I Wish I Had Known

Today I had the opportunity to do something that I was so excited about. With my job I had the opportunity to visit some moms who just had babies in the last week. Once the babies are old enough they will come to our center, but for now I will make visits to check on mom and baby. For anyone who knows about my experience as a new  mother, this probably seems highly ironic. It is, y'all. Beyond the multitude of handouts I'm required to take on everything from bonding with your baby to the baby blues, I also took with  me lessons formed not from mastery of parenting skills, but from the good old fashioned file of "woulda, coulda, shoulda". Because something I've learned is that just about the time you think you are getting good at this parenting thing, BAM! Your child switches into a new phase that requires a whole new set of skills and a different kind of patience and more than likely, a new pair of shoes. Man their feet grow fast!

Even as I was writing that paragraph Sarah was strolling down memory lane about all the times I took her through Chick-Fil-A for breakfast and the one time I got her a slushie at Sonic and she stuck her straw all the way through the cup and covered herself and the jeep in slushie. And while I remember that event, I had to ask her. "I lost it when that happened didn't I?" And I mostly asked because I wondered if she remembered, but also because I feel like Emily now would so not be phased by an exploding slushie, but unfortunately, Emily then totally was. And yes, she remembers. She laughed about it. Maybe her therapist will one day find the humor in it.

Anyway, I know that I've been out of the blogging loop for awhile and as soon as I have a burst of energy that lasts more than 13 minutes, I'm going to do a mega blog about what has been going on in our lives. But mostly, to sum it up quickly, my babies are growing up. For real. Two weeks ago I dropped off a 5th grader, a 3rd grader and a 1st grader at their first day of school. They looked like this.

Sarah fixed all of their lunches and my participation was only needed to aid with ironing, and helping Kate tie her shoes and brush her hair. Grown, y'all. Sarah has a locker this year and decorating that puppy was THE DEAL around here.

So, back to my visits today. I have to say that with our baby days behind us, watching my kids officially become big kids, and anticipating the arrival of two new nieces, babies are making me feel all kinds of sentimental these days. I watched those newborns today squirm and suck and heard them make those cute little sounds newborns make. I talked with their mamas who were a bundle of anxiety and excitement and sadness wrapped in a big blanket of exhaustion. The pride and absolute awe that accompanies bringing a human being into the world. The overwhelming sense of responsibility and sudden fear of everything in the world, because now you have to take care of another human being who lives in this scary world.

One mom shared her fear of taking her baby anywhere in the car and I could totally relate. I will never forget driving Sarah home from the hospital. I was never as aware of other drivers and road hazards as I was that day. Didn't people speeding by know I had a brand new baby in the car? (Perhaps this is where the "Baby on Board" phenomenon started?) 

Another mom shared her sadness and apologized, not knowing why she felt sad when she was also excited about her baby. And I could also relate to that. Because despite 9 months of devouring every book, article, or brochure at the Dr.'s office that educated me on the baby's development and what was going on with my body, nobody prepared me for what would happen with me after the baby came. I stopped reading at that part. You know, the part where the baby was here. I guess I just assumed that if I survived labor, I would just snap right back to normal. My body. My hormones. My marriage. I really didn't get it. I couldn't grasp how life changing that new little human would be. 

Today, I discussed how it was normal to feel sad and anxious and how your emotions are beyond what you will experience at any other time of your life. I cheered on the mom who is nursing like a champ and comforted the mom whose relationship didn't work out the way she planned, leaving her to bring her baby home without her daddy. We discussed things they need like strollers or other resources. And I encouraged them to call if they had questions or needed to talk. 

But, because I was there as a professional I couldn't really tell them all the things I would tell a new mom. Things like:

*Don't wait for life to get back to "normal". This is the new normal. 

*This is your body now. This is your heart now. They've both been stretched in ways you never thought possible. Your body may eventually go back close to the size it once was, your heart never will. It has grown and will continue to grow. Sometimes it hurts. Most of the time it is the most beautiful thing you will experience in this life. 

*There's no right way to do this. Seriously. People (well-meaning people) will tell you differently. I'm convinced that in the same way God created our bodies to nurture our babies, He also gives us the insight and wisdom to know what is best for our baby. Even if what is best is asking someone else for advice or wisdom. Ask who you want to ask. Take what works for you and file the rest. It may work for the next baby. :)

*You think you will never use all of the diapers you got at your baby shower, but you will. And then some.

*Other people know how to keep babies alive, too. :)  It's ok to leave them for a bit so that you can have a minute to think or take a shower or sleep. You know, those things you totally took for granted once upon a time. 

