The Worst You

I haven't been myself lately. At least not the self that I am okay being. You see, there is a me that not too many people actually know. Most people know about this me because I have shared stories, but very few people have actually witnessed it.

My first summer after college I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It's a really long story and it was a really long depression. Six years to be exact. I started out sleeping more, isolating myself socially. Then, I started gaining weight. Then I started having angry outbursts. Then, I started having thoughts that scared the mess out of me. I don't really want to talk about it. But, that is why I'm talking about it.

Just a couple of weeks ago I thought about how that time in my life seems like a dream (or nightmare) and how it didn't feel like it had even happened to me. God healed my depression after a six year battle and that was six years ago. I actually felt led to write my story and I did last spring. The whole thing. I shared it with my family which may have been the most difficult thing I've ever done. Even though they all knew about the depression there were lots of things I had never told anyone. Well, for a while I thought that maybe I should try to have it published or let other people read it. Then, that feeling just went away. Which is good because my computer with my story died. So, I decided that I didn't want to tell that story anymore. I wanted to go on with life and act like it had never happened.

No sooner had I decided that depression was no longer my story to tell, it happened. It came back. Please don't panic. I promise I am okay. The fact that I am writing this tells you I'm in a much better place than even just a few days ago. But, I became unbelievably moody, started withdrawing, started having irrational thoughts. I started asking God why. Not a thing had happened in life to trigger it. I've even been having good hair days y'all. :) The more I questioned the more I realized how ready I had been just days ago to forget that part of my life. To pretend that it never happened just because the memory was not so clear. And it was as if God said, "Lest you forget..." I realized that I needed to be reminded of just how far God has brought me. As much as I would like to pretend that depression has never played a role in my life, it has. In a big way.

I'm not gonna lie. I would rather not be telling you about this. I know it will make people who love me worry. I know this is not cute, funny, or fun to read. But there was a time when I felt such a calling to reach out to others who were also experiencing depression. I have said so many times that it is something that you just cannot understand unless you have experienced it. I let myself forget what that was like. I wanted to run as far away from the memories as possible. I could have totally picked up with a cute story about my kids or tell you funny things that happened at church. But this blog is called "Speaking the Truth in Love and Laughter" and so even when there hasn't been much laughter I feel like I owe you the truth. I feel like it would be very misleading to pretend that everything in my life has been peachy when it hasn't.

I do want to tell you a story that came to be from my first bout of depression. It was actually almost two years before I was officially diagnosed, but I was at a point that I was feeling much the same way I have felt this past week. Not like me. I was 18 and had lost my six year old cousin to a very tragic accident. That was the same summer that Josh had started asking me out. I say started because I did turn him down twice before I said yes. He always makes me sound so mean when he tells the story, but I was totally trying to give him an out. I knew I had issues and I was trying to spare him. I'll never forget the day we officially started "going out". It was my 18th birthday and Josh had taken me to the beach. I knew he was going to ask me out because we had planned it a month earlier. (Don't ask, it was all part of my issues. :) Anyway, we walked up and down the beach and talked for what felt like forever. And forever and ever Amen. And he still did not ask me out!

Finally, when we were in the car headed back to my house he asked. Even though I had been waiting for the question I still felt that I should try and talk him out of his fateful decision to pursue someone as messed up as me. You see, I had always been an extremely happy, outgoing, easygoing person. That was Emily. That was the Emily people liked. That was the Emily I wanted to be. When my cousin died it was really my first experience with grief. I didn't like that I wasn't always happy and that I didn't always feel up to entertaining the masses. I assumed no one else would like that Emily either. I explained to Josh how I felt like he was getting the worst me. And do you know what he said? He said, "Well I know if I can love the worst you that I can love the best you." Have I told you this story? Probably, because it is the best story of my life.

I say it is the best story of my life because not only did I get that moment in a camaro with my high school sweetheart on my 18th birthday, but because God spoke those same words to my heart. Unfortunately, Josh would end up going through much worse times with me and seeing versions of Emily I would prefer to not have had to experience myself. But the boy who spoke those beautiful words to me made God's Word come to life for me.

Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners Christ died for us."

