When Things Change

Hello blogging world! I've missed you. I've missed pouring out my heart and sharing my stories. I think last month is the first time since I started this blog several years ago that I didn't write one.single.post. But, such is life. And things have changed. It's funny that I thought when my kids got out of the very demanding toddler/pre-school age that I would have more time. Isn't that hilarious? I know all of you Moms with older kids think so. Sometimes I do feel like I have more time, but what I lack is the mental capacity to have a straight thought. Can anyone relate?  I actually started drinking coffee a few weeks ago in hopes that it would give me the energy to have a personality again. I don't know if that has happened, but man, I love me some coffee!

Anyway, yesterday out of nowhere I just felt struck by the strong desire to write again. I almost felt like I was no longer able. I hadn't had  much of a desire to. Life has been happening and it's taken most of what I have just to pull it together and live each day. That sounded pretty dramatic. So, I guess I haven't lost my flair for the dramatic. :)

Just to catch you up, things are changing. They always are. And this is not a post to reveal some new, exciting life change. No new additions (we do have a new puppy, but y'all, that is a WHOLE.OTHER.BLOG), no moves, no new jobs. Just slow and steady living, working, ministering and changing in the ways that are so subtle no one may notice.

My kids are changing. 

Kate poses for pictures......

Eli is growing more confident..........

Sarah is turning into a little lady........

Our activities have changed. After a crazy All-Star season in baseball and dance competitions last summer, we've decided to take it down a notch or 20. We had so much fun with those things, but we are enjoying a season of doing things like, being at home more than 15 minutes a week. :) Sarah is taking one dance class as opposed to 5, and Eli is taking the fall season off from sports. Kate will tell you, "I just watch TV", and really, what more did y'all expect from my 3rd child? I mean, y'all are totally impressed all 3 of them get to school with shoes on everyday, aren't you? Because, let's face it, shoes are totally optional for us most of the time.

Yeah, so maybe this was at church and maybe I didn't notice until I was home looking at this picture that one of my children was barefoot and the other had on one sock. But, whatever.

Anyway, chilling out with the activities has given us more time for things like....

                                                       Loving on our new niece and cousin, Audrey. <3 div="">

Doing science experiments.

Enjoying the view

Painting

Watching football

Enjoying girl's weekend

(On a side note, Lori posted this pic on FB and my husband did not acknowledge it because he said he did not know if we were being serious or joking. Lori said her husband said the same thing. Let's just take a moment and feel sorry for our husbands that this could possibly be the level of attractiveness they expect from their wives....)

And snuggling

Looking at these pictures you may not notice any changes. Well other than that my kids are grown and I've gained 50 pounds. But, other than that. a lot of changes have been happening that can't be seen. Changes in me. 

I won't lie, going back to work has kicked my tail. I know some women who rock the working mom thing like a boss, but me, I'm kind of just taking each day as it comes and praying everybody gets fed and nobody's teacher has to write another note reminding me to sign the behavior chart every day. :) 

October 1st was my year anniversary with my job and it is unreal what this last year has been like. What has changed. What has become the new normal. What I've learned to like about  myself and what I've cried over. I am thankful for a husband who gets my kids to school most days, even if they eat breakfast from a convenience store. And a husband who chauffeurs 5 little girls to dance class. And a husband who comes to the bedroom to talk to me when I lay on the bed and cry about the time I'm missing with my kids and says things like, "You just have to make the most of the time you do have with them."  Oh, you mean like right now instead of crying in the bed like a 5 year old? Yes, those words were important this year. 

I am thankful for changes like a new vehicle this year. But even more, I am thankful that in times when I have wanted circumstances or things to change in my life this last year, God did something better. He changed my heart.  

Today I am home on a furlough day, and that is also another blog I won't get started on. I knew about our furlough days about a month ago because ours are from sequestration days, not even what is going on now. And truth be told, I don't know how what is going on right now will affect my job in the future. And that is where the change in my heart comes in. 

Because my heart wants to stress and worry and think about things we want or need. But God has wanted me to focus on Him, His ability to provide, His plans that are bigger than things.

Because in the last year coming home has had its own level of stress as I come into a house that often times is the closest I've ever gotten to a frat house. Because people. These people, y'all. This husband and these children and these people in our community who spill drinks on my carpet and knock on my door at 11:00 at night. The socks. They're everywhere. And now I have a puppy who chews them up, so even when I find a pair that matches and is clean and hasn't been in my couch cushion for 2 months, it has holes! The smell. I'm convinced the inventor of deodorant lived with a 14 year old boy. 

