horrific nightmares of my blessed belly for months. But...I digress. Anyway, back to feeling humiliated did I also mention that I had taken no time to get ready, had no make-up and was wearing jeans and a t-shirt? I actually passed a pick-up truck on the side of the road where they were selling perfume and I thought about stopping. But I didn't.
Well I got to the dress shop and it actually wasn't too bad. There was another lady in jeans and a t-shirt so I didn't feel so bad. The lady made me stand in front of a full length mirror which I do not understand. I guess it was so I could have a visual of the abysmal measurements she was writing down. It also gave me the chance to see a bleach spot on my t-shirt. Not a big one, just big enough to say "I have no self pride and don't even look at myself before I leave the house." :) It was pretty quick and painless until I got out of the store and looked at the paper. As my friend Shelly says, "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!!!" I can never remember what "normal" measurements are and I was trying to remember that Baby got Back song when he says the measurements. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, all I could think when I saw my hip measurement is that Mr. Sir Mix-A-Lot would probably consider me quite the overacheiver!!
After vowing not to eat for the next 3 months I realized I still had a little bit of time before the magical 1:00 hour when the clinic and the library would come to life. On my way I had noticed a Sally Beauty supply store but as I was sitting there I noticed something even more glorious across the street. A Walgreens! Please do not ask what my deal is with drugstores. I truly do not know. I do know that when I check out I become convinced I need a 12 step program. And...it is March! I love March! It is just so exciting to me when the weather starts to change and spring is on the way. So how do I celebrate every year? With new make-up of course! So I spent a few minutes at Walgreens. I was proud to realize that I have gained a great deal of self-control in the last few years, mainly due to the fact that I've finally learned there are some beauty issues that they just don't make products for!! I did get a new mascara and nail polish. That is also a sign of spring. I get very lazy about painting my toenails during the winter so it is like a rite of passage to get my new toenail polish for sandal season!
When I left I decided to bite the bullet and go get my eyebrows waxed. It was way overdue and my time out of the house alone is about as rare as finding something that's not fried on a Mississippi menu. I figured I was already feeling bad, might as well just suffer through it all at once. :) Can I just say that sometimes it stinks being a girl and especially a girl with dark hair? Let's face it, blonde girls can get away less grooming. They just can. That's why blondes have more fun! They don't have to get waxed as much!! The girl put the wax on and as soon as she did I knew it. I could feel it. I was thinking, 'Isn't that half of my eyebrow?' She gave me the mirror to see after she was done but what can you say? At that point it is done. Do you demand her to put it back? Ask her to go ahead and take all of it and get intensive lessons in penciling in eyebrows? What can you do? I was just glad it was on the side that my bangs lay. Praise God for small mercies, right? No, there will be no pictures with this post. There will probably be no pics of me for quite a while!!
On my way home I started thinking about my "day of beauty". I know I've blogged about seeking that inner beauty and the beauty that only comes from our Lord. But I gotta tell ya, sometimes I wish the plain old physical kind was easier to come by! I was raised by a true southern belle. I don't think I saw my mama without make-up until I was like 10. Seriously. Mississippi girls don't do the dishes without lipstick on do you hear me? My mom is beautiful and I have a drop dead gorgeous sister who has done modeling and was blessed with all of the fashion sense between us. She always has the cutets outfits and the best hair. I have struggled to overcome my jeans, t-shirts and ponytail ways. I've always wanted to be one of those perfectly manicured, meticulously dressed, look like they just walked out of the salon people. Of course the people who walk out of the salon with both of their eyebrows!! :) I blame my lazy fashion ways on growing up a dancer. I had a dance class at school, and band practice after school and then usually another dance class after that. While going through the shed at my parent's house I found one of my dance team t-shirts and my brother said "You lived in that" and it is so true! I also was never allowed to have fingernail polish on the dance team. Even though we wore hideous white gloves when we performed we still got checked at every game. For real, y'all!!