I don't know if you have someone in your life who has proven that they love the worst you. I pray that you do. I have learned that it is a rare and precious thing to have those people in your life. The ones who hear you say ugly things and don't bring them back up as blackmail. The ones who can handle what you really think. The ones who are okay to let you cry and understand that life is messy and isn't always a party.

I just want to encourage you that even if you think you are at your worst right now, there is Someone who loves you right there. It still blows my mind. It is still hard for me to accept. I still want desperately to become good enough to earn that love. But I can't. I don't have to. He loves the worst you and can't wait to love the best you.

Makin' A List.........

Let's just pretend that I am really famous and popular and people care what my favorite gift ideas for the holidays are. Let's just pretend. :)

I have spent today in my pj's doing some online shopping and can I just say that I think online shopping is the greatest thing since sweet potato casserole! I know some people just love the atmosphere and experience of getting up at the crack of dawn in really cold weather to fight the crowds and kill their feet, but I am not one of them. So here I sit. I obviously cannot share any gift ideas for the grown ups as the grown ups I shop for read my blog. :) But I am really excited about a couple of things for my kids and just wanted to share in case you are seeking some inspiration.

First, I have to tell you that I felt really challenged this year to not go crazy with the shopping. 1. My kids already have a ton of stuff. They just do. 2. I really want them to enjoy gifts, but also learn to be as excited about giving them as getting them. 3. I have become an experienced enough parent to know what my kids will actually use or play with or what I will be stepping on in the middle of the night that gets tossed aside and broken. With that said, these are my favorite gift ideas.

Illustory is a book where your child can write and illustrate their own story. You then send it back to the company and they will make it into a hardback book. Is that not the coolest thing ever??? Am I just the biggest dork ever??? My friend Karen assures me that not everyone actually LIKES to write the way that I do, but lately Sarah has been writing her own stories and taping pieces of paper together. I LOVE IT! Couldn't make this Mama happpier. I think this could be a neat idea for anyone who would like to create a short story for their loved ones. AND, it is on sale right now. I found this one at Target for $19.99. You can only get it online, but today it is on sale for $14.99. With tax and shipping you come out at $21.99.

Okay, my second exciting gift idea is for active children who like to draw on EVERYTHING. I mean everything, y'all. I keep telling myself it is a sign of a brilliant child who will one day become a famous (and rich) artist and will replace all of the things in his poor mother's trashy looking house with the colored walls and furniture. :) Eli has been telling me for months that he wants a skateboard. All the older boys around here have them, but I wasn't sure Eli was ready for one. Josh assured me Eli is the age he was when he got one. So, I started checking out skateboards and look what I found!! The design your own skateboard will allow Eli to have something else to decorate besides my furniture and then he will have a skateboard! The only negative I read in the reviews of this product is that it is smaller than a normal skateboard. That is actually a bonus to me because I think it will be a better fit for Eli's size right now.

So, these are a couple of the gifts I am really excited about. Will I hate myself and wonder what the heck I was thinking when we actually begin working on this book and skateboard? Very likely. Will it be worth it if my kids are as excited about them as I am right now? Definitely!

How about you? Do you have any gift ideas you are really excited about?

Thankful

After a record month of blogging (btw, did you know that November is National Blogging Month? Now you do!) I have hit a dry spell, a writer's block, a complete loss of motivation. Whatever you want to call it. But alas, I am tired of my latest blog being a post about my hormones. :)

As Thanksgiving approaches I thought it would seem very ungrateful of me to not share the many, many things I am thankful for. Such as, I am thankful that we are going to Mamaw's tomorrow and my only time in the kitchen will be making a cake. Is that bad?

Seriously though, this year of 2009 has been one that has been full of super highs and devastating lows. Thinking back I realize that you can never really term a year "good" or "bad". There are just too many ups AND downs for it to be one or the other. Some of the lows have included my Mamaw losing her house and everything she owns to a fire, Josh losing his job last March, and some health problems experienced by family members.