And today, my first instinct on this first day I have had at home by myself in months is to clean this house like nobody's business. But as my foot stuck to the kool-aid on the kitchen floor and I wanted to scream in frustration about the socks under the dining room table, my heart was reminded of the memorial service I attended last night for a 4 month old baby. And I thought of those parents who won't get to pick up socks or spend hours trying to get red kool-aid off the countertops. And I decided to sit right here in this chair and thank God for the piles of laundry, but mostly the people who are living and breathing and playing and still here to change clothes 4 times a day. And as many times as I've told myself in the last year that I wouldn't stress about how my house or my family or or my life looks, today I mean it. 

Because God has changed my heart. Because I love that husband and those children and the people in this community who knock on my door. Because, to quote a friend on FB this morning, " It's weird how you end up loving the chaos that motherhood brings ", Jess Mead. Because I love those people I work with and want better things for their lives, even if they don't. Because I've finally learned that what looks impressive to other people and what brings fulfillment and meaning and peace in my life aren't necessarily the same thing. Because I've learned that life is messy and hard and the only way it is not is to not really live it. Because I've been stretched to the point that I cannot be enough even if I died trying. But Jesus is always enough. And so I've given up on Emily, and I've depended on Jesus. At the end of the day, no matter how much I've done I can create a list of all I haven't done. But Jesus. He said He will do the work. 

 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

                                                                                     ~Philippians 1:6

I am so thankful that when I ask God for change, the first thing He changes is my heart.

What kind of change have you been experiencing?

Sweet, Sassy, And Six!

Some things in this life are just beyond comprehension. Like, how in the world is my baby 6 years old????

Yes, on August 28, 2013 Kate (Baby Cake) Fidler turned 6 years old. I can't wrap my mind around it. 

Didn't she JUST come home from the hospital?

Didn't she JUST learn how to strike a pose?

Didn't she JUST learn to play t-ball?

Didn't she JUST learn the most important food group?

Didn't she JUST learn how to dress herself?

And accessorize.....

Didn't she JUST sleep in her big girl bed for the first time?

Didn't she JUST smother herself in a jar of peanut butter?

Well, it's true. She is now 6 and spunky and sassy and sweet!

This girl has personality coming out of her ears. You know those people who it's always an adventure to be around them because you just never know what will come out of their mouths? Yep, Kate is one of those people. :)  The other night at church some girls made a comment about Kate knowing everything because she's the preacher's daughter. I could tell that it embarrassed Kate. While she will speak up sometimes, at other times she will retreat and be very shy. This was not one of those times. Right as I was beginning to think that she was going to hide under my arm for the rest of the night she said, "I wish y'all were my brother and sister so I could tackle y'all." For real. She said that. I didn't know how to respond. Because I was pretty sure I should encourage her not to tackle people, but as someone who has never been able to stand up for myself, I was also kind of proud. :)  Let's just all cross our fingers that I don't get a call from the principle saying she really did tackle someone.....

At six years old Kate would like to be a Vet, a Dr. or a dolphin psychologist. I, of course, am going to encourage the dolphin psychology route. I find that fascinating. Kate is doing very well in school, but she only likes lunch, snack time and recess. Right now she loves Doc McStuffins and Sophia the First. She also loves her Barbies and baby dolls. She quit dance last year because she's "already a good dancer". I thought we were gonna try again this year but she wasn't feeling it. She doesn't understand why she can't just do a solo without taking any classes. 

She loves to play, especially on the playground. When Eli was playing ball she spent many nights on the playground at the ballpark. And many of those times I would find her making sand angels. Just laid out, in the sand. 

Kate is such a cuddly, sweet, loving child. She still wants to sit in my lap, gives me lots of kisses and shows so much concern for others. At school there are two drop off locations. One for the big kids and one for kindergarten through 2nd grade called the "Kiss and Go" lane. Kate has shown me the reason for the name of that drop-off. She gets dropped off on the big kid side with Sarah and Eli, but while they jump out of the car almost before it comes to a stop, Kate takes her time. She gathers her backpack and lunch box. She gives me a kiss. She stops at the door to tell me she loves me. When she gets out she tells me she loves me again and to tell Daddy she loves him, too. I know everyone in line behind me is probably saying ugly things about us, but I'm going to soak up the loving as long as I can. :)

