Slow Me Down

At the age of 9 my most  favorite activity was to turn on the stereo (you know, the tall kind with a record and cassette player) and spin around in circles until I was so dizzy I would fall down. What? You didn't really think I was a nine year old who read Voltaire or played the violin, did you? Anyway, I share that because I was thinking about it the other day and how it was great practice for my life these days. It's exactly how I feel sometimes. Like I'm spinning in circles until I fall down. Except, sometimes it's not as fun.

Over the last several months our life shifted into overdrive and I've been meeting myself coming and going. I told my kids that this week was the week that we recovered our house. They asked what that meant. I told them it means we will make our house look like a place human beings live instead of a place wild animals stop through for feedings! I'm still working on the recovering by the way.

When I made the decision to look for a full-time job one of the factors soon became the fact that both of my part-time jobs took place in the afternoons and evenings. When we added church and ball into the mix, it started to feel a little crazy. When we started going out of town for dance competitions it felt downright insane. No matter how busy we would get I would constantly compare myself to other people and think, 'They do this and this and this and they're fine'.  Or, 'If so and so can handle that schedule, I can handle this.' And I could. The truth is that I've always been a busy, on the go kind of person. In high school I went non-stop. It was one of the hard parts of motherhood for me. I still remember after Sarah was born having the realization that I couldn't just up and run to Wal-Mart at 9:00 at night if I wanted to. Not without packing the house and arranging it around a baby's schedule. Now, my kids are at ages where it is a little easier to be on the go. Even though it is easier, I've realized that it is not necessarily best. 

As I've shared, it is has been emotional for me giving up dance and theater. My theater kids asked me if they could pay me 1 million dollars if I would direct another play. I told them that, yes, for a million dollars, I would. :)  The truth is, I love my dance and my theater kids like they are my own. One of my tiny tots gave me a Mother's Day card and thanked me for working with her like she was my own child. It's a card I'll treasure forever. But all of the emotion really hit home for me at our dress rehearsal. I was running around like a crazy person backstage and finally, we got down to the last 2 dances. All of my classes were finished and Sarah's lyrical class was one of those last two. I headed out front to sit down and actually watch one of her dances. I had seen parts of it and heard the song, but that day as I was waiting to embark on my last week of dance, it hit me hard. I watched my baby girl, who isn't looking like a baby anymore, dance so beautifully to a song that spoke to my heart in a deep, cutting way. 

SLOW ME DOWN~Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I'm forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I've got it together
I'm falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
'Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might dissapear
In the blur of fast forward I faulter again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
I'm getting nowhere

All that I've missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn't paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
I'm falling apart

Tell me
Oh won't you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don't let love pass me by
Just show me how
'Cause I'm ready to fall
Slow me down
Don't let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
I need you to slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please
Slow me down

Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/artist-zx8rfm3#ixzz1vBJVV9cF
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community 

I watched beautiful young girls dance to a song asking us to slow them down and I thought of the last several months and how much Sarah has been running with me. I've been setting the example for her that what matters in life is how fast we run, how much we do. I cried like a baby watching that dance because I am ready to slow us all down. Before I blink she will be a teenager and I will have lost precious years to busyness. 

Father, slow us down. Teach us the balance of fulfilling our purpose and being productive for you while experiencing the peaceful, quiet rest of Your Presence. Focus my heart and mind on the important things, the things that matter to You. Help me be the teacher and parent that my children need and live out for them what a life poured out for you looks like. 

"The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

~Exodus 33:14

A Month of Mondays

Josh's grandpa, Pop, used to tell us it felt like he hadn't seen us in a month of Sundays. Well, it's Monday so I'll say I feel like I haven't blogged in a month of Mondays! I thought I would document in pictures what's been going on around here. Because it wears me out to think about writing it all out!

We  got the game ball!!!!

We field tripped.....

We Relayed for Life....

We put on 3 performances of "Mother Goosed".....

We partied like Bigfoot......

We sent Eleanor Roosevelt to school......

We worked the concession stand....

We dance recitaled......

 I stood on this stage 2 times while it was announced I won't be teaching dance next year and I managed not to cry.....

We celebrated Mother's Day!

Josh surprised me with a swing he made!

We also registered Kate for kindergarten!!!! I don't have any pics, I was on a field trip with Eli. But Josh reported that she did exceedingly brilliant on her evaluation. :)

So, that's a little of what we've been up to. Now, this is my plan for the rest of the month :)....

My Little Man

Eli, last night I said, "Goodnight to the six year old Eli!" And now, I am waiting for you to wake up so I can say, "Good morning to the 7 year old Eli!" And just like that, another year has passed.