But this year also saw the beginning of the Fidler Academy of Higher Learning as I began homeschooling. Josh and I finally got to take our honeymoon and it was worth the wait! My sister and her family moved back to the south from Alaska and we are looking forward to a new addition to the family. Um, to THEIR family. :) Which makes it even more exciting for me that I will soon have a baby to rock and cuddle and play with and yet I will have no financial or sleep deprivation responsibilities whatsoever! Josh's sister got married and we added Brad to the family. He quickly moved them off to Italy and I am living vicariously through their pictures. Perhaps the most exciting news for me in 2009 was that my firstborn asked Jesus into her heart and was baptized. See, I knew I needed to write this out because really, there was nothing that could have happened this year that could take the joy away from that event!

The day in, day out routine of life can sure drain the joy and peace from us. As the holidays approach I know that it is easy for anxiety to take over as plans and expenses become overwhelming. The thing that I am MOST thankful for (apart from my salvation, my amazing husband, wonderful children, loving family and awesome friends) is the way that God has used the last year of my life to speak through everyday life. I consider myself homeschooled. God has taken me on an intense spiritual journey by route of the mundane, ordinary and routine. He has used heartbreak and questioning to bring me to a greater trust in Him and He has peppered my life with just the right amount of exciting and happy events to get me through the grind of everyday life. He has met me right where I was whether it be in the laundry room, a hospital room sitting with a loved one, or at Wal-Mart.

Tomorrow my husband will have the day off from his job that he was rehired to just a little over a month ago. Just at the exact same time his unemployment was running out. And we will travel to Mamaw's to share Thanksgiving in her new home full of new things. I am so appreciative of that job and those new things for Mamaw, but I pray that more than anything my heart will remember to be thankful not just for those things, but for the God who provided them and the lessons learned in the days of waiting and seeking.

"It is good to give thanks to the LORD,
And to sing praises to Your name,
O Most High;
To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning,
And Your faithfulness every night."
Psalm 92:1

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE FIDLER 5!!!!!!!!!!
What are you thankful for this year?

It's All Over But The Cryin'

*WARNING: If you are a boy you probably don't want to read this. In fact, nobody will probably want to read this, but it's my blog and it's Saturday night and I am assuming everyone else has a life and probably won't read this anyway. So there. Consider yourself warned.

There comes a time in every girl's life when it is necessary to face yourself in the rear view mirror at Sonic and say "Girl, get a grip!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Today was such a day for me. Now, I have shared countless chaotic days from my life that would probably leave many in tears or hysterics. And yet, I have been able to face those days with strength and even laugh about them. But something happens every month and I am overtaken by a monster that sends my body and brain through a tailspin of emotions so fierce that I have yet to find the appropriate cover to take. Josh has adopted the "duck and cover" method. He is extra sweet, brings me peanut M&M's as his special offering and allows me to sleep as much as our schedules will allow as this is the safest, calmest route for everyone in our home. I, however, am stuck with myself.

If you are a boy and have no idea what I am talking about, remember I warned you. If you are a girl and have no idea what I am talking about consider yourself blessed among women. You see, what I am talking about here is hormones. Probably not the most appropriate topic for the preacher's wife's blog, but here I am discussing it anyway. You see, I always heard people talk about how the hormones make you crazy when you are a teenager but I really never experienced that. I was pretty balanced. I even had good skin. Get ready for this-I was even voted SWEETEST one year in high school!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? Now, that I am almost 30 my skin is breaking out and I am pretty sure Josh would like to nominate me for "MOST LIKELY TO BITE YOUR HEAD OFF". I have full on sweets cravings that make my pregnancy cravings seem like nothing. What is going on y'all??

I actually had a conversation with my parents about my irritability. I just had to check with them. I didn't remember being so irritable when I was younger. They agreed I was not an irritable person. My dad also reminded me that I liked to be alone a lot and do my own thing. So, pretty much we established that I'm only grumpy when I have to be around other people and can't get my own way. :)

I was talking with a friend who shared that every other month is different because your ovaries alternate. I had never thought about that. So, I got out my calendar and sure enough I realized that every other month is worse for me. Like this past week my whole body hurt so bad that I had to call Josh to come home so I could take medicine that would just knock me out. Is that normal? Probably not. Once the pain fades I then turn into Cruella Deville and decide that everything in life is horrible. No joke. One day I am totally happy and content with life and then the monster comes and I am convinced I am miserable with everything in my life.