As I said, sometimes Kate can be very shy. But most of the time, Kate really likes to talk. She tells very elaborate stories. Nothing is ever short or to the point with Kate. You will get all of the rich details and you might as well just get settled with a cool beverage while she tells her tales. :)  I can't tell you how many times I've walked up on Kate with ladies from our church, deep in conversation. I've just come to accept that what happens in the parsonage is not going to stay in the parsonage while Kate is around. :)

Kate, there are no words for how happy you make me. How grateful I am that God surprised us with you. I can only imagine that He had as much fun making you as we have enjoying you. You are so smart, funny, talented and kind. You are turning from a too cute toddler into a beautiful little girl. Missing teeth have never looked so cute on someone! You are tough as nails and yet gentle and compassionate. I knew from the time you were born that you would be a fighter, and I was right. While your heart is sensitive, you are also strong and determined. You hang with the big kids and keep us all in our place! You will always be my baby and I may have a little bit of a harder time letting you grow up, but I also look forward to watching you grow. I especially look forward to the conversations we will have and the stories you will tell! 

Happy Birthday Baby Cake!

I Wish I Had Known

Today I had the opportunity to do something that I was so excited about. With my job I had the opportunity to visit some moms who just had babies in the last week. Once the babies are old enough they will come to our center, but for now I will make visits to check on mom and baby. For anyone who knows about my experience as a new  mother, this probably seems highly ironic. It is, y'all. Beyond the multitude of handouts I'm required to take on everything from bonding with your baby to the baby blues, I also took with  me lessons formed not from mastery of parenting skills, but from the good old fashioned file of "woulda, coulda, shoulda". Because something I've learned is that just about the time you think you are getting good at this parenting thing, BAM! Your child switches into a new phase that requires a whole new set of skills and a different kind of patience and more than likely, a new pair of shoes. Man their feet grow fast!

Even as I was writing that paragraph Sarah was strolling down memory lane about all the times I took her through Chick-Fil-A for breakfast and the one time I got her a slushie at Sonic and she stuck her straw all the way through the cup and covered herself and the jeep in slushie. And while I remember that event, I had to ask her. "I lost it when that happened didn't I?" And I mostly asked because I wondered if she remembered, but also because I feel like Emily now would so not be phased by an exploding slushie, but unfortunately, Emily then totally was. And yes, she remembers. She laughed about it. Maybe her therapist will one day find the humor in it.

Anyway, I know that I've been out of the blogging loop for awhile and as soon as I have a burst of energy that lasts more than 13 minutes, I'm going to do a mega blog about what has been going on in our lives. But mostly, to sum it up quickly, my babies are growing up. For real. Two weeks ago I dropped off a 5th grader, a 3rd grader and a 1st grader at their first day of school. They looked like this.

Sarah fixed all of their lunches and my participation was only needed to aid with ironing, and helping Kate tie her shoes and brush her hair. Grown, y'all. Sarah has a locker this year and decorating that puppy was THE DEAL around here.

So, back to my visits today. I have to say that with our baby days behind us, watching my kids officially become big kids, and anticipating the arrival of two new nieces, babies are making me feel all kinds of sentimental these days. I watched those newborns today squirm and suck and heard them make those cute little sounds newborns make. I talked with their mamas who were a bundle of anxiety and excitement and sadness wrapped in a big blanket of exhaustion. The pride and absolute awe that accompanies bringing a human being into the world. The overwhelming sense of responsibility and sudden fear of everything in the world, because now you have to take care of another human being who lives in this scary world.

One mom shared her fear of taking her baby anywhere in the car and I could totally relate. I will never forget driving Sarah home from the hospital. I was never as aware of other drivers and road hazards as I was that day. Didn't people speeding by know I had a brand new baby in the car? (Perhaps this is where the "Baby on Board" phenomenon started?) 

Another mom shared her sadness and apologized, not knowing why she felt sad when she was also excited about her baby. And I could also relate to that. Because despite 9 months of devouring every book, article, or brochure at the Dr.'s office that educated me on the baby's development and what was going on with my body, nobody prepared me for what would happen with me after the baby came. I stopped reading at that part. You know, the part where the baby was here. I guess I just assumed that if I survived labor, I would just snap right back to normal. My body. My hormones. My marriage. I really didn't get it. I couldn't grasp how life changing that new little human would be. 