Sometimes, I still think of you like this....

Or this.....

This too....

Even this...

But these days....you look like this....

You are a little man now. You ask to wear cologne. But you're still a boy. I often find myself out in public with you trying to figure out when the last time was you washed your neck during a bath. :)  You ask lots of other questions too. Questions I'll never be smart enough to answer. Thank goodness for Google! You are so bright and inquisitive. You are so motivated and a little bit of a perfectionist with your school work. You've made straight A's all year and without having to try very hard. You get that from your Daddy. Lucky you! :) You are thoughtful and sweet. Daddy has to remind you to really throw the ball at the 2nd baseman, because she's a girl and you're scared you will hurt her. You love Legos and video games and baseball. And pancakes. This year you lost your two front teeth and your new ones are growing in together perfectly. They make you look like a big boy, not a little boy. I'm trying to be okay with that and you make it easy because you still cuddle with me. One day you wouldn't hold my hand in the grocery store, but you gave me about 5 hugs during our shopping trip, so that made up for it. :)

We love you Eli Fidler! We love your hugs, and your laugh and your sweet smile. We love how hard you work and how much you care. We love how you love your sisters and we've loved watching you grow a little more independent this year. Mostly, we just love you! 

Happy Birthday Little Man! Let's eat some pancakes!

"Only be strong and very courageous, that you may observe to do according to all the law which Moses My servant commanded you; do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may prosper wherever you go."

Joshua 1:7

Know Your Role

I didn't get the job. Just thought I would go ahead and put that out there. I am so thankful and grateful for all of you who prayed for me and checked on me this week. I felt really good about my interview so at least I got some practice in that area. They asked some really tough questions. One was how I would change the racial division in our town. Geez, glad we could start with something easy. :) I gave them the best answer I could and then joked that after that I would tackle world peace. Tonight, I'm just working on inner peace.

I didn't expect to have such mixed emotions. I really had my heart set on this job and while I never felt completely confident I would get it, I also hadn't even allowed myself to think beyond it. So, I expected to just be devastated. I was a little bit. Thankfully I was on a field trip with Kate when I got the news so I had to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. But then, something else happened. I almost felt relieved. I won't lie, after being given a very detailed 3 page job description I had come away from the interview feeling a little overwhelmed. It wasn't just going to be a job. It was going to be WORK. And of course that was a reminder that, HELLO, I'm going back to work!

I've tried really hard to keep my emotions in check with this whole process. Giving up a job I love. Getting ready to send my baby to kindergarten. Trying to start a career. And that's the thing, I really am starting a career. I only worked for 2 years after I graduated. I think it has just fully hit me how much time I've devoted to being a Mom. And I don't regret it. I wouldn't trade a minute that I've had with my kids or the other opportunities I've enjoyed because I wasn't working full-time. I've just felt....behind. I don't doubt that the job I applied for went to someone with more experience. And that's the hard thing, experience takes time. My time has been invested in gaining experience in Toddler Tantrums, Expert Stain Removal, How to Put Tights on a 3 year old, Waste Management, Hospitality, Pest Control, Food Services, and Transportation. Hey, I've got some things to add to my resume. :)

What I'm dealing with tonight is that the journey of my life has had me all over the place. I mean really, how exactly do you go from hospice social worker to dance and theater teacher? I'm pretty sure my resume makes  people scratch their heads and they will probably just want to interview me to see if I am for real. 

Our spring theater production is "Mother Goosed" by Jason Pizzarello. It's the story of a rogue news anchor who gets tired of the fairy tales always being the same. He goes out into the field to wreak havoc and change things up. My favorite part is when he convinces Humpty Dumpty not to jump off the wall. It causes some problems for all the king's men though.

BILL: Tensions are increasing between the King's Men and Humpty Dumpty, as Dumpty defiantly sits upon the wall and the Men continue taunting him.

HUMPTY: No, I'm  not doing it. I refuse. Consider this a sit-in.

SOLDIER #3: Well, that's great.

SOLDIER #2: What are we going to do, boss?

SOLDIER #1: Do we still get paid?

BOSS: We don't have a job to do, no one gets paid.

SOLDIER #1: Hey Egg, I've got mouths to feed!

SOLDIER #2: We'll figure out a way to put you back together again, we swear.

HUMPTY: Yeah right!

ALL SOLDIERS: Jump! Jump! Jump!

HUMPTY: Jump? Jump? You mean plummet to my untimely death, is that what you mean? Crack my head open and let my insides spill out?

SOLDIER #1: Well, yeah.

BOSS: Know your role!