Like I said, today was the day. The day I knew it had gotten way out of hand. I went by Sonic for my Diet Cherry Coke and do you know what the guy said? "I'm sorry, we're out of Diet Coke." Now, normal, non-possessed Emily would have immediately said "I will have a Diet Dr. Pepper then please." But not crazy, hormonal Emily. I wiped away a tear, y'all. For real. And that was my moment. The moment I knew that it is really time to get a grip. Or some chocolate....

Lessons learned today folks:

*The preacher's wife gets PMS too.
* Pray extra for the preacher.
* You might want to mark off the 19th of all the odd months in your calendars as days to avoid me like the plague.
* Peanut M&M's and TylenolPM make all things better.
* I'm a lot more spiritual when I don't have to be around people. :)
* This too shall pass!
*DON'T EVER BE OUT OF DIET COKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the Job Training

When I sat down at the computer this morning, the first thing I saw was this. It showed that social work ranked as the number one most stressful job that doesn't pay well. I know how to pick 'em, huh? :) Of course, I am not currently working as a social worker, just paying off loans for my piece of paper that says I am qualified to do such work. Right here I want to give a shout out to my blogging buddy Lori. We have a mutual friend and actually graduated from FSU together even though we never met. She got her master's degree in social work the same day I got my bachelor's. She has worked many years now as a social worker and I have SO MUCH RESPECT for the work she does. I know it is a God given calling and that many lives have been touched by the work she does.

The reason I'm talking about this is because of the post traumatic stress attack I experienced just reading the article. JUST KIDDING! (Kind of.) The truth is that the time I spent in social work, both interning in a woman's halfway house and the ER and officially working for hospice, were some of the most rewarding times of my life. But what I really started thinking about was how much on the job training took place. I know this is the case in most jobs. I literally graduated one week, got my MS. license the next Friday and started my job the following Monday. I mean I had two years and two internships worth of knowledge. I read pages of protocol books and took a bazillion and a half little quizzes that assured the company I knew what I was doing from how to properly wear my name badge to how to handle a suicidal patient. But let's face it, there are some things books just can't prepare you for.

I stink at math. I mean really, I do. But one thing I understand is the idea of the variable. And the variable in social work is always: people. People are different. Every last one of them. The way they handle situations, the way they react to problems, the way they interact with other people. It was so easy in class to write case studies when I could decide how I would handle a situation based on a character that didn't have feelings, opinions or issues. I could write: "Mr. A. accepted the option offered and is forever grateful for my presence in his life and is planning to name his first child after me." In real life my notes read more like: "Patient finally accepted option F when I threatened to call the state. He hates me and his family called me on my cell phone while I was dying with the flu to convince me of what a horrible person I am and that I in fact know nothing." I left my job still not fully sure of how to document "This person just gives me the heeby jeebies" in a way that sounded professional.

As I began reliving these wonderful memories I came to the realization that what made my job so challenging was not so much the issues faced as the constant feeling of inadequacy. The never ending feeling that I wasn't completely sure I was doing the "right" thing. That is the tough part of on the job training.

I am sure you have gathered through reading my blog that I am not Martha Stewart Super Mom by any stretch of the imagination. I guess what I have learned after 7 years of motherhood is, I don't really know what I'm doing. There, I said it. As if you had not already gathered that. I don't know everything. I'm not sure how I feel about vaccinations. I gave them to my children and prayed fervently for God to protect them. I know that a diet of organic fruits and vegetables is best for my children, but I cannot for the life of me figure out to get them to be satisfied with that. I experience guilt from the amount of time they spend playing video games, and yet I let them do it because I am pretty much with all 3 of them 24/7 and sometimes I need a break. I don't even know how to keep all of the socks in this house together.

I am hard on myself. It's just my nature, my personality whatever you want to say. I've always been that way. I want to be the best, do things the best. And yet, I always seem to fall painfully short of that goal. So now, I am giving myself a break. And maybe you will give yourself a break too, if you struggle with this. Let's face, on the job training is hard and it is pretty much all we get as moms. I started baby-sitting when I was eleven and have read all kinds of books on motherhood. It's a lot like college. Nice theories. Application is a whole other story. I often admit that I have gone from saying "My child will never act like that" to praying "LORD, please don't let my child act like that because I know there is a good chance they will."