Today, I discussed how it was normal to feel sad and anxious and how your emotions are beyond what you will experience at any other time of your life. I cheered on the mom who is nursing like a champ and comforted the mom whose relationship didn't work out the way she planned, leaving her to bring her baby home without her daddy. We discussed things they need like strollers or other resources. And I encouraged them to call if they had questions or needed to talk. 

But, because I was there as a professional I couldn't really tell them all the things I would tell a new mom. Things like:

*Don't wait for life to get back to "normal". This is the new normal. 

*This is your body now. This is your heart now. They've both been stretched in ways you never thought possible. Your body may eventually go back close to the size it once was, your heart never will. It has grown and will continue to grow. Sometimes it hurts. Most of the time it is the most beautiful thing you will experience in this life. 

*There's no right way to do this. Seriously. People (well-meaning people) will tell you differently. I'm convinced that in the same way God created our bodies to nurture our babies, He also gives us the insight and wisdom to know what is best for our baby. Even if what is best is asking someone else for advice or wisdom. Ask who you want to ask. Take what works for you and file the rest. It may work for the next baby. :)

*You think you will never use all of the diapers you got at your baby shower, but you will. And then some.

*Other people know how to keep babies alive, too. :)  It's ok to leave them for a bit so that you can have a minute to think or take a shower or sleep. You know, those things you totally took for granted once upon a time. 

*Things probably won't go how you planned. Not the labor experience. Not the going home experience. You may take super cute sandals to wear home only to realize you've been so pumped full of fluids that YOUR.SHOES.DON'T.EVEN.FIT. Your baby may sleep through their first photo shoot and puke or poop all over the family heirloom outfit they are supposed to wear. Your normally attentive significant other may have a freak out moment or not have any idea how to be there for you when your eyes and your boobs are both leaking and you want to punch him in the face even though deep down you know you know you still love him. (Hormones are SOMETHIN' ELSE, y'all!) If you want to plan, your best bet is to plan on bringing extra everything. Just do it.

*You will simultaneously adore the feeling of your baby in your arms and miss feeling them kick inside of you.

*Your baby will look different every day. Every.single.day. 

*Everything will take 3 times longer than it used to. But you'll get used to it and years down the road you will blow your own mind with your ability to do things at the speed of light compared to how it used to be.

*You can't do it all. Nobody can, but there is no time when it's more important to realize that. 

*God chose you to be the mother of your child. Remember that when you begin to question yourself or try to figure out how somebody else would do it. Whatever personality, temperament, talents, and passions you have, use those. Don't spend your time pining after someone else's gifts or personality. Let them be their kind of mom and you be yours. (Totally still working on this one.....)

*Enjoy it. Seems simple. And yet also hard. Some babies are easy to enjoy. They sleep. They eat. They smile at strangers in the store. Some babies cry and never sleep and people in stores say things like, "Don't be pinchin' that baby", trying to be cute, but you want to pinch them because you haven't slept in 3 days and HORMONES, y'all. But seriously, I had one of the crying, no sleeping babies and before I had her a dear, sweet lady encouraged me to enjoy late night feedings because they wouldn't last long. She was right. I didn't always enjoy them, but I tried. And they didn't last long. That baby now wears the same size shoe as me and sometimes I wish I could still hold her in my lap and rock her, but it would crush my internal organs.

*And that's the thing. It won't last forever. The good, the bad, the ugly. Whatever it is, it's just a season. And in that season it feels like for.eva. Like you will be pumping in the nursing home when you're 90. Like you will never have a conversation with your husband that isn't interrupted or that you don't nod off in the middle of it. But for real, you will blink your eyes and your baby child will be in first grade and signing her name with hearts and peace signs.

*Things aren't really as big a deal as they feel. If I could go back and know one thing then that I know now (and there's a LOT I wish I had known) this is it. I wish I would've taken a chill pill. I wish I would have known that having a healthy, clean, well fed, loved on baby was good. I wouldn't have stressed about what outfit was supposed to be worn when, or what toy she needed or having matching outfits for family pics. 

Christmas Sweaters Gone Wild

*You are learning. Admit it. Everybody wants to pretend like they know it all when they get a job. Nobody wants to start a job and be like, "Hey, I seriously have no idea what I'm doing. Is there a policy and procedure book on this?" And guess what? There's not a policy and procedure book on parenting. There are 80 million books to give you advice and ideas and other people's experiences. The Bible offers awesome insight and wisdom on raising our children to love the Lord. But a step by step, play by play? Nope. You're writing this one! One chapter at a time. With lots of red pen scratches and pages you'll probably wish you could tear out. The character development in this story belongs to YOU. You might not recognize yourself in the end. And that might be a good thing.