SOLDIER #2:  Yeah, know your role, egg!

SOLDIER #3: "Humpty Dumpty had a great fall." That's who you are. If you don't fall, who are you? What's your place in the world?

HUMPTY:  I don't know, okay? I don't know who I am or where I belong. That's the whole problem; I'm having an identity crisis up here. Who are you to judge anyway? You're one of the King's men. You probably don't even have a name.

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

It probably tells you something about my mental status that I am currently relating most to a fictional character in a play. An egg, to be exact. But that's where I've been. Trying to figure out my place in this world. To know my role. I just can't figure out how old I will be before I decide what I'm supposed to be when I grow up. I did come across a quote today that reminded me that no matter how many jobs I have in life, my ultimate purpose is to glorify the God who put me in this world. To share His love and message of salvation. My number one role.

“God’s purpose for my life was that I have a passion for God’s glory and that I have a passion for my joy in that glory, and that these two are one passion.” 
― Jonathan Edwards

Rallying

It's that time of year again....ball season! This year is a big deal. We no longer have a t-baller. We have a real, pitching machine league baller. Eli could've played t-ball one more year, but Josh would have none of that. :) So, we're in the big leagues now. Well, Eli's in the big leagues. I'm in the bleachers, the girls are on the playground or at the concession stand, and Josh is pacing. 

It gets pretty tense. Gone are the days of 10 kids running for the ball and 15 chances at the tee. They have to like, catch the ball and hit it and stuff. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it feels tedious. We've gone innings with no hits. And more innings with no balls to catch or throw. We're at that in between stage where it's not as cute as t-ball and not as exciting as the big boys. It's the beginning of learning the basics and it swings between awkward and slow moving to really exciting. Friday night got exciting. I was working on my second cup of boiled peanuts when Eli got up to bat. I get so nervous, y'all. He struggled the first few games with figuring out his timing with the pitching machine(that's what Josh said) and I've just wanted so bad for him to show his coaches and the big kids on his team what he's got. Well, his Dandy bought him a new bat as an early birthday present and it seems to be working some magic. He hit a double!!!! 

The crowd went wild!!!!! Okay, well his Mama did. It was the first hit of the whole game in the top of the 4th! That was exciting in itself, but after that our guys started hitting the ball like crazy! We got 5 runs that inning! I was so proud of Eli, but I realized it just multiplied the excitement that it set off such a chain of events. It was like seeing that somebody else hit the ball gave the other guys the confidence they needed.

It seems that it motivated the guys on the other team too, because they came out and beat our hineys. I've been thinking about it ever since. The need to rally. The thought that sometimes life starts to feel like a no hitter and all the players are twiddling their thumbs in the outfield. Sometimes it seems like every swing you take leads to a strike. You just get discouraged. Then, something happens. You hit the ball. Or a friend hits the ball. There is running, cheering, fist pumping. The scoreboard starts to move. The game changes. And you might even lose the game, but it gives you hope that next time, it's yours.

I'm rallying tonight. A couple of months ago I decided it is time for me to go back to work full-time. These last couple of months have been filled with tears about leaving a job I love, fear of the unknown, excitement about new possibilities, and prayers for direction. One of my specific prayers was that a job would open up here in town. Even as I prayed that I braced myself that I would most likely end up commuting. I was also praying about the timing as I am committed through May with dance and theater. Well, a few weeks ago there was an opening listed here! I sent out my resume, but in just a few days the listing was gone. I was bummed. Strike one. Josh encouraged me to go by the office and take my resume in person. I did and the hiring manager wasn't there. I was told to come back the next week. I went back. Nobody was there. Strike two. I pretty much decided my resume was just floating in cyberspace and nobody would ever see it.

Well, I was discouraged but trying really hard to trust that God had a plan. Then, Friday I got a call asking if I was still interested in the job. I have an interview tomorrow! I'm back to floating between excitement and nerves.Mostly I'm just trying to rally. Trying to get the confidence that after 4 years away from social work (seriously, how did 4 years go by???) that I can do this. I don't know what adventures and trials your week will hold, but I hope I can help you rally too. Don't be afraid to get up to bat. We'll cheer each other on. We'll just keep swinging until we get our timing.And when we do, we'll celebrate with boiled peanuts. :)

Full of Promise

The Fidlers want to wish you all a very Happy Easter! This day means everything to us. We live because He lives!