Sometimes I think, "LORD, wouldn't it have made more sense for me to know what the heck I am supposed to be doing BEFORE I became a mom? A social worker? A preacher's wife? I mean, it might have helped for me to know how to be a grown up. " But then, I am reminded of the very way Jesus taught when He was here on this earth. There were time He took His disciples into remote locations to intensely teach them spiritual things. But most often He took them straight into reality and said, "Here, let me show you how this will be done." He didn't just teach that they were to love others as themselves, even those they had been taught not to even acknowledge. He showed them when He went out of His way to meet a Samaritan woman. (John 4). He didn't just teach them to trust that God would provide for them He showed them when he told them to gather a few loaves of bread and some fish to feed the 5,000. (John 6) They felt inadequate. They were stressed out. They had to gain some on the job training. Even at the Last Supper, they still didn't get it. (John 13) I wonder if Jesus felt the same way staff meeting use to feel. Did He ever want to say, "I don't know how else to break this down for you. I don't know how many more times I can explain these things." Of course He didn't. He knew they still had a lot of on the job training to go.

I had a favorite song as a teenager that said "Life is hard, but God is good." I won't lie, as I have gotten older and experienced more life, that song seems simplistic and cliche. But you know what? It is still true. Life is hard. We don't know all of the answers. We don't ace every test. But as believers we have this assurance:

"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God."

2 Corinthians 3:5

Miss Communication

It seemed like Sarah came from the womb talking. I am not even kidding. I really cannot remember a time she wasn't talking. Eli went from baby babbling to big kid talking overnight. He really did. He was so quiet and then one day he just started talking like he had been doing it his whole life. I do remember Sarah learning to talk. She was about 7 or 8 months when she learned her first phrase- "Who dat?" You can imagine that my dad, a lifelong Saints fan, was thrilled. :) It was funny because I was trying to teach her who people were by pointing at pictures and instead of learning their names she learned, "Who dat?"

Kate has been a little slower in the talking process, but I have to admit I have enjoyed every baby step of talking progress she makes. There is just nothing like the sweet baby voice that says, "Thank you." Or that grabs your hand, puts it on bare baby feet and says "Piggies". It about sends me over the moon to hear her lovingly call for her brother and sister. "SARSA!!" "EYI!!" And of course, she helps me with "DAZEEE". She points and tells her "Sit! Sit!"

She has also learned a lot from her siblings and her parents. Things such as "I wanna watch dis" or "Wanna do dis." Or to repeat my favorite question when I happen upon a mess created by my children, "What happeen?" She is also able to let me know what she wants. Like "peekles" and cheese. I promise that is all my child eats. She tells me to turn up the TV "Up this" and when she is uncomfortable in her clothes "Off this". And working on her manners she always says "Peez" and "Shoo me" (Excuse me).

She still speaks her Swahili, as my dad calls it. I am often glad I CAN'T understand what she is saying! :) My favorite word is still "Mama"!

The Missing Glove, A Neked Possum and a Playdate

I don't even know where to start. I just don't. I'm still shakin' my head about this day.

This has been a much anticipated day as I had scheduled Eli's first playdate with a boy. You see, we have NO little boys around here and I have prayed desperately for him to have his own friend (not one he has to share with Sarah or makes him dress up and who never invites him over for sleepovers). Well, duh, it finally hit me that a couple Josh and I have come to know through some of our associational church stuff has 5 boys!!! I also concluded that one of them had to be close to Eli's age. I checked and sure enough, Zippy is 5. Don't you love that name? Kate says "Sippy" and I just think it's so cute I'm considering renaming one of my children.

Anyway, Eli thought this playdate was a fair reason to cancel school as he finds a reason to want to cancel school pretty much everyday. He was not happy that we did have school and for the next 5 or so hours he and Sarah became the whiniest two people I have ever heard in my life. ARGHHHH!! I cannot handle whining. It does something to my nerves, y'all. Well, eventually it was time for Sarah to go to dance and Eli to have his playdate. (PRAISE THE LORD!!) Sarah hitched a ride to dance and I went to pick up Zippy. I wasn't sure that he would be willing to come on a playdate with total, complete strangers, but I told him we were going to the park. Parks and candy will make you any kids best friend just in case you didn't know.