*When all else fails, laugh. The things that seem like worst case, disaster scenarios will one day be your favorite stories. I highly suggest teaching your kids to laugh, too. Some situations just cannot end well except with laughter or ice cream.

*I fully recommend suspending your expectations for this season of life. Like for example, I used to strive to bring about world peace. After my first baby, my goal was to shower before 10 am. Okay, at all. This is a season of changing expectations.

*Rest in grace. Again, something I struggle with. I could give you a War and Peace size volume of my parenting mistakes. I want to stress about the mistakes I've made and how they could be affecting my kids now or ruin their life in the future. So, sometimes I just sit back and observe the fact that I have 3 amazing kids who are kind, thoughtful people full of compassion and joy. And they are parent proof. Josh tells me that all the time. Praise God. :) God's grace has covered so many mistakes in my life and I have to trust that parenting is no different. In my weakness, His strength is perfected. 

*In conclusion, one day you will watch someone else hold their newborn baby and you will not think about 2 am feedings or spit up or how you wore the same clothes for 4 days. You will think about the day you brought your own baby home and fell in love with every dimple, every hair on their head, and every sound they utter. And if they have brothers or sisters at home, you won't remember that you didn't have matching sibling shirts or signs made by etsy. Your heart will be full as you remember your 5 year old and 2 year old who dressed themselves for the special occasion and made a sign out of a Pizza Hut box. You will remember the sparkle in their eyes and the unconstrained excitement. And mostly you will remember feeling like your heart couldn't possibly feel any more love without bursting. 

The Day I Realized I'm a Golden Girl

When I was in college I lived in a dorm full of young, energetic, fun girls. And...we liked to watch The Golden Girls. A lot. I can't explain it. It's pretty funny now to think of all of us fresh young things with time on our hands and the world at our feet gathered around the TV watching The Golden Girls. I think we related to the friendship and fun antics (and a little bit of the drama)  that occurs when a bunch of girls live together, no matter their age. We couldn't get enough.

I still love the Golden Girls. In fact, I share this sentiment-

So, I was watching The Golden Girls the other night (it never gets old), and it hit me....I've become Sophia!

Last week, I had surgery. It was an outpatient procedure, I went in that morning and left a few hours later. I won't lie, I was a little anxious, but I felt pretty prepared. I had done lots of Googling the night before. Which is why I was both anxious and prepared. :)  Anyway, I had worn my comfy clothes and taken off all of my jewelry. The nurse called me back and at the last minute, I decided to take my purse with me. I felt safer with it. I'm lost without it, y'all. 

It seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do until I was walking back into the pre-op area. Then I was all, what the heck do I do with a 40 pound purse? Thankfully, my nurse was super sweet and told me to just put it under my bed with my clothes. And probably cursed me under her breath when she had to push me and the bed and the 40 pound purse to the OR. 

After I changed into my gown and spiffy little hat (which I was super thrilled to realize matched my toenail polish) Josh came back to stay with me. There was some kind of compression thing hooked up to my gown that was making it all puffy. I couldn't stop touching it, it felt so weird. If I ever got to go to the moon I would probably spend the whole time playing with the gadgets on my space suit. Anyway, I mentioned that I had brought my purse and I didn't know why. Josh offered to take it back out to the waiting room. I thought about it. I couldn't part with it. I still don't know why. Maybe I should have asked the anesthesiologist to put a fresh coat of lip gloss on me after she stuck the tube down my throat. 

So, my purse went into surgery with me. When I woke up Josh was there and a male nurse. Of course I got a male nurse. Did I mention this surgery had to do with girl stuff? Right as I came to this nurse lifted my blanket and gown to check out things. Things you don't want stranger men checking out. Whoa! I was not prepared for that! Josh and I both looked at each other like, wha? Very awkward. And I realized that if I could have reached it and it didn't weigh more than I was allowed to lift, I might have knocked that nurse upside the head with my purse just from reflex. And that is something Sophia would do. :)

I can just imagine the dialogue in this picture: 

Dorothy: "Ma, why are you taking your purse into surgery with you?"

Sophia: "In case some male nurse tries to get fresh with me in recovery.  I'm from Sicily, you never go to the hospital without protection."

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Eleven

Today I have been a parent for 11 years. As my friend Kim would say, I've kept a human being alive for more than a decade! Pretty amazing. And that human being I've kept alive is pretty amazing, too!