"‎"Instead of promises full of emptiness. He gave us emptiness full of promise." Rev. Joshua Fidler

Sugar and Glue and Gold Medals Too

Okay, this will be my last dance mom post. For a while. It just happened that two of our competitions got cancelled and the only time we could reschedule meant us having competitions back to back. I'm too old for this, y'all. I am wore.slap.out. But that's ok. My motto right now is: Make it through May. Make it through May. Say it with me everybody! Tonight we finished 3 of the 4 dances I'm responsible for for the recital and I may have danced around the room tonight singing, "Wasup wasup!"  When Sarah reaches the age of 11 I am pretty sure she will relocate to another state. Anyway, the only dance I haven't finished is my tiny tots dance. I think if I could expand their attention span from 3 minutes to 5 that we could've finished tonight, but some goals are just too lofty for me, especially on weeks like this where I'm feeling two weeks behind on everything.

I just thought I would hit on some highlights from last weekend before I forget them.

* We took a chartered bus and I am praising God I survived. First, the driver announced that we would be driving for 2 hours before we would be stopping. Say wha? You don't understand. I can literally drink 3 oz. of water and have to look for a rest area. Then, this bus driver was super nice, but his driving scared the mess out of me. I promise, everytime I would look up we would be about to hit somebody or run off the road. I would give one of the other mom's a look and say, "Just don't look." So, I read a lot. 

* The night we got there we ate at Dreamland Bar-B-Que and even though I was exhausted and experiencing PTSD from the bus ride, it was so much fun. The owner made us sing and dance to our table. He entertained the whole restaurant and when our girls would get up and walk around the restaurant we would look up and he would be dragging them by their hair asking where their Mama's were. This is some of our girls in an impromptu performance. :)

* Our girls asked to rehearse that night so I took them to a ballroom where Barbie was rehearsing one of the older girls. They did their dance and rocked it. 

* Sat. morning the tap trio and moms ate breakfast together at the hotel and then went to work on make-up. They had a later performance time than last week and we made sure hair was done before breakfast. I thought we were all over it. I mean, we actually got to sit down and eat real food. I learned that however long it normally takes to get ready you should add on 25 minutes per fake eyelash you have to put on. My word, I am definitely not a make-up artist. You know it's getting crazy the 8th time you say, "Please do not spin in that chair while I am gluing your eyelashes!!"

* Our girls rocked their dance and then we stood on the side and watched one of our other trios. After it was over they ran backstage smiling ear to ear and hugging. That's the moment you live for. At that point it totally doesn't matter what the judges thought. When you know you've done your best and you feel that good about it, that's all that matters! I was so impressed with how improved our girls were just a week later. They took it seriously!

* Sarah's trio got gold! From silver to gold in a week, not bad! They also won the judge's award for "Classy Tappers". I just love that. Classy is my favorite adjective. :)

* Unfortunately there were some not classy performances. I try really hard to appreciate and encourage everyone who dances, not just our girls, but there was a dance that made my skin crawl. I would've taken Sarah out, but I couldn't get my jaw off the ground fast enough.Teenage girls dancing in lingerie to a song that I won't even put the words to. I don't get it. Why do people think that's ok? Even if I were not a Christian or a preacher's wife, that kind of stuff just offends me as a woman and a dancer. I know how hard dancers work and it is so offensive to basically do a striptease and perpetuate that idea that people have of dancing. Not classy!

*Okay, I will get off of that soapbox. In kind of related news, I was sitting behind a dad (you always hope it is a dad and not just some random guy) who was snoozing through the competition. He woke up when a clogging number came on. They danced to "Pour Some Sugar on Me". He really jammed out then. It made me think of my Dad and how he would have appreciated a song like that in the middle of all the broadway tunes. :)  You may wonder how I can be okay with this song and not the other. I was contemplating that and came to 2 conclusions. 

1. I was like 8 when that song came out and in my mind I still have innocent thoughts about it. I imagine kids with bags of sugar pouring it on each other. Like an 8 year old's dream of Candyland or something. 

2. You cannot be sexy clogging. I'm sorry. It's just not possible. I bet if you go back and study the history of dance and courtship, you will find nothing about clogging. Just sayin'.  

* Our girls performed all throughout the day and we sat through 3 awards ceremonies. I'm a big believer that they all need to be there to support each other. So, we were. And every.single.time. they would play the Macerana. It was fun the first time. It was annoying the second time. By the third time at 9:00 at night I was singing and dancing and delusional. 

*We finally ate supper at 9:30. This pic says it all....

* We headed out Sunday morning and halfway through our trip the A/C went out in the bus. Fun times. I suddenly felt inspired to choreograph a clogging number in the style of Flashdance called "Pour Some Water on Me."  Needless to say, I was thrilled to get home and sleep in my own bed. Sarah was thrilled when she finally got the last of the glue out of her eyelashes.