Monkey Bars

Have you ever been discouraged? Feel it in your bones, see it in your face discouraged? I've been there. I've been there for several months now. Back in January or February of last year Josh and I decided I needed to go back to work full-time. For me to stay at home has always been an intentional, sacrificial choice. God has continually blessed us and provided for us, but with Kate starting school I knew that it only made sense for me to return to work. At the time I was still teaching dance and theater part-time and loved doing both. Those were more than jobs to me, they were an opportunity to revive a part of me that I had forgotten existed. I had grown attached to the kids God had placed in my life with each of those endeavors, and for months I dreaded having to tell them that I would not be returning after the year was up.

After dance and theater ended I began actively seeking full-time employment. I look back now and realize how incredibly arrogant I was as I expected to quickly find a job. I just expected that I would finish dance classes one week and start a new job the next. That did not happen. 

I didn't get the first job I interviewed for. I completed several lengthy, time consuming applications only to never even hear from anyone. I drove to offices and repeated applications I had already filled out online, hoping to get to talk to someone in real life. The one time I met a person in real life I found out she had the job I wanted and she was totally confused about why I was there. I started feeling desperate. Started wondering if I was even supposed to do social work anymore. Had I chosen the wrong major? Was I still cut out for social work? What was I cut out for? What is the meaning of life? Am I 17 again? No, too many wrinkles to be 17. :) As I worked through this life crisis, a friend told me about an opening at her company for a financial auditor. Feel free to laugh here. I did. For anyone who doesn't know, I don't do numbers. The only financially auditing I've done is when Josh and I looked at our finances and decided I should go back to work. :) Anyway, my friend convinced me that no experience was required, they would train me. I tried to psyche myself up. I filled out the extensive applications online that the company sent me. One was a psychological inventory. I thought for sure that would do me in, but they called for an interview. I went and met Bob. He was the HR hiring manager, but he really could have a successful counseling practice. We began the interview and soon I felt like I was in therapy. Several other people had to interview me and while we would wait for their arrival he would ask me, "Are you sure you would be happy here? All the work you've done is so interactive and here it would just be you and a computer screen."  The more we talked, the more I questioned what I was doing there. And not in a bad way. He never made me feel crazy for being there, he just seemed to recognize my personality, education and strengths and that I probably would not be happy there. By the end of the interview when he asked me what I would say if he offered me a job, I had to be honest and tell him I just didn't know. 

That interview led me to do some soul searching, and while I still wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, I knew that job wasn't it. A month or so before I interviewed for that job, I had applied online for a position at the hospital. I thought it was the perfect position for me. All of my experience is in healthcare and I decided that job was just created for me. I was discouraged to learn that 140 people applied for that job and even more discouraged when it was quickly gone from the website. Someone told me about another job at the hospital, and although it wasn't the one I originally wanted, I applied for it. During the course of applying for that job, I learned that my resume was actually still under review and that original job was still open. Hope. I had prayed and felt that God told me to wait on that job. So, I did. A month went by. I ended up teaching dance the whole month of June, which was a blessing. Another month came, and I was discouraged again. Again, I began questioning if I was really supposed to go back to work. Josh and I had a serious heart to heart. That night I got a phone call. It was a lady from the hospital and she wanted to do a phone interview! There are no words for how excited I was. We did the phone interview and I was even more excited about the job. She told me there would be a peer interview process and she would let me know in a couple of weeks if I made it to that part. 

Three weeks went by. But who was counting, right? :)  I finally e-mailed her to check in and let her know I was still interested. She let me know that she had been really busy, but that my resume had been forwarded to the peer interview process. I could breathe. She told me it would be another 2-3 weeks  before that could be arranged. I was fine with that as long as I had the hope that I still had a chance. 

Two or three weeks came and went and no word. I went to Mississippi for a week to be with my grandmother who was in the hospital and eventually passed away. I told myself that it was God's timing. That if I had already gotten a job it would have been too soon for me to take any time off and I would have missed that opportunity that I so needed, to be with her. The day after I got home, I checked the webpage, the one that had told me my resume was "Under Review" for five whole months. And that day it said, "Applicant Not Selected".

It may as well have said, "Your life is over", "You are a total failure", or "There is no hope for you". That was how I felt. I allowed myself a day of pajama wearing and moping and by that night, I was tired of myself. I hadn't seen a single job in the classifieds for me, but then a friend who has been on the job search journey with me told me about a website where I quickly found a job to apply for.  A few days later another friend invited me to breakfast and one of the girls there just happened to work at the workforce center and knew about the job I was applying for. She wrote a referral for me and that very day I took it and my resume to the office. The next day, I got a call for an interview! On Monday I will put on my skirt and high heels and walk up in that place like I know what I'm doing. Because I have hope.

My hope is not necessarily that I will get that job. I am so over trying to figure that out. My hope is that God is still in control and has a plan. He always has, He always will. I still haven't figured it out. His plan has not lined up with mine. My plan was that I would have started a job back in June, we would have taken a longer vacation, and be halfway to our goal for a down payment on a new vehicle. But, there have been other plans. There have been other things I've needed to be available for. I've needed some time to think and to stare at walls. There have been lessons I've needed to learn along the way. I've needed to learn that my value as a person is not dependent on the job title I hold. I've needed to learn that real friends care about you, not the position you hold. I've needed to remember some of my experiences and regain my confidence in myself. I've needed to remember that God is the ultimate provider. I've needed to remember how to trust Him again. 

Today it hit me that my job search has been a lot like climbing on the monkey bars. At times I feel like I'm dangling by one arm, about to fall and then before I know it, God has put another rung there for me to grab onto. Each time I have started to get discouraged, there has been a new opportunity to grab hold of. If nothing else, to give me hope to keep trying. Tomorrow, I might be interviewing for "The Job" or it might just be "a job" I don't get. Either way, it has given me hope to hold on.  I'll keep swingin'.....

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."

~Proverbs 13:12