You see, when I brought our firstborn into the world I don't know that I gave much thought to what this little person would be like as she grew. Of course I had general thoughts and ideas, but I never could have anticipated just what a gift we received on July 15, 2002. At that point in life I had never experienced such awe. I was in awe! 

I am still in awe of that little person today, even though she now comes to my shoulder and I recently bought her a pair of shoes that are the same size as mine!!! 

This has been a big year. Sarah made the A/B honor roll all year long, got the Principal's award that only goes to one girl out of the whole 4th grade, and was a dazzling dolphin. She also competed in 4 dance competitions and at nationals her dance group was 4th place out of 16 groups and won a judge's award for precision! I am so super proud of her accomplishments this year.

Even more than those awards and accomplishments, I am proud that the librarian at school depended on Sarah to help her everyday. I would often ask her if she actually went to class. :)  But I am proud that an adult would choose her to do tasks that required a lot of responsibility. I am proud that Sarah will occasionally teach at church. And when I say teach, I mean she goes over the night before to prepare her room and plan activities. I am proud that the other girl's mom's in her dance group trust her to be the "mini mom" in her group and help the other girls get ready. I am proud that several of my friends have commented on how good she is with their babies.

Mostly, I am proud of who Sarah is. Lots of people win awards or get compliments, but not everybody has the heart and mind that Sarah has. Her heart is thoughtful and compassionate. Her heart is giving and sharing. Her mind reasons and asks questions and thinks and believes. It is creative and intuitive and curious.

I used to think that I needed to have a plan perfectly laid out for my kids to follow. I would just tell them what they were supposed to be and they would become what I intended for them to become. I'm so glad it doesn't work that way. Because, Sarah Beth Fidler, you are so much more than I could have planned for you to be. I am so enjoying watching you be the person God made you to be. And I look forward to all of the new things that I'm sure are yet to come!

Happy Birthday sweet Sarah!

*Today when I posted this pic of Sarah on FB, a family member commented, "I love that you can see her sweet heart through her smile."  Greatest.compliment.ever.  How I pray that life never steals that smile or that sweetness!!

 "If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you might find yourself believing that's all you really are. Time erodes all such beauty, but what it cannot diminish is the wonderful workings of your mind. Your humor, your kindness, and your moral courage; these are the things I cherish so in you." ― Marmee, Little Women, 1994.

What Women Really Think

Photo courtesy of Google Images

Everyday Sometimes, I find myself distracted by a story on Yahoo news. I try really, really hard to keep my attention focused on serious news like what is going on in Syria, or with the IRS, or what Brangelina's kids are wearing, but sometimes I get a little distracted. A story that is sure to steal my attention is one that promises to tell me what men are thinking. Aren't those great? Don't we all desperately want to know what the heck people of the opposite sex are thinking? I mean, I just know that any day a scientific study is going to reveal what causes men (and the little boy versions) to undress and leave their clothes intertwined in a way that would be a puzzle for Houdini. And one day, a study will show us that men have a physical blind spot that makes them unable to see that a toilet paper roll is empty. Just wait for it.

You see, I am a thinker. (I don't know if she is thinking or napping, but she must be a mom. Because sometimes thinking turns into napping like that.)

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Because I am a thinker, I expect that my man is also. This caused great stress and exhaustion for many years of our relationship. Because I would ask him what he was thinking and he would say,"Not much." Now, when I am asked what I am thinking and I say, "Not much" that means I'm thinking A LOT and I'm trying to make sure you are really prepared to hear what I am thinking. It could possibly take hours. So I thought that's what Josh meant, too. And so I would badger and plead and beg to know what he was thinking. "What are you *really* thinking?" And finally, after many years of this futile exercise, I believed him when he said, "I just don't think as much as you do."

And there it was. A life changing revelation. I finally understood how he could roll over and go to sleep when I still had at least 435 things to think about before I could even get to counting sheep. So, with that new knowledge I'm always interested in these "What Men Think" articles as I am eager to learn if other guys think more than mine. And if they do, what they are thinking about. I came across such an article just last week. "What Guys Think About Your Bikini Body". (For the record, I haven't worn a bikini since 7th grade, but just go with me on this, ok?)  Also for the record, I did not notice the extra links on that page until I linked to this article. I am in NO way endorsing any of those other articles. Seriously, I'm a Baptist Preacher's Wife-the bikini in the picture made me blush. So, as I open this article ready to learn the dirt on what guys are really thinking-there it is. Three things, y'all. 3 thoughts.  And they are short ones at that. And I had to send it on to Josh because I knew he would appreciate how succinct and to the point this article was. Personally, I put more thought into ordering a pizza. 

