Who You Lookin' At?

The lights in dressing rooms are cruel, aren't they? You would think that stores would figure out ways to make you look better so you would feel more obligated to buy something other than an exercise DVD. I was a little (or a lot) disappointed this week as I tried on some clothes. Thanks to the stomach bug and a diet that makes me look forward to raisins as a sweet treat, I am now a number on the scale and a size in clothes I never dared dream I would see again. You would think I would be excited. I thought I would be too. But I wasn't. I don't look like I did the last time I was this number. I'm saggy. And cellulitey. Is that a word? I tried to make myself look at the overall picture instead of focusing on my problem area(s) and that helped some. I looked okay. But I didn't look like.....who was I trying to look like anyway? It was in that moment that I realized I wasn't as upset with how I looked as I was with who I don't look like. As in, I don't look like a supermodel. Newsflash, right?

The truth is, I have slowly come to accept that my body has birthed 3 children and as my sister would say, I fully abused the privilege of pregnancy. :)  I pushed calorie counts to places they should never go and gave the phrase  "sedentary lifestyle" new meaning.  I have the scars and stretch marks to prove it. It's not pretty. But they are very visual reminders of the struggle that took place as my body made room for new life. I recently came across the website "The Shape of A Mother" (Disclaimer: There are pictures of a graphic nature and I do not agree with or condone all thoughts and feelings shared on the website) and I have read stories of so many women struggling to come to grips with their new post-baby bodies. And despite the fact that there are pictures and proof that some women do seem to bounce back perfectly, the fact is that after having babies you are forever changed. If not physically, in every other way. But the statement I read over and over was, I would never trade my baby to have that body back.  Now, we might all like a tummy tuck, but not if it meant giving our babies back. :)

This post actually has nothing to do with babies or stretch marks. It has to do with the new life I mentioned. Not the lives our Mamas sacrificed their bodies to give us, but the new life our Savior sacrificed His for. You see, my discouraged moment in the dressing room wasn't the only discouraging moment for me this week. Or the last few weeks. I've had several. In fact, I've felt downright defeated. For as long as I can remember the enemy has enjoyed playing a game with me I like to call, "How many ways can I fail?" During this game I begin to think on everything in my life that I wish I hadn't done, or felt like was a failure, or current things in life that I feel like I stink at. Just like in the dressing room when I began comparing my body to that of a supermodel, I like to take all aspects of my life and slap them up next to someone or something that is way better than me. I feel like a loser. It's tons of fun. 

Well, just this very week I was drifting off into loserville and I was getting ready for a good cry and a walk down my hall of shame when something happened. My Savior stepped in. I promise it was like being bullied and having the strongest kid in the class step up for you. As I began to tick off the list in my head of things I've done wrong or ways that I've failed I began to have thoughts about other things I've accomplished or overcome. And I was instantly reminded that all of those things had one thing in common-Him. I am so far from perfect it's not even funny, but as I thought back on my life I was completely overwhelmed at where I've been and where I've come. And I can say that without an ounce of arrogance because I know Who has brought me here. It has not been without battles or the scars that come with them. Sometimes those scars seem as real and visible as the ones that cover my tummy. I can honestly say that in the same way I wouldn't trade my babies to be rid of my stretch marks, I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned to be free of the other scars either.  But the truth is that He bore those scars for me long before I even entered the battle. He hasn't stopped fighting for me yet. 

Do you ever feel defeated? If you are a child of God, we've already been promised the victory. I've learned that success and failure are both very influenced by who we're looking at. I recently came across this verse and I felt like it summed it up perfectly. "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."  Isaiah 26:3.

When our minds (and eyes) are focused on Him, we will find peace no matter what the situation. When we are steadfast. When we do not take our eyes off for even a second to focus on how we measure up with other people, to dwell on what could have been, or what might be. We can trust that He will keep fighting for us, and while we will never be the same, the new life He creates will be worth whatever struggle brings it.