We squeezed a 3rd booster seat into the backseat (and I mean squeezed) and headed off to the park. We were disappointed that the one we wanted to go to was closed, but we just headed to another one. It was SO fun listening to the boys talk in the back. Eli told him how old he, Sarah and Kate are. Zippy said how old he is. Eli talked about how boring dance is for him. I had been really nervous that Eli would be super shy, but he wasn't! They had a blast playing at the park even though we don't really have a good park. I've named it the "ER Waiting to Happen" Park because it's all of the old, metal stuff that just screams "Broken bones!!!!" Kate even got in on the fun. She loves the merry go round. It was while I was helping Kate climb one of the dangerous metal jungle gym things that I saw something that immediately caught my eye. A black hand. I just knew it. It looked just like a black hand laying in the grass. I tried to tell myself it was a bird or a piece of trash. I cautiously walked over and do you know, it was a black glove. OJ's other glove is at a park in Louin, Ms.

After the park we headed back to the house so the boys could play trucks and ball and all of that boy stuff. Just moments after we got in the door I got a phone call from a friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We had a lot of catching up to do. Well, sure enough the battery in my phone started to die (I know, those of you who ever talk to me on the phone are probably rolling your eyes out of frustration because my stinkin' battery dies EVERY TIME I am on it!!!) Well, our charger for the house is broken (have I ever told you that everything we have is broken?) So, I had to go sit in the jeep. You have to understand, I had to. I had to finish this conversation. Eli came to tell me that Kate had pulled the whole roll of toilet paper off the roll. While he was sharing this with me Daisy escaped. While the boys took off after Daisy, Kate came wandering outside with no pull-up on screaming "DAISY!! DAISY!!" I ended my phone conversation and ushered everyone (including Daisy) back inside.

After a few more minutes of playing and some ham sandwiches it was time to take Zippy home. Eli gave Zippy one of his stuffed lions. Not THE stuffed lion, but a lion nonetheless. Stuffed lions and toaster streudels are Eli's love language. He made a friend. :)

I tried to give myself plenty of time to get Zippy home because I didn't know where his house was. You see where this is going don't you? I knew when I was depending on a five year old to tell me where I was that I was in trouble. I also realized when it was the time I was supposed to be picking Sarah up and I was in the middle of nowhere that maybe I should call Zippy's mom. I dialed the number and when a lady answered I immediately said, "Hey, I'm lost." I knew when teh lady on the phone said "Excuse me?" in a sweet Paula Deen voice that I had not dialed the right number. So, I responded, "I'm sorry, I'm lost and I have the wrong number." She was nice enough to offer help, but my phone lost signal. I made my way back to town to pick up Sarah 15 minutes late. I know her teacher thinks I am the worst mom ever. This is the second time I've been late. Just a couple of weeks ago the battery in the jeep died and Eli and I pushing Kate in the stroller and carrying two booster seats walked a mile up the road to borrow a van. Oh, I forgot to tell you about that?

Well, I finally picked up Sarah and when I did I couldn't find the piece of paper with the phone numbers on it. I asked Zippy if he knew his phone number. He didn't. I made a mental note to attach such information to my children in case they ever ended up with a friend whose mama is as crazy as me. I finally found the number and assured Zippy's mom that I was really bringing him home tonight.

After dropping him off the floodgates opened and I thought we were going to have find an ark. Speaking of the ark, I saw an animal that probably scared the other animals on the ark. It was a gray, completely furless possum. Have you ever seen such a thing?

After a stop by Sonic we made it home. The kids went to bed early. I sat down to write this and one of our church members came over to see if I could help him read some numbers on a broken urinal that needs to be fixed at the church. I can say that was another first for me, standing in the men's bathroom with a flashlight writing down numbers.

I don't suppose I will ever forget Eli's first playdate. Who knew that two boys would be the calmest part of the day?????