So, that is what leads to this blog. I just had to write the woman's response. Not necessarily to what we think of a guy's swimsuit body. Because that's the point. By the time we get to the pool, we have very few thoughts of guy's or their swimwear. Sorry. 

*WHAT WOMEN THINK AT THE POOL*

Perhaps I should clarify this is what a married mother of 3 thinks at the pool. Because it may be different for a single, 20 year old hottie. I wouldn't know. I've never been a hottie. And I've been married my whole adult life. For realz.

She's Thinking: Why did I eat so much bacon last winter? And ice cream last night? And 3 packs of Little Bites fudge brownies? 

Okay, so this one is the same. Except from what I have gathered in my informal research called "living with a man", there are times of the month when I will physically attack someone for a Snickers and cry if we run out of Little Debbie's. And he doesn't seem to struggle with this the same way. To add insult to injury, girls just can't get away with putting a t-shirt on over our bathing suit. Because we're supposed to look like this.

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Which leads to:

She's Thinking: Who the heck wears necklaces and eyeliner to the pool? 

We don't know, but the Pinterest board had it as part of the outfit, so we better. So after we spend a small fortune on a swimsuit, hat, and other various accessories it comes to our attention-we need a tan.

She's Thinking: I need a tan. But this necklace is gonna make one funky tan line.

But it's ok. Because getting any sort of consistent sun would require sitting in one place. And we know that that SO does not happen at a pool with kids. Because no matter how glamorous you feel (yeah right), you will spend an insane amount of time chasing children, lathering people in suncreen that gets on you and makes crazy weird tan lines, and generally stressing about someone drowning for 96.3% of the time you are there. The other percentage of time will be spent stressing about how you look. 

She's Thinking: If I sit like this my legs look totally flabby. If I sit like this, oh my! Everybody gets a show. 

Oh saved by the bell! Had to go jump in after the 2 year old who just wandered by the deep end. There goes the floppy hat. Now that my heart rate has returned to normal, I'll relax with a book. NOT. Everybody is hungry.

She's Thinking: I should have brought organic peanut butter with handpicked, home made strawberry jelly. What will these other mothers think?

You entertain this thought brought courtesy of peer pressure for a few minutes until you must commence with after lunch clean up that includes trying to get jelly out of somebody's hair and re-applying 400 ounces of sunscreen to everyone. Your lunch has never tasted better as you totally like your peanut butter mixed with a little suntan oil and chlorine.

She's Thinking: Why am I eating? I just swore I would never eat again!!!!!

But let's face it, just getting into a bathing suit requires a significant amount of energy and works up a huge appetite. Add in water aerobics (also known as holding on to little people in a pool), carrying the 2 ton beach bag full of things you might possibly, sorta, okay not really, need, and the stress of BEING SEEN IN A SWIMSUIT, and well, okay maybe you need to finish little Junior's sandwich too. 

She's Thinking: Whoa, we need better lighting in our bathroom. Have I missed that same spot on my knee since I started shaving 20 years ago?

Better put that on our list of things to do around the house. And then it hits you that you have to bathe all of these people who are with you. And wash all of the towels. There are so many towels. So, so many towels....

She's Thinking: I'm getting sleepy. Very, very sleepy....

This is pretty much a non-stop recurring thought in her mind at all times, but 150 degree heat and water activities pretty much guarantee that she will trade her firstborn and her Vera Bradley beach bag for a 30 minute nap.

Eventually after a long trek home, the night is filled with baths and loads of laundry and everybody needing to eat again. And finally she makes her way to her turn in the bathroom where she sees that she is a hot mess of running eyeliner, jacked up tan lines and hair that is going in more directions than her thoughts. And for the first time, her mind wanders to a place that finally meets her husband's. They both agree. Let's go to bed!

Why Did the Turtle Cross the Road?

Several years ago when I was burnin' up Mississippi roads for work, I hit a turtle. It was so traumatic. I felt so guilty. So now, I am super cautious when I see one in the middle of the road. Like, swerve and hit a semi or a light pole before I'll hit the turtle. Not really, but still, I am very aware of them. I've seen quite a few this summer. There was one that took 2 days to cross the highway. He was there one day, and the next-still there, just a few steps over.

