About Me

Your first thought when reading that title was probably, 'Good grief, is there anything we DON'T know about her?' *rolls eyes*. Well, I would be tempted to say probably not, but in reality there actually is a lot I don't blog about. Does that scare you or what?

This blog today is more of an introspective for me. I just happen to be going through one of those times in life when one tends to withdraw into their own little corner of the world and reassess some things. Or is that just me? Well, the thing is, I'm just working through some emotions. And if there is one thing I know you all know about me it is the fact that I am a hotmess of emotions.

I have been hesitant to gush over my happiness with our new home and church because I so don't want to hurt the feelings of those we left behind in Mississippi. But, it has made me very happy to be where we are. There, I said it. I struggled so much with feeling like people were going to think that Josh and I were just taking the easy way out, moving closer to home. But you know what? I'm over that. Josh and I know what God was leading us to do and He has given me many remedial courses on the lesson of concerning myself with what He wants and not what other people think.

On that same note, while I have been very happy I have also experienced great grief since we've been here. There isn't an inch of space between our house and Panama City that doesn't hold a memory of my Dad and I've often wondered if us being here was necessary for me to truly heal. I can't hide. I can't pretend he's at his house, because I go there too much now and it's too empty without him. Days like today fill my heart when my Mom and brother come over just to have lunch and hang out, but those visits also bring an ache when my Dad isn't laughing at mine and Philip's attempts at playing basketball.

In addition to the grief I also realize every now and then that, well, we're not from here! We've stayed so busy with our families and old friends visiting, but then sometimes it hits me that I don't actually really know people here. They don't know me. That was something that made leaving Mississippi so hard. I felt like I had just started really getting to know people. There was a day I was at the park with my PW friend, Amy and we hadn't heard from any of the churches yet but we were really sure God would be moving us. I told her I felt so torn because I felt like it was time for us to move, but I was also just starting to build relationships with people. She told me that was a sure sign God was about to move us. I hate that it took me so long to build relationships in Ms. and one of my goals here is to really jump in and get to know people. Of course, that doesn't mean that they really want to know me. :)

I feel like I have an advantage this time and that is what I was really planning to write about. (I know you all just breathed a sigh of relief that there actually is a point to this.) I feel like the difference between now and when we moved to Ms. is that now, I know who I am. Does that sound crazy? Let me explain.

I've shared so many times that I went through a serious time of depression. During that time I really felt like Emily got lost. I just didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't have any interests, hobbies or goals. I really didn't have any energy. When God healed me of that depression I was a young mom with 2 kids under the age of 3 finishing up my bachelor's degree and serving as the coordinator for our church's MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. Life for me revolved around Josh and the kids, church and school. Again, I was still pretty lost in the mix. You will never believe what brought about this realization for me. MySpace. Seriously. My sister was living in Alaska at the time and she created a profile on there and asked my permission to use some pictures of my kids. Of course I ended up on there so we could keep in touch and that was how this blog was birthed. :) Anyway, I really struggled with setting up my profile. It asked for my interests and activities and for me tell about myself. I was clueless. I was also absolutely horrified at the idea of posting pictures for people from high school to see. I was close to 50 pounds heavier than I had been in high school. I didn't even feel like the same person.

It wasn't long after that that God called us to Mississippi. Those of you who have followed my blog know what an experience that was. God stretched our faith until I was afraid it would break and then instead grew it beyond what I could ever have imagined. Josh and I were put in a situation where it was us against the world. We had no one but God and ourselves to depend on. Our family grew closer together. God put me in a job that required non-stop constant learning, growth and crying out to Him. He sent me into a job where I KNEW there were people who didn't like me, and let me tell you, Emily from high school COULD NOT handle that. Turns out Emily now can.

I lived my entire life as the most incurable people pleaser you could ever meet. Wasn't that cute of God to make me a preacher's wife? Well, that people pleasing was just one thing that God would have to change out of a million. That time wasn't all about changing though. A lot of it was God reminding me of who I am. Reminding me of the things I love and am passionate about. I learned that it is hard to be close to people when you don't even know those things about yourself. So I was amazed at how my relationships grew when I figured out enough about myself to be able to share it.

Here is some of what I learned:

I still love dancing even if I am old and not cute when I do it anymore. I love fast, upbeat songs that make me happy. I am obsessed with mysteries, whether they be movies, TV shows or books. (However, I prefer it not be the "what is that gooey thing stuck to the cabinet" kind of mysteries.) I am not a phone person. I just don't like to talk on the phone. I prefer to have long conversations over cheese dip and all you can drink Diet Coke. I love people, but I require an abnormal amount of alone time to be able to function properly. I am addicted to beauty products and could spend a week and an entire paycheck at the drugstore. I am passionate about raising Godly children who love Jesus and others even if I'm not always very good at it. I love to dress up. I am fascinated by the human psyche and find myself doing a pyscho-social assessment in my head while talking with people. Nothing means more to me than people feeling like they can share their deepest secrets with me. I like to eat. A lot. I've also discovered a new found interest in cooking. I desperately want to be healthy and take really good care of my body, but I fail miserably most of the time. Writing is my therapy and my hobby. My dream in life is that it could one day be my job. Jesus is my life. Josh is my soul mate. My kids are the greatest gift I've ever been given. I've been blessed so much more than I deserve with unconditonally loving family and friends who challenge me, bless me and amaze me.

I've learned that I am stronger than I think, and when I'm not strong God always provides the strength I need or strong people to lean on. I've learned that there are always more things to be grateful for at the end of the day than things to complain about. I've learned that I can't make everybody happy and it's not my job anyway. I've learned that sometimes people need to experience anger and sadness and then they need to learn to cope with it. I've learned that God is the only one who knows my heart and so His opinion of me is the One that matters most.

Instead of worrying and stressing over things I can't control, I pray about them.

Instead of trying to save the world, I focus on the people and circumstances God has placed right in my lap.

Instead of seeking the limelight, I seek His light and direction.

Instead of griping, nagging and complaining about the faults I see in others I ask God to make me thankful for their presence in my life and shine light on the things I can encourage them in.

Instead of asking, "Will this make everybody happy?" I ask "What will this matter in eternity?" Because at the end of the day, the only things that matter are the things that matter to the Father. Whatever public opinion might be of me, He is my Maker and my Judge. And however I feel about others, I will one day be accountable for what they have seen in my life.

In case you're wondering, you will not find this little excerpt on my MySpace page. :) Because I've also learned that honestly, most people don't care to know all of this anyway. But if you've read through all of this I really want to know. What do you wish others knew about you? What have you learned about yourself that surprised even you?