And sometimes "stuff" is uncomfortable. I have come to realize that we live in a society of extremes. We fluctuate between feeling sorry for ourselves because our internet is down and posting obnoxious amounts of quotes and statuses on Facebook trying to convince everyone else (and ourselves) that everything is just peachy and we should all hold hands and sing Kumbaya.
This is on my mind because I've spent a good deal of my life telling myself to "suck it up buttercup". That's a saying I learned from my friends Donna and Raquel, and while we always used it jokingly, I've realized that it's become part of my internal dialogue. I often tell myself that whatever I'm feeling is not important or that somebody else has it way worse. Last night I read some words that I knew I needed to read. "Deal with your feelings before they deal with you."
Many times I find myself frustrated with my own emotions. How can I ever feel sad when my life is so good? What do I have to really feel down/angry/frustrated with? The truth is that I logically know how blessed I am and how amazing my life is. But the reality is also that I am human and unfortunately at times find myself ruled by emotions that are as ever changing as the weather. This isn't as much a problem for me now as it has been in the past, but I constantly have to work on dealing with my emotions versus stuffing them.
When I went through my depression I was put on a medication that made me numb. I'm talking zombieland. I will never forget going to the movies with Josh one night and watching 2 little girls. One of the girls had Down's Syndrome and it moved me to tears to watch the kindness and gentleness the other little girl showed her. I have never forgotten that, because it was the first time in a very long time that I felt anything.
Recovering from that depression I have constantly struggled with feeling that it is wrong for me to ever have a down day. I am supposed to rejoice in all things, right? I know how quickly I can slip into a pit and so the slightest not so great feelings leave me desperately clawing my way out as fast as possible.
I share this because I had a moment (or 80) last week. I was just down. It was after a tour of an organization in our community that exists to help abused children that God really dealt with me. I had just walked through a beautiful building that existed for such an ugly reason. Bright, colorful rooms decorated like a child's dream, but their purpose was anything but bright. A kid's court to practice being in the courtroom. Observation rooms where they are interviewed and asked questions nobody wants to ask. Exam rooms where the stuff of nightmares exist. I found myself crying and yet trying to pull myself together before I got back to work. (Thank goodness for long drives!) And I felt like God told me, "Sometimes you need to cry." Let's face it, there are plenty of things to be happy about in life. God is good and He blesses more than we deserve. There are times to suck it up. Really, there are. :) But there are other times when things that happen in this broken, cursed world break the heart of God, and it should break ours, too.
I'm not saying that we all rend our garments and pour ashes on our heads. I also am not suggesting that we take on the role of Eeyore or a prophet or doom. I'm just saying that there is a time to cry. And God hears.
"Nevertheless he regarded their affliction, when he heard their cry"~Psalm 106:44
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