So, now I've traded my dancing shoes for tennis shoes as I run errands and do chores. I choose my clothes based on what I will not have to iron and what will hide baby drool and apple juice the best. I continually have the best intentions about keeping my nails painted and my lipstick on. My poor husband! I guess I have learned that when you go days without makeup living in jeans and a t-shirt you definitely get noticed for even the smallest attempt made! I like to set the bar low!!! I am a total candidate for "What Not to Wear" and please, somebody feel free to nominate me! Just DON'T ASK FOR MY MEASUREMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Thinking....
I think too much. It's a problem I've always suffered from. Now, granted, I did not say that I have deep, life changing thoughts. I just think too much. Sometimes I do ponder theological debates. Sometimes I visually repaint rooms in my house and decide what throw pillows would match. And sometimes I think I'm hungry. If you conversate with me regularly you know that this pattern of thoughts comes across in my conversation and it moves quickly. I will never claim to be the most focused of people.
That's why I'm up tonight. Thinking. There are always so many things to think about. I truly do not understand when people say they are bored because I literally am entertained by my own thoughts on a constant basis. I've been sick this past week, not dangerously deathly ill, just sick enough to have nothing else to do but think. That IS dangerous and I really struggle when I feel bad physically because for some reason it always gets me so down in other ways.
A familiar struggle is the universal "What is my purpose? Why am I here?" question. I often struggle with this question and wondering what God's plan for me entails. I have tried to adjust to the fact that He so far has chosen to reveal His plan to me one little jigsaw piece of the puzzle at a time. And...I know that it is best. If when God had first called me to ministry at the age of 15 He had revealed to me that I would be a preacher's wife living in the parking lot of a church in the middle of nowhere and have three kids I probably would have immediately signed up to study abroad and would have RUN!!!!! Not that I don't love my life or that I would trade it for anything, I just know that God has slowly had to prepare me for each step of life. Not only that, but He has gotten the glory all along the way (I hope!).
And yet, even though we have been through this so many times, I still wonder. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I serving God the best I can? Is there something I'm missing? Most likely this excessive self-analysis can be attributed to too many sick days with not enough socialization :). But, I also know that it is necessary. I know that it is when I stop questioning or stop caring that it becomes very easy to slip through the carefully woven plan God has.
I am taking peace now in a verse that I feel speaks what my purpose and my promise will always be.
"You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy." Psalm 16:11
As long as we seek God He is faithful to show us the path. And no matter what specific calling God places on our life we have fullness of joy when we are in His presence. He simply wants us to seek Him, to worship Him and to find our joy in Him. That is something to think about!!
That's why I'm up tonight. Thinking. There are always so many things to think about. I truly do not understand when people say they are bored because I literally am entertained by my own thoughts on a constant basis. I've been sick this past week, not dangerously deathly ill, just sick enough to have nothing else to do but think. That IS dangerous and I really struggle when I feel bad physically because for some reason it always gets me so down in other ways.
A familiar struggle is the universal "What is my purpose? Why am I here?" question. I often struggle with this question and wondering what God's plan for me entails. I have tried to adjust to the fact that He so far has chosen to reveal His plan to me one little jigsaw piece of the puzzle at a time. And...I know that it is best. If when God had first called me to ministry at the age of 15 He had revealed to me that I would be a preacher's wife living in the parking lot of a church in the middle of nowhere and have three kids I probably would have immediately signed up to study abroad and would have RUN!!!!! Not that I don't love my life or that I would trade it for anything, I just know that God has slowly had to prepare me for each step of life. Not only that, but He has gotten the glory all along the way (I hope!).
And yet, even though we have been through this so many times, I still wonder. Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I serving God the best I can? Is there something I'm missing? Most likely this excessive self-analysis can be attributed to too many sick days with not enough socialization :). But, I also know that it is necessary. I know that it is when I stop questioning or stop caring that it becomes very easy to slip through the carefully woven plan God has.
I am taking peace now in a verse that I feel speaks what my purpose and my promise will always be.
"You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy." Psalm 16:11
As long as we seek God He is faithful to show us the path. And no matter what specific calling God places on our life we have fullness of joy when we are in His presence. He simply wants us to seek Him, to worship Him and to find our joy in Him. That is something to think about!!
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