It's All I've Got

“I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.”

                Sabrina Ward Harrison

I don't know who Sabrina Ward Harrison is, but she took these words straight from my brain. If you only knew that everytime I hit "publish post" it runs through my brain, "Did I say too much?" "How will that come across?" "Will people think this is the stupidest, most pointless thing they've ever read?"  Why? Because I need people to like me. It's a terrible problem I've had for as long as I can remember. Some people need fame or fortune. I'm good without either. But, I need you to like me.

For most of my life I've based my decisions on what will keep the greatest number of people happy with me. I still remember my first semester of debate in college and learning the word, "Utilitarianism"-An ethical philosophy in which the happiness of the greatest number of people in the society is considered the greatest good. According to this philosophy, an action is morally right if its consequences lead to happiness (absence of pain), and wrong if it ends in unhappiness (pain). (BusinessDictionary.com) Who knew there was such a big word for my self-esteem issues?

Of course, with age comes wisdom and I have learned it is true what Bill Cosby says. "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." True dat. FAIL. Epic fail. Failure. F Plus. I've experienced it. I beat myself up with it. And weeks like this week I like to hold it's hand and drag it around with  me.  And I realize that sometimes it is easier to call myself a failure and wallow in it than to learn from it and move on. Know what I  mean?
Even as I write this I'm questioning if I will actually post it. Because I remember that I have the opportunity to only tell you things that will make you LIKE me. But, I just feel like I need to put this out there. Because I feel like this is a work God is doing in me now. I think He has been trying to do it for a long time, but is just now getting through to me. The fact that that pleasing Him is more important than making sure everyobody likes me. The fact that I can trust Him to put people in my life who will love and accept me even though I have the attention span of a 3 year old, the sleeping and eating habits of a 14 year old boy,  procrastination is my middle name, and I don't play the piano. The fact that He has already chosen to love me despite my weaknesses and the fact that it His strength I need to be depending on anyway. The fact that wallowing in self-pity or self-loathing is JUST as bad as being overly prideful or conceited. Either way, I'm still totally focused on myself. Ouch. Mostly what I'm learning is that at the end of the day, regardless of how anyone else feels about me, I have to face who I really I am. And sometimes what others value, isn't valuable to God at all.

"He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of others, but God knows your hearts. What people value highly is detestable in God’s sight."

Luke 16:15

And when I take off my make-up, and don't feel like smiling, and you strip away my responsibilities and activities, I have a Savior. That's all I've got.