My New Fashion Trend...

*This is a true story. Every.last.word. But for the sake of my sanity and my social life, let's pretend it's not.

I left y'all with the news that I almost burnt our house down last Sunday night. Turns out, that would be prophetic for what I would want to do by the end of the week. Grab a chair and a hazmat suit and I will tell you all about my week.

Monday- I was still feeling pretty crummy, but trying to pull myself together as I had to work that night. And while spotting girls in a tumbling class doesn't require a ton of skill, it does require a ton of strength and energy. I had been running low on both. I survived though and went home and had a nice supper with the fam. Josh has been so awesome about making sure I stick with my diet and cooking for me on the nights that we would be likely to just want to grab something. All was well until Eli started complaining of a stomachache. We started the bedtime routine and he went to use the bathroom and I just happened to walk by in time to see (because 6 year old boys do not require privacy in the bathroom) him projectile vomiting. Awesome. I was just thankful it happened on the tile floor and not the carpet in his bedroom. Thankfully, this was a one time occurrence.


Tuesday- Eli talked his way into staying home from school, but did NOT act sick. In fact, he was running laps through the house. We already had plans to have friends over for dinner that night and I debated cancelling, but since it only happened once I convinced myself it was just something he had eaten. We spent the day cleaning and preparing for our guests. That night we had fajitas and great conversation with a special couple who will probably never speak to us again, or at the least will avoid our house like the plague. But the night itself was the highlight of our week. :)

Wednesday- I was feeling so good Wednesday. The best I have felt in over a month. I felt alive again. I put on make-up and fixed my hair. I went to pick Kate up at school and took her to have a picnic at the park while we waited for her dentist appointment. It was a gorgeous day. We had just enough time to eat and play. I took Kate to the dentist and it was a quick visit. As we were waiting to pay I noticed something that would change the course of the entire week. LICE!!!!! Oh.my.word. We went straight home and to the bathtub. Kate had been fighting a cold and was already pretty miserable.

*I have to stop here and back up. A week after Christmas we had this same problem. It turned into an all day and night marathon and I got a new vacuum cleaner out of the deal. I also googled until I became an expert on this subject. My children and I sat around for hours with mayonnaise and plastic bags on our heads. Our doorbell rang 40 times that day. As I was getting ready to wash and comb everybody's heads, Josh informed that one of our puppies that we gave away was being fought over in a custody  battle and the police might be by to talk to him. Seriously? I cannot say it enough, these things only happen to me!!!! At one point I thought the police officer had gotten there and I locked me and 3 kids into our tiny bathroom.  Later I found out Josh was talking on the phone with him. Lucky for that policeman.*

So, I share all of that to say that I now consider myself an expert and went into action. I really debated sharing this information as I figure I will lose all friends and social acquaintances, but I have written about so many aspects of motherhood that I felt this was one I just couldn't pretend didn't happen. Not too long after our first experience we watched "I Don't Know How She Does It", and there was a lice scene that made me laugh and also want to hold her and cry. But of course, not touch heads. If you have boys, the lice solution is simple, shave their heads. That's what Josh and Eli did. While they did that I smothered mine and the girls LONG, THICK, AND CURLY (kate) hair with mayo and wrapped our heads in Wal-Mart bags and shower caps. There are no words for how ridiculous we looked, but I read that suffocating the lice is one of the most sure fire ways to kill them. I won't lie, I was secretly thinking 'Die, you ugly bugs. Suffocate! Suffer!'  If you've had lice, you understand. You leave it on your head as long as humanly possible while you vacuum everything you own that is not being  washed. There are no words to explain what the laundry situation has been like in this house. None.

Kate was running fever that day and cried and whined the entire time I washed her hair and combed it. Combing is key y'all.  You have to comb that hair for HOURS. Anyway, after I covered our furniture in sheets she laid down and passed out.  Then, she woke up and we got to wash and comb all over again. You can't imagine the fun we've had in this house. Eli came home from church (of course this happened on a Wednesday) and announced that he had told everyone we had lice. Thanks Eli.

Thursday- We kept the kids home to treat again. I colored my hair because I read that that will kill them too and I needed to cover some grays anyway. Especially after this week. That afternoon I headed to dance (the girls did not) and when I got there a crowd was already waiting. A new girl was starting and her little brother was having a massive nose bleed. I was trying to get in the door, get my skirt and shoes on, get paper towels for the nose bleed, find shoes for the new girl and calm down my other ballerinas who were extra hyper. We managed to start class and before long the phone was ringing off the hook. Barbie had decided to take the day off and my assistant didn't show up. Normally I just let the phone ring and go to the answering machine if I'm teaching, but we had been under severe weather watches and I was worried someone might be calling about that. They were. Several moms called to ask if we were cancelling classes due to the weather.  I felt like I needed to talk to Barbie first, so I told them to call back later. I couldn't get a hold of Barbie. So many moms called that I just made the decision to cancel my last two classes. That meant calling everybody. I couldn't remember the password to get into the computer to get phone numbers. By this point my second class was getting there and I still didn't have an assistant. I finally remembered where the registration forms were filed and started going through them looking for numbers. I put a 6 year old in charge of stretching out the girls. It was desperate times y'all. The sky kept getting darker and parents started coming in the middle of the class to get their kids. By the end I had two girls left and when one of their moms got their she told me a tornado had been spotted on the Cape, which was about 10 minutes from us. I ushered the girls out and hauled booty home. I remembered later that I had left the computer on. I apologized to Barbie the next time I saw her and she told me she didn't know what had happened. I left the computer, A/C and the stereo on, and there was blood in the bathroom!!!!!! The nosebleed! I had never even had time to go in the bathroom. I told her it must have been like a scene out of CSI. She said she didn't know what those parents had done to me!!!

Friday-4:00am I woke up feeling terrible. Kate was in the bed with us snoring like crazy. My stomach was killing me. I moved to the couch and for some reason Sarah and Eli were already in the living room. I laid down and tried to watch TV to forget that I felt like I was DYING. Then, it happened. The puking. Eli asked me what I was spitting up. I wanted to say, "I don't know son, would you like me to send it off to a lab?" It finally stopped, but it was official, I was camped on the couch for the day. A few hours later I was on the phone with my sister and Kate was sitting in the recliner. She started saying her stomach hurt and before I could get off of the couch, she was projectile vomiting. By Friday night I was in tears asking Josh if he thought I was still a Christian and I was questioning the meaning of life. Did I mention Friday marked my 6th day caffeine free? My Mamaw had come into town the Friday night before and I still had not seen her due to the fact that apparently my house is a CDC petri dish.

I woke up Saturday feeling like a new woman and I told Josh that if I had to take a barf bag and wear a shower cap, I was getting out of the house!!!! We had a fun, busy weekend and life was beginning to feel normal again. Today we went and voted. Tonight, Josh is in the bed. Yep, it's his turn. I'm just going to go bathe in Lysol and sleep with a surgical mask on. If I were you, I'd just be glad you are only a "blogging friend" and not someone who has had physical contact with us. Get on your knees and thank God. And, if you are someone who has had physical contact with us, God bless you. It was nice knowing you. I totally understand if you never want to come within 30 feet of us. And if you do, dress appropriately.

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