*Things probably won't go how you planned. Not the labor experience. Not the going home experience. You may take super cute sandals to wear home only to realize you've been so pumped full of fluids that YOUR.SHOES.DON'T.EVEN.FIT. Your baby may sleep through their first photo shoot and puke or poop all over the family heirloom outfit they are supposed to wear. Your normally attentive significant other may have a freak out moment or not have any idea how to be there for you when your eyes and your boobs are both leaking and you want to punch him in the face even though deep down you know you know you still love him. (Hormones are SOMETHIN' ELSE, y'all!) If you want to plan, your best bet is to plan on bringing extra everything. Just do it.

*You will simultaneously adore the feeling of your baby in your arms and miss feeling them kick inside of you.

*Your baby will look different every day. Every.single.day. 

*Everything will take 3 times longer than it used to. But you'll get used to it and years down the road you will blow your own mind with your ability to do things at the speed of light compared to how it used to be.

*You can't do it all. Nobody can, but there is no time when it's more important to realize that. 

*God chose you to be the mother of your child. Remember that when you begin to question yourself or try to figure out how somebody else would do it. Whatever personality, temperament, talents, and passions you have, use those. Don't spend your time pining after someone else's gifts or personality. Let them be their kind of mom and you be yours. (Totally still working on this one.....)

*Enjoy it. Seems simple. And yet also hard. Some babies are easy to enjoy. They sleep. They eat. They smile at strangers in the store. Some babies cry and never sleep and people in stores say things like, "Don't be pinchin' that baby", trying to be cute, but you want to pinch them because you haven't slept in 3 days and HORMONES, y'all. But seriously, I had one of the crying, no sleeping babies and before I had her a dear, sweet lady encouraged me to enjoy late night feedings because they wouldn't last long. She was right. I didn't always enjoy them, but I tried. And they didn't last long. That baby now wears the same size shoe as me and sometimes I wish I could still hold her in my lap and rock her, but it would crush my internal organs.

*And that's the thing. It won't last forever. The good, the bad, the ugly. Whatever it is, it's just a season. And in that season it feels like for.eva. Like you will be pumping in the nursing home when you're 90. Like you will never have a conversation with your husband that isn't interrupted or that you don't nod off in the middle of it. But for real, you will blink your eyes and your baby child will be in first grade and signing her name with hearts and peace signs.

*Things aren't really as big a deal as they feel. If I could go back and know one thing then that I know now (and there's a LOT I wish I had known) this is it. I wish I would've taken a chill pill. I wish I would have known that having a healthy, clean, well fed, loved on baby was good. I wouldn't have stressed about what outfit was supposed to be worn when, or what toy she needed or having matching outfits for family pics. 

Christmas Sweaters Gone Wild

*You are learning. Admit it. Everybody wants to pretend like they know it all when they get a job. Nobody wants to start a job and be like, "Hey, I seriously have no idea what I'm doing. Is there a policy and procedure book on this?" And guess what? There's not a policy and procedure book on parenting. There are 80 million books to give you advice and ideas and other people's experiences. The Bible offers awesome insight and wisdom on raising our children to love the Lord. But a step by step, play by play? Nope. You're writing this one! One chapter at a time. With lots of red pen scratches and pages you'll probably wish you could tear out. The character development in this story belongs to YOU. You might not recognize yourself in the end. And that might be a good thing.

*When all else fails, laugh. The things that seem like worst case, disaster scenarios will one day be your favorite stories. I highly suggest teaching your kids to laugh, too. Some situations just cannot end well except with laughter or ice cream.

*I fully recommend suspending your expectations for this season of life. Like for example, I used to strive to bring about world peace. After my first baby, my goal was to shower before 10 am. Okay, at all. This is a season of changing expectations.

*Rest in grace. Again, something I struggle with. I could give you a War and Peace size volume of my parenting mistakes. I want to stress about the mistakes I've made and how they could be affecting my kids now or ruin their life in the future. So, sometimes I just sit back and observe the fact that I have 3 amazing kids who are kind, thoughtful people full of compassion and joy. And they are parent proof. Josh tells me that all the time. Praise God. :) God's grace has covered so many mistakes in my life and I have to trust that parenting is no different. In my weakness, His strength is perfected. 

*In conclusion, one day you will watch someone else hold their newborn baby and you will not think about 2 am feedings or spit up or how you wore the same clothes for 4 days. You will think about the day you brought your own baby home and fell in love with every dimple, every hair on their head, and every sound they utter. And if they have brothers or sisters at home, you won't remember that you didn't have matching sibling shirts or signs made by etsy. Your heart will be full as you remember your 5 year old and 2 year old who dressed themselves for the special occasion and made a sign out of a Pizza Hut box. You will remember the sparkle in their eyes and the unconstrained excitement. And mostly you will remember feeling like your heart couldn't possibly feel any more love without bursting.