Another day I saw one as I was stopped at a stop sign. Just as I stopped another car came driving down the road. Just in time that turtle retreated to his shell, and he was good. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then I wondered why the thing was crossing the road to start with. Where was he going anyway? As I pondered that deep, thought provoking question I realized that it didn't matter where he was going. The important thing was that he was going somewhere.

As I watched that turtle jerk back inside of it's shell it occurred to me that he could just stay there. I don't think he had an appointment to keep or anything. But he had already started that journey and he needed to finish it.

Have you ever started a journey only to find yourself a bit overwhelmed in the midst of it? Taken just enough steps to get you moving and then think, 'Crud, I can't do this.' But there is really no turning back. Because maybe you have also developed a thick, hard shell of protection, but if you retreat back into it, you're stuck. You're protected. You may be able to avoid injury. But in that shell, you can't grow.

I've spent many years building my shell. Insulating myself. Every negative comment, every uncomfortable conflict, every painful realization. I've grown that shell. And then, I've hidden in it. Someone hurts my feeling, I'm outta here. I have to say something somebody else doesn't want to hear, see ya later! I have to deal with hard life stuff, better equip this shell with cable. 

But, something has happened in the last year for me. I started crossing the road. I had to come out of that shell. I got a job as an advocate, a word whose very definition includes:  a person who pleads on someone else’s behalf (http://oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/advocate). I have been forced to deal with tough, uncomfortable situations that did not win me any friends or popularity contests. But they were important things that had to be handled regardless of how hard they were.  In recognizing the importance of  dealing with hard things, I realized how important it is that I deal with the hard things in my own life. To be honest, sometimes the shell just starts to get too small.

Our verse for VBS this year was 2 Timothy 1:7- "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind." The motto was: Facing fear, trusting God! A few weekends ago Sarah went to a party for her dance company. It was at her teacher's house and she lives on the water. Last year some of the girls had gone tubing and Sarah refused. She was scared. This year as we got ready for the party she told me, "I am not going tubing!"  Well, sure enough I got a text from a friend who was bringing Sarah home for me saying, "They're going tubing!" My reply? "Sarah is?!?!"  Yep. She did. And had so much fun she wanted to go again. Later she told me, "I just kept saying the VBS motto. Facing fear, trusting God."  And I could imagine my little PK out there quoting that motto. :) But I was proud. And excited for her that her fear didn't ruin her fun. It seems like a little thing, but it is learning to trust God in those little things that help us trust Him in the big things.

The part of 2 Timothy 1:7 that stood out for me the most was the part that says God has given us a sound mind. I've read and heard that verse so many times in my life, but I've always focused on the power part. Not being fearful is to have power, right? But it's not just that. Fear isn't just about snakes or flying or boogeymen. It's not just about roller coasters or tubing or wearing a bathing suit in public. (What, am I the only one with that fear?)  Fear is not dealing with things because of what other people will think. Fear is allowing people to hurt you because you don't want to hurt them by standing up to them. Fear is staying exactly where you are-physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually-because you can't handle what is on the other side of the road or you don't  know if you will survive the journey across. Fear is hiding in a shell while your mind is filled with anxiety and stress and confusion. And according to 2 Timothy 1:7, it's not of God. 

Sometimes I feel like a turtle trying to cross the road. Like I'm moving at the slowest pace possible while huge, scary things fly by me as fast as they can go. Sometimes my shell protects me, but only for a little while until it is time to get moving again. I wish the journey was easier. That I could learn to move faster or that the obstacles on the road would stop, at least long enough for me to cross. But regardless of how long it takes me or how scary it is, I know I have to keep moving because it's no longer safe for me to stay where I was. It's not healthy. It's not God's plan. You see, we have been through a time (or 2 or 3) when God has physically moved us to fulfill His plan. But sometimes, He moves us spiritually, mentally and emotionally to the place we need to be to accomplish His plan. Whatever change He has in mind, there will be change. I have yet to find a place in Scripture where someone encountered God or Jesus and were told, "Hey dude, you're great. Don't change! Stay just the way you are, you are so cool!" Because none of us are exactly where we need to be, and that's why we need a Savior. He is the reason we are on this journey, and anything that causes us to draw ourselves into our shells and puts a halt on the journey keeps us from reaching the place He desires for us. The place where fear is replaced with power, love and a sound mind. 

Keep crossing the road.

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live."

Dorothy Thompson